Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball Z or any characters or concepts associated with it. Nor do I own any other property I may mention randomly during the series.

GREAT SAIYASQUAD!!!

Episode 3: The Ultra Divine Bar

By Brandon A. Mayo

Last time, on the Great Saiyasquad...

After battling with the big-haired Saiyan Raditz, and rescuing Kami, our heroes decided to become a permanent crime-fighting team: THE GREAT SAIYASQUAD!!!

A week has passed since that incredibly incredible battle. Our four heroes, which include champion of justice Great Saiyaman, demon-king-turned-hero Piccolo, suicidal three-eyed warrior Tien Shinhan, and the wolf-fang-fisted uber-playa Yamcha, have established a super-secret hideout, located in a cave. This super-high-tech hideout consists of...well, nothing except a cave and some sleeping bags.

What, were you expecting more? This isn't Batman. Shut up.

So anyway, our four heroes were relaxing in the cave, weary from their recent journey. As usual, Piccolo was angry about something or another.

Piccolo: AAARGH!!! I am so angry at you fools!!! If I didn't have to slow down so you pansy-asses could keep up, I could've gotten that cool new turban before they sold out!

Yamcha: Well geez, it's not our fault you just had to go to the Turban Emporium on the other side of the world!

Saiyaman: Be patient, comrade Piccolo! They said they'd get a new shipment in next week. We can wait until then! It's all good!

Piccolo: BWAAARGH!! YOU ALL SUCK!

Tien turns away from Piccolo and scratches his chin.

Tien: You know, it is true that Piccolo dwarfs the rest of us in speed, power...

Yamcha: Brains...

Tien: ...pretty much everything.

Saiyaman: Oh? What do you wish to do about this predicament, comrade Shinhan?

Tien: If we're going to operate together as an effective fighting force, it would be helpful if we all got a boost in power somehow.

Yamcha: Hey! Why don't we all go train in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber for a day? Then we'd all be fast enough to make it to the Turban Emporium in time next week!

Piccolo: No way! I have no desire whatsoever to wait a whole YEAR to get my new turban!

Saiyaman: Hmm... I see comrade Piccolo's point. What we need is some way to get tons stronger without having to spend tons of time doing it.

Yamcha: Or tons of effort! I'm lazy as hell, you know. I have been since the Cell saga.

Tien: Right. Now, we just need to figure out a way to get the quick and easy power boosts we need.

Just then, Yajirobe arrived right on cue, as if the story called for it. Which it does.

Yajirobe: Hey homies! I was just gonna head off to the new breaktis buffet at McCulluhonky's Breaktis Parlor, and I was wondering if you guys wanted to join me.

Saiyaman: Excuse me, Mr. Obese Samurai Dude, would you happen to know a way we can get some quick powerups with little effort?

Yajirobe: You might want to talk to Korin about that. I heard he's an expert on that kind of crap.

Yamcha: Oh yeah! Goku was able to exploderate King Piccolo almost instantly after drinking some stuff there. I almost forgot about that!

Piccolo: Ugh...don't remind me. My stomach still hurts from that encounter.

Saiyaman: I thought it was your father that was killed by that punch, not you!

Piccolo: I am my father.

Yamcha: ...and how does that work, exactly? Hillbilly genetics?

Piccolo: ...It's complicated.

Saiyaman: How so?

Piccolo: Oh just forget it! Let's go already! Geez!

And so, our four heroes fly off to Korin's tower, to ask the old cat for the stuff that Goku used to kill King Piccolo. Yajirobe, in the meantime, went off to have the best breaktis anyone could ever ask for. A breaktis so mind-blowingly amazing, trying to capture it in words would cause my brain to spontaneously explode.

After a short while, the Saiyasquad arrive at Korin's tower, and are greeted by the curmudgeonly cat himself.

Korin: Yo homies! S'up?

Tien: Korin, you know that stuff that you gave Goku to make him strong enough to kill King Piccolo? We want some of that stuff.

Yamcha: Yeah, hook a brother up!

Korin: Oh! Darkness will be so delighted! He hasn't had a customer in years!

Saiyaman: May I inquire as to the nature of this Darkness fellow?

Korin: Darkness is the big blobby dark dude who keeps the Ultra Divine Water. After Goku drank the water and survived, Darkness was so excited that he opened his own Ultra Divine Bar.

Yamcha: Do they serve nachos?

Korin: Of course! Anyway, his business hasn't been doing too well recently, due to all his customers dying and all.

Saiyaman: What?! His customers are dying?!?! How may I avenge this travesty??

Korin: Well, there's not much you can do, actually. If you're not strong enough when you drink the Ultra Divine Water, you fall down go boom. Dead.

Tien: Doesn't sound like a very safe product to me.

Korin: Oh, don't worry! You four are all plenty strong enough to survive the stuff.

Piccolo: Alright, enough chitchat! Where the hell is that goddamn bar?!

Korin: Just jump in this pot and you're there!

Korin goes over to a clay pot and removes the lid. The Saiyasquad members quickly jump into the pot, and land in a bar. This bar was extremely dark, and was littered with dead bodies, all holding shotglasses filled with the vile purple liquid the bar was known for. The heroes all hesitated to go over to the bar table.

Just then, the bartender spoke up.

Darkness: Ah, customers! It's about time! You have no idea how hard it is to get any business around here!

Yamcha: I'd bet! This isn't a very easy location for customers to get to!

Darkness: Actually, it's because my drink kills people.

Yamcha: Oh. Right.

Saiyaman: Anyway, we'd like one shot each of Ultra Divine Water!

Darkness: Of course! Right away!

Darkness set up four shot glasses, and was just about ready to fill them. However, the front doors quickly swung open, and an ominous figure entered. Clad in pink and partly made of metal, this sinister figure immediately caught the attention of our four heroes.

Tien: NO!!!! YOU'RE DEAD!!!!!!

The man twisted his mustache and grinned.

Taopaipai: That Ultra Divine Water is MINE!

To be continued, in Great Saiyasquad Episode 4: Kill You!