The Super-Uber Adventures of Captain Happyheart and the Destructerizer

Adventure 1: The Super-Uber Origin Adventure

Written by Brandon A. Mayo
Created by Brandon A. Mayo and Kaitlin Mayo

It was a very exciting day in Myrtle Beach. A large convention was being held in the local convention center. Many big companies had booths set up, ready to advertise their newest products and services. In order to generate buzz for the event, many of the companies present have hired famous celebrities to help promote their products.

However, there was just one celebrity here that Brandon and Kaitlin wanted to see: the former hero of glory, Bof.

"Oh my god, we're about to see Bof, the former hero of glory!" shouted an extremely giddy Brandon, on the verge of crapping his pants in excitement. Despite being in his early twenties, the socially awkward redhead had the heart of a child, and was easily excited by the prospect of meeting his childhood hero.

Kaitlin laughed. She, too, was very excited about meeting the legendary superhero, but she couldn't help but laugh at her brother's childlike behavior.

However, she was also getting very impatient. The two siblings had been standing in the line to see Bof for nearly an hour, and Kaitlin felt that if she waited any longer, she would snap and kill someone. Her black t-shirt, with the words "GO AWAY" across the front in big white letters, showed her attitude toward people who irritated here.

"I just wish this line would move faster!" she shouted, not caring how rude she was or how people would react.

Luckily, their turn was next. Brandon and Kaitlin anxiously stepped up to the great hero, and were quite befuddled for a moment. Their hero, being formerly very strong and muscular, was now thin as a pencil.

"How do your organs even fit in your body?" Kaitlin asked the spindly superhero. "You can't weigh more than ten pounds now!"

"I'm sorry if my appearance is disappointing," Bof responded pitifully. "This is what happens when you stay out of the hero business too long. Your body loses its awesome buffness."

"Oh, cheer up, Bof!" Brandon shouted. "You look great, and you don't need to be buff anymore, since you no longer fight evil!"

"Yeah," said Bof. "You're right. It's not like any of my old archenemies would bother attacking a washed-up has-been like me."

"THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK," an unexpected voice booms over the convention center's loudspeakers. "REVEAL YOURSELVES, MY E.V.E.L. PEONS!"

At that command, every single person in the convention center, with the exceptions of Brandon, Kaitlin, and Bof, rip off their clothes, revealing evil black uniforms with the initials "E.V.E.L." emblazoned across their chests.

"E.V.E.L. Peons!" Bof shouts in surprise. "This whole convention was nothing but a trap to destroy me once and for all!"

"THAT'S RIGHT," the voice booms again. "THIS WAS ALL A PLOT BY ME, THE ONE AND ONLYÉCHESHIRE BAD DUDE!"

Suddenly, the curtains on the center stage swing open, revealing the evil mastermind behind the plot. Cheshire Bad Dude, however, was not a human. Rather, he was a two-foot-tall multicolored talking elephant, wearing a top hat and brandishing a semiautomatic pistol held with his trunk.

Cheshire Bad Dude may have been cute, but Bof, as well as Brandon and Kaitlin, both knew the true nature of this nemesis. Cheshire Bad Dude was the leader of E.V.E.L., one of the world's largest criminal organizations. E.V.E.L. was known to have billions of soldiers, called E.V.E.L. Peons, scattered across the world, performing evil tasks for their squishy, colorful leader. Bof had fought against E.V.E.L. for many years, but was never completely successful in taking the organization down. And now, it appeared, Bof's failure was coming back to haunt him.

"Get him!" Cheshire Bad Dude shouted to his Peons. At their command, the hundreds of Peons started to close in on Bof, Brandon, and Kaitlin.

"I guess I have no choice but to fight," said Bof grimly to the two siblings. "You two find a safe place to hide." At that, Bof immediately ran off into the mob of Peons, swinging his limbs with the speed and fury of a cat under water. He managed to take out a few Peons, but he was quickly overwhelmed. The Peons pinned Bof to the ground and began beating him mercilessly.

Brandon could not stand seeing his childhood hero being beaten so easily. "I have to help him!" he shouted.

