GREAT SAIYASQUAD!!!
Episode 2: RaditzŐ Revenge
By Brandon A. Mayo
Last time, on the Great Saiyasquad...
Kami-sama has been kidnapped! The culprit is Raditz, the evil Saiyan who has come back stronger than ever before. In desperation, Kami-sama contacts Piccolo, who agrees to rescue him with the help of Gohan, aka the Great Saiyaman! In addition, the Great Saiyaman recruits Tien, Yamcha, and Hercule to help them in their quest. Together, these five fighters are known as...THE GREAT SAIYASQUAD!!!
Back in Hercule City...
Piccolo: WAAAAH!!! We're screwed!!!
Saiyaman: Comrade Piccolo, please get a hold of yourself! We must maintain complete composure if we are to defeat Raditz and rescue Kami-sama!
Piccolo: *sniff*...Yeah, I guess you're right.
Saiyaman: Now, put on a happy face for your old buddy Great Saiyaman!
Piccolo: What? Have you gone insane?
Saiyaman: Oh, come on, Mr. Piccolo Poopy Pumpkinhead-Man. Like this! *does a really cheesy smile, showing his super-sparkly teeth*
Piccolo: *punches Saiyaman in the face* WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS NONSENSE!
Saiyaman: Ouchy!
Yamcha: Looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the mountain this morning.
Piccolo: *punches Yamcha in the face* YOU SHUT UP TOO!!! ANYONE ELSE WANT TO MAKE SOME INANE COMMENT ABOUT HOW GRUMPY I SUPPOSEDLY AM???
Everyone just stands there, silent.
Piccolo: Yeah, that's what I THOUGHT! Now excuse me while I go rescue Kami-sama. The rest of you can come, or not. It doesn't matter much to me! *flies away*
Hercule: YEAH!!! I AM THE GREATEST!!!
Yamcha: ...Shut up, Hercule.
Tien: Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm gonna go fight too! I want to test my skills against Raditz, and see how long I can stay alive!
Saiyaman: Your courage is admirable, Tien! We shall go help our friend Piccolo together! For we are...THE GREAT SAIYASQUAD!!!
Hercule: Uh, fellas? I'd love to come along with you, and knock the crap out of that Raditz guy, but...I can't fly.
Saiyaman: No need to worry! I shall give you a boost! *grabs Hercule*
Hercule: Now wait a minute, this isn't what I had in mind!
Saiyaman: GO FORTH, MIGHTY HERCULE! *throws Hercule into the sky*
Hercule: AWW CRAAAAAAAP!!! *PING*
Yamcha: Alright! Let's go!
Yamcha, Tien, and the Great Saiyaman blast off, and follow Piccolo to Kami-sama's floating palace thingy, in the hopes of rescuing him from the clutches of the evil Raditz.
Meanwhile, at Kami-sama's floating palace thingy, Raditz is patiently waiting for Nappa to arrive, so he can take Kami-sama back to his boss. To pass the time, Raditz is reading Nintendo Power.
Raditz: *sigh* I didn't realize that catching Mewtwo was so difficult to do...hey, what's that noise?
Hercule: ...CRAAAAAAAAAAP!!! *falls out of the sky and lands on his face, right in front of where Raditz is sitting* URGH!!
Raditz: Eh? Who is this retard?
Hercule: *leaps up off the floor and points at Raditz in an intimidating manner* I am Hercule, the world's strongest fighter! And I'm here to whup your butt! HARDCORE!
Kami-sama: Hercule??? I thought Piccolo was supposed to rescue me! This sucks!
Hercule: Come on and fight me, you big galoot! I'll beat you down so fast, you won't know what hit ya!
Raditz: I REFUSE to be defeated by someone with such ridiculous hair!
Kami-sama: Like you're one to talk.
Hercule and Raditz stare at each other dramatically for about five minutes straight. Then, Hercule leaps at Raditz in a flying jump kick of incredible flying jump-kickiness.
Hercule: MEGATON BLAST ATTACK!!! HI-YAAAH!!!
Raditz: How pathetic! *dodges the attack, and pokes Hercule with his index finger*
Hercule: OOOOW!!!!! THAT HURT, YOU BASTARD!!! NOW YOU WILL PAY!!!
Raditz: *yawns* Okay, whatever.
Hercule: PREPARE FOR MY ULTIMATE ATTACK! THE MIRACLE SPECIAL ULTRA SUPER MEGATON PUNCH!!! HWAAAAH!!!! *does a normal punch that hits Raditz in the chest*
Raditz: Wow, you really do suck. *blows on Hercule*
Hercule: AAAH!!! What an unbelievable attack!!! You must be cheating!! YOU'RE A BIG FAT CHEATER!!! GWAAAAH!!! *falls off of Kami-sama's floating palace thingy*
Raditz: Well, that was easy.
