GI Joe Resolute

I originally wrote this as an eleven-part article over as many days back in 2010, but rather than re-post each part separately, I decided to just clump them all together as one post.

!!SPOILER WARNING!!

As of the time I’m writing this intro bit, G.I. Joe: Resolute is streaming on TubiTV.com, so you should probably watch it first. Okay, on with some decade-old recaps and opinions!

PART 1

A couple of years ago, comics writer Warren Ellis was hired to write a GI Joe miniseries. Entitled GI Joe: Resolute, the series ran for just 10 episodes, with each episode running about 5 minutes a piece. I watched the first few episodes as they came out, but never got around to finishing it.

So, for the next two weeks, I’m going to review an episode a day (probably skipping a day or two in the middle), so that I remember to watch the entire series before too long.

I’ll go more into my GI Joe fandom at a later point in time. Probably. Maybe. But for now, we got to get tough! Yo, Joe!

GI Joe: Resolute. Episode 1.

We open at what appears to be a murder scene. A red ponytailed woman with sunglasses and a hat is inspecting a corpse, who turns out to be.. Major Bludd. Holy shit, Major Bludd is dead? He was all kinds of a big deal in the early episodes of the Sunbow cartoon! And here, we just find out he’s dead, straight away. Well, my attention is caught.

And the woman turns out to be Scarlett. Of course.

Aboard the USS FLAGG, which is GI Joe’s aircraft carrier, things just start EXPLODING! All the planes on deck, all the weapons in the armory, everything.

At the High-Frequency Active Aurora Research Program (H.A.A.R.P.), some power tower things just start turning on, and a red vortex appears in the sky.

Cobra Island. Everything is abandoned and destroyed. And then TV monitors start turning on. Missiles are launched into the sky…and into the upper atmosphere. The missiles reveal themselves to be mushroom-shaped satellites. And they are positioned all around the Earth. Well that’s fantastic. Nothing bad can come from that.

At a decommissioned Siberian missile station, a green light emits into the sky.

Back on the FLAGG, Stalker informs Duke about all the shit that exploded. Roadblock reveals that Bazooka was on duty, and Scarlett reveals that he’s dead. And then Roadblock tells us that ALL satellite communication, all over the planet, is down. “And somethin’ is happenin’ in New York.”

Cut to the UN building. Representatives from various countries are taking their seats, as, in a far-off building, Firefly is setting up a rocket. Which he fires. It creates something of a sonic boom, completely disrupting a New York office building, before crashing through the wall of the UN building. It hits the wall, and a video screen appears, revealing…

Cobra Commander, founder of Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world! He’s seen the error of his ways — Which is to say, he’s seen that his previous methods have been in error. Having money doesn’t bring you power; Having power brings you money! He’s demanding that the countries of the world hand over their power to him in the next 24 hours, or he’ll start exploding things. And because he knows that nobody will believe him, he blows up Moscow. Population, pre-explosion: 10,382,754. Population, post-explosion: Presumably 0.

“You have twenty-four hours.”

Yes. I’m awake. Major Bludd and Bazooka, two relatively major characters, are dead. Cobra Commander just exploded Moscow and turned off everybody’s cell phones by killing all satellite communication. If nothing else, turning off cell phones would probably fuck up the world more than threatening to blow up cities, really. Because the head cheerleader at your old high school probably wouldn’t mind having Moscow gone, but if she can’t text message with all her friends, there will be hell to pay!

Come back tomorrow for part two!

PART 2

Cobra Commander has threatened the world, and blown up Moscow. And all he wants in return is control over all 203 sovereign states. That’s not too much. Personally, I think he should be asking for more. Like, all the chicken nuggets in the world.

USS FLAGG, GI Joe’s aircraft carrier. Doc is performing an autopsy on Bazooka to find out what killed him. And there’s something in his mouth. It’s a scroll. Scarlett recognizes the markings on it as the Arashikage clan symbol, the clan that trained Snake-Eyes. “And Storm Shadow,” Duke promptly points out.

Random points of trivia about the Arashikage:
– It’s pronounced “Ah-ra-shee-kah-gay.” Since it’s Japanese, equal emphasis is placed on each syllable.
– Storm Shadow’s real name is Thomas S. Arashikage. He’s Cobra’s ninja who wears all white
– “Arashikage” is Japanese for “Storm Shadow.” “Arashi” = “Storm,” “Kage” = “Shadow”
– Both WWE Superstar C.M. Punk and Robot Chicken creator Seth Green have the Arashikage clan symbol tattooed on their forearms.
– So does one of my best friends, who managed to get Ray Park’s autograph for free thanks to the tattoo, even though Park was charging everybody else $35 dollars. Ray Park played Snake-Eyes in the live-action GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie.

