GREAT SAIYASQUAD!!!
Episode 1: The Origin
By Brandon A. Mayo
It was a peaceful Sunday afternoon, up on Kami-sama's big floating palace thingy. Kami-sama, the guardian of the planet Earth, was enjoying a delicious picnic with his good friend, Mr. Popo.
Kami-sama: Oh, Mr. Popo, these teacakes are exquisite! How do you do it?
Mr. Popo: Mr. Popo used his special recipe and made the teacakes with extra care for Kami-sama. Does Kami-sama enjoy them?
Kami-sama: Most definitely, Mr. Popo. You have truly outdone yourself. *wipes his mouth daintily with his napkin*
But just then, both of the peaceful picnickers hear a noise. Pink-colored lightning bolts streak through the sky, and the floating palace thingy starts shaking in a ridiculously dramatic manner. Then, all of a sudden, a tall, shadowy figure appears before the shocked duo. When Kami-sama and Mr. Popo notice who the man standing in front of them is, they shout his name dramatically.
Kami-sama, Mr. Popo: IT'S RADITZ!!!!!!
The camera then does about a dozen dramatic close-ups on Raditz, each of which is from a different angle.
Raditz: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! BWAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Kami-sama: ...Are you done yet?
Raditz: GWAAAAH-HAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! HAHAHA!!! HAHA!! HA!
Kami-sama: ......
Raditz: ......
Mr. Popo: ......
Raditz: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Kami-sama: DUDE, SHUT UP!!
Raditz: Oh, sorry. Now where was I? ...Oh yes, I was going to explain why I'm here.
Mr. Popo: Yes, Mr. Popo would very much like to know why Raditz is at Kami-sama's floating palace thingy.
Raditz: I am here...TO KIDNAP KAMI-SAMA!!!
Kami-sama: ...Why?
Raditz: I don't have time to explain why. I wasted too much time laughing my head off.
Mr. Popo: Mr. Popo will not allow Raditz to kidnap Kami-sama! Mr. Popo will stop Raditz! GWOOOH!!!
Mr. Popo then proceeds to run directly towards Raditz, flailing his arms around like a complete idiot. Raditz takes one look at Mr. Popo, raises his hand, and blasts Mr. Popo into oblivion.
Mr. Popo: OH NOOOO!!! *explodes*
Kami-sama: You...you MONSTER!!! *shakes his fist at Raditz angrily*
Raditz: Yeah, yeah. Just get into my cage, or else I'll blow your ass up too.
Kami-sama: Fine, fine.
Kami-sama then climbs into the large cage that Raditz has conveniently brought with him. Raditz then closes the door to the cage, and locks it. After that, he sits down beside the cage, and looks at his watch.
Raditz: Now I just have to wait for Nappa to show up, and we can take you back to the boss's headquarters...
Meanwhile, in some really big mountain range, far away...
Piccolo, Kami-sama's formerly-evil alter-ego, was training. As usual, Piccolo's training consists mostly of flying around, grunting, and punching stuff. Piccolo was in the process of grunting when he received a telepathic message.
Piccolo: Grrrr! Raaargh!!! HrrrngYAARGH!!! RRRNGH!!!! UUGGH!!!
Kami-sama: Piccolo! Can you hear me, Piccolo?
Piccolo: What do YOU want, old fart? I'm busy grunting right now!
Kami-sama: I know how important grunting is to you, but this is more important!
Piccolo: *sigh* What is it?
Kami-sama: Raditz has returned! He is holding me captive on top of my floating palace thingy! If I'm not rescued soon, the Earth itself is in grave danger!
Piccolo: Why?
Kami-sama: ...It just is, okay? Surely you can sense his incredible chi! I know that's your specialty.
Piccolo: Yes, I sense his chi now! He's so powerful! I can't believe how powerful he is! I've never felt a power like this before! Oh my god, he's so powerful! His chi possesses a lot of power, and it is very powerful and hard to defeat because of how powerful it is! I can't believe it! He is-
Kami-sama: Just shut up and rescue me, already!!!
Piccolo: Yes, I will rescue you! However, because of how powerful Raditz is, I think I'm going to need some help.
Kami-sama: Great idea! So, you're going to get Goku to help?
Piccolo: No. That would make it too easy to win. The fight needs to be pointlessly dramatic and dangerous, or else people won't watch it. Instead, I'm going to go find Gohan. He's all grown up now, which means he won't be quite as annoying as he was back in the Freeza Saga.
Kami-sama: That is also a wise decision! I leave it up to you! Good luck!
Piccolo: Yeah, whatever.
Piccolo, now aware of the dire situation at hand, flies off to find Gohan. After sensing his chi, and ranting and raving about how unbelievably powerful Gohan is for about ten minutes straight, Piccolo finally determines that Gohan is in Hercule City.