Saiyaman: I must commend you for being able to defeat Hercule!
Raditz: WHAT??? WHO SAID THAT??? *spins around in an incredibly dramatic manner, to see the Great Saiyasquad standing behind him*
Saiyaman: However, your evil ends here, Raditz!!! Prepare to face the mighty alliance of justice and RIGHTEOUSNESS!!!
Raditz: Who do you think YOU are, talking to ME like that???
Saiyaman: Allow us to tell you our names! We are...
Tien: Tien! *leaps into the praying mantis stance from Karate Kid*
Yamcha: Yamcha! *gets into his Wolf Fang stance*
Piccolo: Piccolo. *doesn't bother doing a pose*
Saiyaman: Saiyaman! *does his Justice Pose* And together, we are...
Saiyaman, Tien, and Yamcha (simultaneously): THE GREAT SAIYASQUAD!!!
Piccolo, Raditz, and Kami-sama: *sweatdrop*
Piccolo: Can't we just kick his ass now?
Raditz: BWAHAHAHAHA!!! I'd like to see you try! SAIBAMEN, COME FORTH!!!
All of a sudden, about a dozen Saibamen sprout out from the ground and surround the four heroes.
Yamcha: Saibamen, eh? They're no match for us!
Piccolo: Guys, I think this is going to be a very long and grueling battle.
The heroes quickly beat all the Saibamen.
Piccolo: Well, I guess I was wrong.
Raditz: ARGH!!! How could you beat all of my Saibamen????? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!
Piccolo: No it's not.
Saiyaman: Raditz!! If you surrender yourself now, I shall make sure that your punishment shall be rather lenient!
Raditz: NEVER!!!
Saiyaman: Very well, then! Prepare to face the justice that you have denied to millions! JUSTICE PUNCH!!!
The Great Saiyaman leaps into the air, and performs the Justice Punch, his trademark chi-charged diving punch of ultimate righteousness. However, Raditz easily sidesteps it, and hits the Great Saiyaman with his PPPPE combo, causing the Great Saiyaman to fall down dramatically, in slow-motion.
Saiyaman: OOAAAAH!!! OOAAAAH!!! OOAAAAH!!! *falls on his head*
Tien: *runs over to Saiyaman* Great Saiyaman! Are you alright?
Saiyaman: *gets up* It appears that Raditz may be too strong for us to defeat!
Tien: I see...In that case, there's only one thing that I can do. *puts his hands in a triangle shape*
Piccolo: NO, YOU IDIOT!!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT YET!!!!!
Tien: CHI KUNG BLAST!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MOMMY IT HURTS SO BAD!!!!!!! *fires a beam at Raditz, which hits him and makes a huge explosion*
Yamcha: Wow, it looks like Tien did it!
Raditz: HAHAHAHA!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!!!! *walks out of the smoke, completely unscathed*
All the heroes: *GASP!*
Tien: Crap! Why didn't it work???
Piccolo: Um...maybe because it NEVER EVER WORKS, EVER??? Jeez, what a dumbass.
Tien: Oh yeah, I forgot about that little detail... *starts coughing* Chaozu, my friend! I'm going to see you soon!!! *hacks, coughs, and dies*
Chaozu: *appears* I ain't dead. *leaves*
Yamcha: I don't get it! Why aren't any of our attacks working???
Raditz: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You want to know the secret behind my power, eh? I'll show you! *lifts up his hair, so the heroes can see what's hidden behind it*
All the heroes, simultaneously: NO!!! IT CANNOT BE!!!
Saiyaman: He...he's wearing...
Yamcha: ...A PARACHUTE!!!
Raditz: That's right, boys! As long as I wear this parachute, NOTHING CAN STOP ME! MY POWER IS INFINITE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *hack cough wheeze*
Piccolo: Not if I can do anything about it! It's time for my Special Beam Cannon!
Saiyaman: Comrade Piccolo, just how special IS your Special Beam Cannon?
Piccolo: It's VERY SPECIAL!
Saiyaman: Ah, that's what I was hoping you would say! Aim true, my dear friend, and smite him with the everlasting powers of JUSTICE! VERY SPECIAL JUSTICE!
Piccolo: That was my intention. *charges up energy*
Raditz: HAH! The Special Beam Cannon may have been able to defeat me before, but now that I have this parachute, nothing can stop me! Therefore, I will stupidly stand here and take the blast head-on!