Also, Snake-Eyes doesn’t say much. His vocal chords got destroyed while on a mission with Stalker, prior to his being recruited to the GI Joe team. So if anybody ever asks him a question, he’s not being rude. He just can’t answer. I’m pretty sure the invention of text messaging made Snake-Eyes really happy, because now he can actually tell Scarlett how he feels about her gorgeous, flowing red locks and beautiful green eyes.

Those, um. Those are my words to describe Scarlett, not Snake-Eyes’ words. I wouldn’t dare put words in his mouth. Mostly because he couldn’t ever say them.

Duke accuses Storm Shadow of killing Bazooka and calling Snake-Eyes out. Snake-Eyes magically knows that there’s a hidden note on the scroll, so he flashes a red light on it. Written in Japanese it says, “All games end today. Meet me where we first played.” I know this, not because I speak Japanese, but because the subtitles told me.

Duke lets Snakes go settle his business, but Snakey had better be ready. Or else. “You can go with him, or stay with me. Your call. Make it now,” he constructs Scarlett.

“You mean stay with the unit,” she corrects.

“You heard what I said,” Duke responds. This is a throwback to whom Scarlett is into. Most GI Joe fans consider the Marvel Comics version to be their official canon, where Scarlett is totally into Snake-Eyes. But in the cartoon series, she was into Duke. Well played, Warren Ellis.

She stays with Duke. Snake-Eyes looks sad. Or, at least, as sad as you can look, in a full-face mask. So he jumps out of a plane.

Oh! He’s jumping out of a plane to go to his old dojo. “Where we first played,” presumably. He’s got armpit wings, like a flying squirrel, which allow him to glide… also…like a flying squirrel.

I never thought I’d want to compare Snake-Eyes to Rocket J. Squirrel from Rocky & Bullwinkle.

Snakes kills a couple of Cobra Vipers, because they’re blocking his way. And then he blows some more up with the grenades of one of the guys he killed. And then he ran another guy through (possibly one who survived the grenades? It’s not 100% clear where he came from) using his magic ninja speed.

Let me reiterate this. Snake-Eyes just executed at least four people, on-screen. They didn’t jump out of a plane and parachute to safety. They weren’t robots. These four people just got murdered in cold blood. By one of the good guys.

And Storm Shadow was watching. And he didn’t do a thing to help his fellow Cobra troopers. That jackass.

PART 3

We pick up back on the USS FLAGG, GI Joe’s aircraft carrier base. Location: Classified. But it’s in the ocean. Or possibly Lake Superion. But probably the ocean.

Satellite communications are still down around the world. It’s Cobra’s fault. Cobra has also killed everybody in Moscow. Duke reminds us that this is the biggest thing Cobra’s ever done. Considering they once went bankrupt and tried to make their money back with a heavy metal video, I’d say that’s pretty obvious.

Cover Girl is mad that they killed Bazooka. Cover Girl used to be a model, before she joined the GI Joe team. So before you go making fun of models for being braindead sexpots, realize that at least one of them can totally kill you 47 different ways using just her thumb.

Duke is also mad that they killed Bazooka. Bazooka was a good soldier. But GI Joe is more than just one soldier! Which…is obvious. Because, like, every member of the GI Joe team is in the room. I see Flint, and Wild Bill, and Beach Head, and Tunnel Rat, and Alpine, Spirit, Shipwreck, Gung-Ho, Rock’n’Roll, Doc, Stalker, Road Block, the aforementioned Cover Girl, and a couple guys I don’t recognize. I wasn’t the world’s biggest Joe fan as a kid.

Wild Bill calls in an order to dust off all the old vehicles, ’cause they’re gonna need ’em. Flint finds out the Ionosphere has been super-heated, so nothing is going through either way. Gung-Ho finds out that there was a particle cannon shot up into the Ionosphere, which then travels along the Ionosphere, focusing on the target du jour. That’s how Moscow was exploded.

For anybody reading this who isn’t familiar with Warren Ellis’ body of work, he comes up with some crazy sci-fi tech like this all the time. It’s always pretty awesome when you’re reading about it, but it never feels like it would actually work in the real world.

Then again, this is a cartoon that had a movie about ancient snake people. So I’ll let it slide.