Meanwhile, in Hercule City...
A bank has just been robbed! The three criminals, hauling huge bags of money, run from the crime scene, being chased by angry policemen.
Policeman: Stop, or we'll shoot you! And I really mean it!
Criminal: Heh heh heh! You'll never catch US, coppers!
???: Oh they won't, will they???
The criminals spin around to see a strangely-garbed man, wearing a green outfit, white boots, and a ridiculously stupid-looking orange helmet. With antennas.
Criminal: Wh-who the heck are you?!?!
???: Allow me to tell you my name! I am...
The stranger then begins to strike a variety of ultra-cheesy, superheroic poses.
???: He who does NOT stand for EVIL! The CHAMPION of JUSTICE! THE GREAT SAIYAMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After he's done posing, the Great Saiyaman looks up to see that the criminals escaped during his speech.
Saiyaman: Oh, phooey.
Piccolo then lands right behind Saiyaman, and speaks to him.
Piccolo: Gohan, there you are! Hurry, we need to go rescue Kami-sama!
Saiyaman: Greetings, Piccolo! How interesting it is that we should cross paths again, in this time of turmoil! However, I am not Gohan.
Piccolo: If you're not Gohan, then who are you, huh?
Saiyaman: Allow me to tell you my name! I am...
Piccolo: Oh, god...
Saiyaman: He who does NOT stand for EVIL! The CHAMPION of-
Piccolo: Shut up! *punches Saiyaman in the stomach*
Saiyaman: URGH! The Great Saiyaman has been defeated! Can it be? Yes! It can be! *falls down*
While the Great Saiyaman is passed out on the ground, Piccolo removes his helmet. Using his incredible Namekian intelligence, and a close inspection of the Great Saiyaman's head, Piccolo comes to a conclusion.
Piccolo: It appears that Gohan has recently experienced severe head trauma. As a result of this injury, I believe that Gohan now permanently thinks he's the Great Saiyaman, and has forgotten his true identity. So, in essence, the man known as Gohan has been permanently replaced with the everlasting superhero persona of the Great Saiyaman. God, this sucks.
About half an hour later, the Great Saiyaman regains his consciousness. Piccolo realizes that, since Gohan now permanently believes he's the Great Saiyaman, he has forgotten how to utilize his true power. Because of this, the two fighters decide that they need to find more warriors to help them in the battle against Raditz, if they are to have any hope of victory. Piccolo agrees to let the Great Saiyaman put together a small band of strong fighters. Together, this group of fighters would hopefully be strong enough to destroy Raditz and rescue Kami-sama.
Four hours later, the Great Saiyaman finally returns at the point where Piccolo agreed to meet him, once the job has been done.
Piccolo: So, have you found some strong fighters that can help us defeat Raditz?
Great Saiyaman: Indeed I have, comrade Piccolo! With these fighters at our sides, as part of our mighty Great Saiyasquad, victory shall surely be ours! Show yourselves, fellow fighters!
Two warriors appear from behind the Great Saiyaman, and present themselves to Piccolo.
Tien: Hey, Yamcha, check it out! The Great Saiyaman has recruited Piccolo as well!
Yamcha: Awesome! Now we can definitely defeat that evil Raditz!
Great Saiyaman: So, Piccolo, what do you think?
Piccolo: ...Four hours of searching, and the strongest fighters you could find...are Tien and Yamcha?! They SUCK!
Yamcha: Hey, so what if I'm not very smart? So what if I always lose?
Tien: So what if I tend to mindlessly kill myself fairly often?
Yamcha: That doesn't mean we suck!
Piccolo: uh. Yeah it does.
Tien: ...He does have a point, you know.
Yamcha: ...Well, MAYBE...
Saiyaman: So, it appears that you don't have much faith in my choices of warriors, eh, Piccolo?
Piccolo: No. I don't.
Saiyaman: Well, I have chosen one more warrior! This man is supposedly the strongest fighter in the world!
Piccolo: Oh! You've brought Goku too? Excellent!
Saiyaman: No, I have not brought Goku. I have brought someone even better! Someone who is SO strong and mighty, they have named the city after him!
Piccolo: No!!! You don't mean...
The final warriors chosen by Saiyaman approaches, and raises his arms in the air triumphantly.
Saiyaman: I present to you...HERCULE!
Hercule: YEAH!!! I AM THE MIGHTIEST!!! WOO-HOO!!!
Piccolo: Damn! We're screwed!!! WAAAAAH!!! *cries like a baby*
Tien: Hey, Piccolo...why are you crying?
And so, the five fighters that shall make up the Great Saiyasquad have gathered together. Will they be able to rescue Kami-sama from the evil Raditz, who is now more powerful than ever before? Or will they fail horribly, and face a gruesome fate worse than getting sent to another dimension?
Find out on Episode 2: Raditz' Revenge!