Piccolo: You go ahead and do that. SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!!! *fires his attack, which goes right past Raditz and doesn't hit him*
Raditz: YOU MISSED!!! I didn't even MOVE, and you MISSED! Wow, you really suck! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Piccolo: Don't be so cocky. I hit my target.
Yamcha: Hey, Piccolo's right! Look!
Yamcha and the Great Saiyaman look to see that, although Raditz himself wasn't hit, his parachute was. The parachute was completely destroyed by the very special force of Piccolo's Special Beam Cannon.
Raditz: Wh-what??? My parachute has been destroyed!!! How is it possible?!?!?! The parachute made me invincible!!!
Piccolo: A parachute might make its wearer invincible, but it apparently does not make ITSELF invincible! Maybe if your parachute was wearing a parachute, it would have been invincible, but it wasn't! Which made it very easy to destroy!
Raditz: Curses, why didn't I think of that??? I can't believe it!!!
Piccolo: Yamcha! Without that parachute, Raditz' power level has dropped back to its original level of 1200! That means that even you should be able to defeat him easily!
Yamcha: Alright! Raditz, I'm gonna take you out!
Yamcha then slowly walks towards Raditz in a very badasslike manner. The "Step into the Grand Tour" song begins playing in the background, for dramatic effect, as he walks.
Raditz: N-no! Stay away from me! Double Sunday! *fires the attack, which has no effect on Yamcha* Saturday Crush! *fires that attack, which also has no effect* Aaah!
Yamcha: Your days are numbered, idiot! *gets into his Wolf Fang stance*
Raditz: N-n-no! Wait!!!
Yamcha: WOLF FANG FIST!!! *hits Raditz directly in the chest*
Raditz: NOOO!!!! HOW COULD I LOSE?!?! I, THE MIGHTY RADITZ!!! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! GWOOOOOAAAAH!!!! *explodes in a huge, dramatic ball of fire*
Yamcha: Yeah!!! We did it!
Piccolo: I hate to say it, but you did a good job, Yamcha...unlike that idiot Tien...
Saiyaman: Our first day as an alliance of heroic crime-fighters has been a complete success, my comrades! I propose that from now on, we continue to fight together as the Great Saiyasquad, so we can rid the world of all evil!
Yamcha: Yeah, sounds good! I'll definitely keep fighting alongside you guys!
Piccolo: Ugh, I don't know about this...
Kami-sama: Piccolo, I believe it would be a wise decision for you to be a part of this Great Saiyasquad. Together, you were able to defeat Raditz, rescue me, and save the world from from impending destruction.
Piccolo: Impending destruction? All we did was save your wrinkly old ass. I don't see any "impending destruction" involved there.
Kami-sama: I know. I just wanted it to sound more dramatic and cool.
Piccolo: ...And when did you get out of your cage?
Kami-sama: Um...a couple of seconds ago? I really don't remember.
Piccolo: ...Well, I guess it's not the weirdest thing that's happened in this story...Anyway, I'll agree to stay on the team. But only because you guys would totally freaking die without me.
Saiyaman: Alright! Comrades, let's go on our next mission!
Yamcha: What's that, Great Saiyaman?
Saiyaman: To find the Dragon Balls! We need to bring Tien back to life!
Piccolo: Okay, but I hope you realize that he's only going to kill himself again. He's stupid like that.
Saiyaman: Onward! For the Dragon Balls!
And so, the three heroes, now forever known as the Great Saiyasquad, fly off to search for the Dragon Balls, so they can bring Tien back to life in time for the next episode.
Hercule: *with his head stuck in the ground, down on Earth* Uh, guys...could someone help me? ...Please?
Meanwhile, inside the throne room at the Artichoke Palace...
A mysterious man, who is conveniently hidden by shadows, is approached by Zarbon, his faithful servant.
???: Zarbon! What is your report?
Zarbon: Raditz has failed, master. He has been killed.
???: No matter! Raditz was a weakling without that parachute, anyway. Tell me, was Kakarot the man who defeated him?
Zarbon: No, sir. It was a strange group of superheroes, calling themselves the Great Saiyasquad.
???: The Great Saiyasquad, hm? Interesting...
Zarbon: Would you like me to deal with them, sir?
???: No...I have an idea. An idea that will rid me of the Great Saiyasquad, and anyone else who tries to oppose me! Soon, I shall rule the universe! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
What adventures await our heroes in the future? Who is the mysterious man who wants to do our heroes in? And will the heroes ever remember that Hercule exists? Find out on the next episode of the Great Saiyasquad!