Flint points out that his team learned the particle cannon is in Siberia, and to set up something this advanced, Cobra would’ve had to have been there for a long time. Security is gonna be a bitch. Duke agrees, explaining that sending in a team would be useless. So it’ll be a one-man job.

“Or a two-person team!” corrects Scarlett. Hey, if she can’t be with Snake-Eyes…

Wild Bill says that there’s vehicles about 30 minutes away. And then he reckons he’s gonna transport Duke and Scarlett to Siberia. I hope it’s to go skiing. The only other thing I’ve ever heard of people doing in Siberia is painting (X-Men’s Colossus) and wrestling bears (Street Fighter’s Zangief). Painting doesn’t need to be done in Siberia, so that’s a waste of a trip. And, as tough as they are, I don’t think that Duke and Scarlett are looking to wrestle grizzlies anytime soon.

Join me tomorrow for Duke and Scarlett’s skiing adventure!

PART 4

We open up in Cobra Commander’s hallway. He’s musing about how he normally fucks up his campaigns to take over the world. He killed Major Bludd to get Cobra in line, which is a departure from his acting like a buffoon. CC he claims the buffoonery act was something he did to motivate his soldiers, and get them thinking. But he’s tired of that. Now it’s time for shit to get real, son. Stick with him, and you’ll never go hungry again!

On the USS FLAGG, Dial Tone (who is now a woman), finds a string of anomalies in the stratosphere. Roadblock, Flint, and Gung-Ho try and figure out how Cobra’s pulling everything off. But Dial Tone knows! It’s those satellite things that Cobra launched back in the first episode! They’re like mini-satellites, called Stratollites, which is how Cobra’s been communicating with each other.

Flint asks Tunnel Rat to take care of the Stratollites. Tunnel Rat points out that he does two things: Diffuse stuff, and blow everything else up. Dial Tone says there’s some sort of anti-attack things in place on the Stratollites. Tunnel Rat says he’ll find a way around them, but even if he takes out the Stratollites, that doesn’t get the Earth its satellite coverage back.

Oh, but Gung-Ho’s JUST figured that part out. What a convenient time to enter the room with such appropriate news!

Oh, hey, it’s H.A.A.R.P. Cobra took them over just a few hours ago — Like, right before this all got started. And H.A.A.R.P. was made SPECIFICALLY to super-heat the Ionosphere, for “experimental purposes.” Who ever would’ve thought?

I guess I can’t give them too much guff for that. These episodes ARE all under five minutes long, after all.

Flint says to get strike teams ready for both the H.A.A.R.P. and Stratollite missions. Oh boy! I love when Flint is in charge!

Over at H.A.A.R.P., the scientists who work there are on their knees, cowering before a woman with an Eastern European accent. She says that the first one to speak gets to see two of their friends killed right in front of them.

Eeeyeah, that’d keep me quiet. It’s one thing to kill me for talking. It’s another for me to have the responsibility of two other peoples’ death’s weighing on my shoulders just because I couldn’t keep my yap shut.

And the Eastern European-accented lady is, of course, The Baroness. Who’s chilling out with Destro.

Maybe we’ll get to Duke and Scarlett’s skii adventure tomorrow!

PART 5

Arashikage island…or something. Snake-Eyes is climbing some stairs in the moonlight. And now he’s walking around. And he sees the yard in which he used to train. He is remembering Storm Shadow talking to the Hard Master, who is also his uncle. Storm Shadow is jealous that Snake-Eyes has been getting special training. And he wants to know why the Hard Master hasn’t taught him the “Seventh Step.” And we get the typical scene where the student is terribly impatient, because, of course the teenage student knows a lot more than the wise teacher. When the Hard Master says he will not teach Storm Shadow the Seventh Step, he gets assassinated by someone who appears to be Cobra agent Zartan. So apparently Storm Shadow was already in league with Cobra, at this point. No wonder he’s such a dick.

Also, Zartan missed his first shot, and it apparently hit Snake-Eyes in the vocal chords. I’m not sure we needed that retcon.

Storm Shadow says that things are better this way, and now they can be real ninja. Without learning everything they need to know. Mhm. So Snake-Eyes challenges him to battle, and makes SS bleed. Stormy much be a sado-masochist, because he smiles about it.

Back to the present day. Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow STARE at each other for a minute, before Stormy says, “All games end today,” repeating what he said on the scroll in Bazooka’s mouth.

I guess play time’s over. (Halfway through the series, and STILL no snowy antics with Duke and Scarlett. Hopefully tomorrow!)