"No! You'll get killed!" his sister screamed. But it was too late; her brother was already running headfirst towards the Peons.

"Eat the fury of my fists! Ha-HA!" Brandon shouted as he began throwing kicks and punches with the speed and skill of an utter newbie. Being completely unskilled at fighting, the Peons quickly grabbed him, and threw him headfirst into the Zorpac booth.

"Nooooo!" Brandon shouted in slow motion as he was thrown into the huge stack of Zorpac pills, becoming buried underneath ten tons of antidepressant medicine.

Kaitlin was horrified. Her brother was just killed, and Bof was being beaten like a rag doll. She screamed in frustration at the utter helplessness of her situation.

The Peons heard her scream, and decided it would be more fun to beat her up than to continue smashing the helpless ten-pound hero at their feet. They toss Bof to the side, and begin advancing toward Kaitlin.

"What should I do?" Kaitlin yelled. "There's no way I can beat all these people!"

"Do not be afraid," said Bof weakly. "Often times, when someone is in grave danger, they will discover their true power. If that is going to happen to you, now would probably be the best time."

"You're right!" shouted Kaitlin. "Now is the time for me to discover my true power and BEAT THEIR BUTTS!" As if by instinct, Kaitlin reached into the pocket of her blue jeans, and pulled out a black and pink baseball cap, with the word "Bitchin'" emblazoned across its front in stylish pink cursive. Upon donning the cap, Kaitlin found her desire to kill stuff increasing. She soon became manic, grinning maniacally and ready to kick butt.

"Now I need a cool weapon!" shouted Kaitlin. She reached into her pocket again, and pulled out a tiny hammer. She gripped the hammer's handle with both hands, and smiled wickedly as the weapon began to grow rapidly in size. Soon, the hammer was eight feet tall, and numbers on the hammer revealed its unbelievable weight: 1,000,000 tons.

"Ooh, booyeah!" Kaitlin shouted. "It's time for you retards to get destructerized by me, the awesome Destructerizer!" She then leapt directly into the group of Peons, swinging her hammer wildly. The Destructerizer moved constantly, ducking and weaving to avoid the attacks of the hundreds of Peons surrounding her, and then countering with a deadly hammer strike every time. No Peon to get hit by the Destructerizer's hammer was able to survive, often splattering into bloody chunks of bones and organs directly upon contact.

The carnage grew and grew, as the entire arena was soon drenched in blood and splattered organs. The Destructerizer grinned sadistically through it all, not caring how much her clothes got messed up, or how much viscera got caught in her shoulder-length, blonde-streaked red hair. The violence was invigorating to her. Every death caused by her hands gave her a strange euphoria, and the feeling that nothing in the world could ever stop her. Her insanity was growing.

Within minutes, every E.V.E.L. Peon was dead. The Destructerizer placed her giant hammer by her side, and wiped chunks of brain from her freckled face. She then pointed at Cheshire Bad Dude, cackled, and taunted him with the first phrase that popped into her mind: "OOH! YOU OWE ME A COKE!"

Cheshire Bad Dude's eyes opened wide, and he crapped on the floor in fear. He could not believe what he just saw. One teenage girl managed to wipe out 500 E.V.E.L. Peons with more ease than Bof could have ever dreamed of. Needless to say, Cheshire Bad Dude's scheme was not going according to plan. Deciding that the best course of action would be to escape as soon as possible, Cheshire Bad Dude ran straight for the nearest emergency exit.

Cheshire Bad Dude was just about to pass the giant pile of Zorpac pills, when all of a sudden, a sparkling pink-gloved hand shot out from the pile and grabbed his foot. Cheshire Bad Dude was shocked as he watched Brandon emerge from the pile of pills.