PART 6

Oh goody, snow! We’re finally gonna see Duke and Scarlett skiing!

“These packs aren’t cleared.” Because this show wasn’t dangerous enough. Now they’re using experimental gear to go skydiving into Siberia. Awesome.

Duke and Scarlet jump out of Ripcord’s plane, and sprout wings. And have jets on their backpacks. Oh, Warren Ellis, you technophile. Oh, and then they just leave the jetpacks in the snow. And shoot some Snow Serpents? Badass!

Scarlett’s red hair is really pretty. But I totally have a thing for fictional redheads. So, y’know, I’m a little biased.

Duke, meanwhile, looks like Street Fighter’s Guile, but with a reasonable haircut.

Ooh, infrared sensors spring traps and alert a platoon of…

Alley Vipers! But… they aren’t neon orange? Bullshit!

Image from YoJoe.com

As far as I’m concerned, if it doesn’t look like the tip of a Super SoakerĀ® gun, it’s not an Alley Viper! Look, I know that the late 80s and early 90s color schemes for toys (particularly those from Hasbro) are not en vogue right now, but I’m REALLY TIRED of everything being greys and browns and olive green and other drab colors. I want some goddamn bright colors in my entertainment!

The grunge era has been over for 15 years, people, and Kurt Cobain died in 1994. Let’s move on and lighten up a little bit, okay?

A combination of mist and a grenade take out the Alley Vipers, but more are on the way! Good thing Duke left them a present, in the form of another grenade.

Holy shit, Zartan just appeared out of nowhere! “Master of disguise,” indeed! And is that Triceraton gun he’s holding? I dunno, but it just shot something that blew the hell up! Badass!

Well, not as much skiing as I would’ve liked, but the winged jetpacks were kinda cool. All I know is that if this was the DiC GI Joe series, Duke and Scarlett (wouldn’t have been there. But if they were, they) would have snowboarded to that decommissioned Siberian base. And that would’ve been awesome.

PART 7

Tunnel Rat (He’s one of the Joes) has a plan: Joes on hot air balloons will take out Cobra’s Stratollites, which are equipped with anti-missile gear. Hot air balloons have no engines, so the anti-missile tech has nothing to lock on to.

They did that cool thing where he explains the plan while they show it in action, which is a visual storytelling technique that I very much appreciate. It prevents us from having to experience the plan twice.

Oh. Except there was a problem, and one of the Joes has apparently died.

At HAARP: Gung Ho, Beach Head, Roadblock, and Stalker are ready to attack. And Roadblock things a frontal attack is a good idea. But Stalker things differently…

Ah, a diversion! While Gung-Ho sets off an explosion, Roadblock (long established as the team’s machine gunner) takes out all the Vipers. Awesome.

Roadblock, in case you don’t remember, is the huge black guy with the camo tank top. In the Felsner Films PSA parodies, he was the Joe in the “Body Massage” one. He loves cooking and shooting. And in the GI Joe series produced by Sunbow (1982-1987), he loved to speak in rhyme. He did it all of the time! If Roadblock started a sentence, he was gonna finish it with a vengeance.

I preferred his second action figure, where he had the green flak jacket and the grey pants. It was far more visually appealing than a camo tank top and BRIGHT ORANGE pants. I know that yesterday I said I refused to accept any Alley Vipers that weren’t wearing orange, but there’s a difference. Cobra is a group of terrorists. They want to strike fear into your hearts. And when you go down an alley and there’s a dude in bright orange carrying a huge-ass gun, you’re going to see him, and you’re going to be afraid.

Roadblock, meanwhile, is wearing a camouflage-patterend shirt, presumably so that he wouldn’t be seen when trekking through some wooded area, like a forest, or a jungle. But then he ruins that by wearing bright orange pants, which are very easily seen. It’s terribly inconsistent.

“What the hell?” Hearing cartoon characters I grew up with swear is just weird. Thanks for weirding me out, Destro.

Baroness knows it’s GI Joe, inherently. So she threatens to shoot her hostages. Again. Stalker and Beach Head sneak in through the air vents. And Gung-Ho and Roadblock seemingly get blown the hell up.

S’what Roadblock gets for wearing those orange pants. Idiot.

PART 8

Back to Arashikage island. Storm Shadow says a ton of things to Snake-Eyes. Snakes has damaged vocal chords, so he can’t say anything back. You ever notice how, when one person is talking a lot and the other guy says nothing, the dude doing the talking always looks like a fool?

Some fancy sword fighting takes place. There’s not really much to say about it, unless I were to research a bunch of terms that I don’t know. Unfortunately, unlike in The Princess Bride, the two of them don’t go telling us all the fighting styles and stances and whatnot that they’re using. But, then, Snake-Eyes doesn’t tell us much of anything. Since he can’t talk.

Snakey cuts off Stormy’s arm bands, revealing the Arashikage tattoo on one forearm, and the Cobra tattoo on the other. And then he yells.

Aaaaand back to sword fighting.

“I don’t need swords to kill you! I’ll kill you WITH MY HANDS!” says Storm Shadow. Which is redundant for me to point out, since Snake-Eyes can’t talk.

Stormy speculates that the Hard Master didn’t teach Snake-Eyes the sixth or sevent steps, so he executes number six on his old buddy.

Oh. Except the Hard Master DID teach it to Snake-Eyes, who uses the seventh step on Storm Shadow, ending their little date. And a bird caws.

Snakes buries his old friend, and gets picked up by the Joe team.

So, uh. That was really short. I mean, the episode was five minutes, but it’s kind of hard to review a fight scene. It was well-done, for sure. But there’s not really much to say about it. And it’s not like there was a lot of witty dialogue, since, y’know, Snake-Eyes CAN’T TALK. Maybe I should’ve written a recap…?

So, uh. I guess, join me tomorrow, for part 9. There’s only two parts left, so all the action is going to be wrapping up really fast!

PART 9

Scene: The decommissioned Siberian missile base. Duke and Scarlett are not dead, but ARE being shot at by not-orange Alley Vipers. And kill them all. Because they’re badasses.

Zartan almost blows them up again, but doesn’t. He fires another missile, and the explosion knocks Scarlett into a wall, almost KO’ing her. But she’s still awake. She tells Zartan to walk away, reminding him that he was always just a mercenary.

Zartan says that he remembers the first job he ever did for Cobra, and we flash back to him shooting the Hard Master. Hey, it WAS Zartan, just like I thought!

Incidentally, in case you were wondering if you missed something: No, they never do refer to the Hard Master by name. It’s just one of those things you pick up by having a really good friend who loves GI Joe so much that he can tell you exactly which action figure each gun came with, who that gun was reissued with, and what year that toy came out. I was always more into Transformers as a kid, but since both shows were produced and written by the exact same people, we figured that worked out pretty well for us.

Zartan explains that he doesn’t want to be a mercenary, anymore (which is fine by me, because with the amount of Deadpool crap coming out, I’m kind of tired of mercenaries anyways), and that he likes the idea of just going around and killing whomever he likes, once Cobra Commander’s taken over the world. He doesn’t even want the money anymore – Just the killing.

So Duke shoots Zartan in the back, killing him. Duke took a bullet in the rib, so he sends Scarlett to turn off the particle cannon. So she does that, but it’ll take six minutes to explode all the nuclear missiles. Duke says it’ll take him six minutes to stand up. And then he says that he’s staying. Scarlett says that it’s taken her years to figure out what and who she wants, and it’s Duke. So she’s spending her last six minutes with him, too.

Suddenly, her red hair looks a lot less pretty to me.

But Ripcord has a deus ex machina to get them out. After explaining the plan, Scarlett, who is still looking at Duke, says, “I love you.” And then shoves Duke for being an idiot. She’s loved Ripcord all along! Take that, you blonde-haired dick! Take that, Mutey Ninja McNoTalk! Scarlett wants to fly where the eagles soar!

So Ripcord saves the day, and the particle cannon explodes. So now Cobra Commander can’t blow up any more cities. Well, so much for that plan.

Y’know, it’s a good thing that Scarlett insisted upon going with Duke. She seemed to know a lot more about this thing than him. Plus, he got shot in the stomach, and became essentially useless for half of that episode. What if he’d gone in alone, as he originally planned? Cobra Commander actually might’ve won, due to Duke’s machismo.

Which is an important lesson, kids: You might be pretty tough, but it’s always smarter to take a pretty girl along with you, in case you get shot by a guy not wearing bright orange.

Now you know! And knowing is half the battle.

PART 10

H.A.A.R.P.: Roadblock and Gung Ho made it into a closet with a metal door before Destro’s bombs went off, so they didn’t explode, as the end of Episode 8 led us to believe. But Baroness has Predator-style heat vision in her sunglasses.

Gung Ho and Roadblock switch guns. “There ain’t a gun on this planet I ain’t trained on,” says Roadblock. I told you he liked gunning. No, I totally did, in that article where I ranted about how his orange pants were stupid.