The extreme overdose of antidepressant medicine had changed Brandon drastically. His red hair had changed into a bright, sparkling pink color. The plaid polo shirt he was previously wearing was gone, and in its place was a hot pink t-shirt, covered by a long-sleeved banana-yellow jacket with 1980s style shoulder pads and pink heart-shaped buttons. His pants were replaced with a banana-yellow pair of pleated slacks, and a hot pink belt was wrapped around his waist. In addition, he wore a hot pink pair of leather dress shoes, and a single sparkling, rhinestone-covered pink glove on his right hand. To top it all off, he wore a pair of black plastic sunglasses, with anime-style smiling eyes, shaped like upside-down U's, painted on the lenses in white.

Brandon flashed a big, toothy grin as he looked into Cheshire Bad Dude's terrified eyes. "Wee! I caught an elephant!" he squealed. "And I didn't even have to wait for elephant season!"

In his panic, Cheshire Bad Dude started firing his pistol at Brandon. Most of the bullets missed, but one lucky shot hit Brandon directly in his right shoulder. However, no pain showed on Brandon's face; his grin remained disturbingly large.

"What?!" Cheshire Bad Dude shouted in surprise. "Why didn't my bullet hurt you?!"

"You silly! Of course it hurts!" Brandon giggled. "However, I'm so damn happy that nothing can bring my mood down! I am now Captain Happyheart, a being of highly-concentrated happiness!"

"Captain Happyheart?" said Cheshire Bad Dude. "That is so queer!"

"Oh, you think so?" replied Happyheart. "Then let me show you just what my happiness can do!"

Happyheart then picked Cheshire Bad Dude up by his leg with one hand, and used his other arm to drive a series of repeated elbow strikes into Cheshire Bad Dude's skull, giggling with every blow. He then crouched down, preparing to jump into his next attack.

"Jubilant Dropkick!" shouted Captain Happyheart as he leapt up and slammed both of his feet into Cheshire Bad Dude's sternum. The force of the impact gave off a shower of pink sparks, and blasted the evil elephant backward into a concrete wall fifty feet away, knocking him out cold.

The Captain took this opportunity to prepare his awesomely devastating finishing move. He formed a heart with his hands, with his fingers pointing downwards, and positioned the heart in front of his chest. His entire body began to glow and sparkle with pink energy. Slowly, the energy spread throughout his body began to travel through his arms into the heart shape he made with his hands. When this process was complete, his hands held an incredibly concentrated amount of happiness energy.

Captain Happyheart laughed with excitement. "SPARKLE SPARKLE HAPPY BEAM!" he shouted, shooting forth the pink energy in the form of a large, heart-shaped beam. The beam engulfed Cheshire Bad Dude, who began to swell with the energy of happiness. The buildup of energy eventually became far too large for Cheshire Bad Dude's body to contain, and he exploded in a blinding flash of pink light.

"You did it!" Bof shouted as he and the Destructerizer ran up to Captain Happyheart. "Cheshire Bad Dude has finally been destroyed, and it's all because of you two!"

Captain Happyheart began leaping up and down, chuckling and clapping his hands in excitement at their victory. "We are awesome!" he shouted.

The Destructerizer nodded in agreement. "Indeed we are," she responded. "In fact, I would go as far as to say that we areÉSUPER-UBER AWESOME!!!"

"You certainly are!" Bof laughed. "In fact, I bet you two will have many Super-Uber Adventures together in the future, as the new heroes of glory!"

"Are you saying," a surprised Destructerizer asked, "that you want us to be your replacements?"

Bof nodded. "I've gotten much too old and weak to continue fighting crime," he explained. "It's about time I passed on the job of Hero of Glory to younger, promising heroes of today's generation. So what do you say?"

"I say you have yourself a deal!" the Destructerizer responded. "From now on, WE WILL DO THE ASS-KICKING! BOOYEAH BABY!"

"WEE! HEROES OF GLORY!" Captain Happyheart shouted as he began dancing and jumping around in unbridled joy.

"So it's settled," said Bof. "You two, Captain Happyheart and the Destructerizer, are the newest heroes of glory!" He offered his hand to the Destructerizer, who happily shook it to finalize the agreement.

And so, Captain Happyheart and the Destructerizer came to be. They would soon come to experience Super-Uber Adventures unlike anything the world has ever known.

ADVENTURE 1 END.