Destro and the Baroness agree that killing a hostage now is a good idea, to lure the Joes out, so they discuss about who’s going to kill the first one, like a newly-dating couple argues over who’s going to hang up first. “No, you hang up first!” “No, YOU hang up first!” “Nono, I insist. YOU kill a hostage, first!”

They’re interrupted when Roadblock pings a grenade off Destro’s metal head, and a firefight breaks out. Stalker comes up from the vent, and rescues all the scientists, while Destro and Baroness are hiding behind a computer…desk…thing. One sonic grenade later, and Gung Ho and Roadblock are holding the Cobra agents hostage, now.

Cut to Tunnel Rat, who realizes there are too many Stratollites to take out one by one. So he rewires one to explode the rest of them? Or something? And he records what is possibly a goodbye message, in case he doesn’t make it back.

Stratollites explode, and Tunnel Rat parachutes down to safety.

The Siberian missile base explodes, with Ripcord, Duke, and Scarlett all safe and clear.

Ripcord informs Duke that everything is going to plan, and asks what the next move is.

Duke: “We make sure this can’t happen again; We KILL Cobra Commander.”

Oh, wait. There’s an episode eleven? Uh, okay. Join me for that, tomorrow!

FINALE

USS FLAGG: Satellite communication is back up! Hooray!

Dial Tone finds that the satellite energy signatures that match the particle cannon that Scarlett and Duke blew up in episode 9. And the H.A.A.R.P. effect is happening again? But they just shut that operation down, last episode! That was, like, a MINUTE ago!

The USS FLAGG is being targeted!

Flint orders and emergency evacuation, and everybody gets clear just in time for the FLAGG to be exploded! Dial Tone got a lock on the signature… and it’s in a town in the midwest. A town called…

Springfield.

Before Matt Groening turned Springfield into the home of The Simpsons, people who watched cartoons new Springfield as the city where Cobra had a hidden base. In the cartoon, it was mostly populated by artificial humans.

I haven’t read the GI Joe Marvel Comics series, but apparently, that version of Springfield was where the Cobra Command got their start. It was a poor town, and when the man who would become Cobra Commander arrived, he turned the spithole around, and began Cobra, via a grassroots campaign against the government.

So, in short, Springfield is kind of a big deal in GI Joe lore. GI Joe tracking this energy signature to Springfield would be the equivalent of the Ninja Turtles tracking the energy signature to the Technodrome.

Duke orders a massive strike on Springfield.

Cobra Commander is pissed. In less than 12 hours, everything has fallen apart. And he orders for major cities to start being blown up randomly until the United Nations gives him what he wants.

When a… Tele-Viper? Crimson Guard? I can’t tell… explains that they don’t have the energy to do that, CC cuts his head off. Because, y’know, THAT’LL get the job done.

Flint explains that if they can take out the Springfield particle cannon in two hours, they can stop Cobra from firing again.

Wal-Mar..er, MallSpot gets blown up by the Joes.

Huh, looks like the Joe team upgraded their jets to F-22 Raptors, from the old F-15 Eagles. The Decepticons did that, too. Interesting… I’m still left to wonder if any of the GI Joe’s jets are robots in disguise.

HISS tanks! Vipers of every kind! Gunfire! Missiles! Explosions!

SNAKE-EYES KILLING THINGS!

Duke asks Snake-Eyes questions and expects an answer, because he’s a dick.

And then they kill a bunch of Vipers together, because they’re still friends. Even if Snake-Eyes silently hates Duke.

“We need some cover!” Duke yells. And then turns to Snakes like he’s gonna tell him to call for backup, and remembers that Snakey can’t talk, so he runs off on his own. What a dick.

The particle cannon is about to go off, but, fortunately, Scarlett told Duke everything she knew about the particle cannon system. Except Duke can’t hack in!

Cobra Commander left a video recording explaining that Washington, D.C. is going to explode, and it will be all… GI Joe’s fault? Wait, how?

Oh, it’s not a recording. It’s Cobra Commander behind bulletproof glass.

Duke shoots the door control, so Cobra Commander can’t get out… and then redirects the particle cannon to explode Springfield. Since the entire city is made up of Cobra soldiers, it’s not like anybody worth saving is going to die.

GI Joe flies away, and the city of Springfield explodes. D’oh!

Final report: They never found Cobra Comander’s body. Well, you can’t win ’em all. But at least the day is saved… thanks to THE POWERPUFF GIR–uh, I mean.. GI JOE!

Yo, Joe!