The New FLAW
May 14, 2007
Joe: Welcome to another edition of the New FLAW! Today, we've got just one match for you, but it's a doozy! Sixteen incredible wrestlers fought hard in the FLAW Championship Tournament, but now, we're down to two. Mr. Karate and Terrance Beauregard will go one on one to become the first FLAW Champion!
Dan: Go Daddy go Daddy go! GO! GO! GO! GO! DADDY! DADDY! RAP!
Joe: ...These two are incredible warriors in every sense of the word. Mr. Karate and Terrance Beauregard both have had illustrious careers in the street fighting circuits, and today, one of them will reach the top of the mountain once again. We've got David R. Kett backstage with the two wrestlers right now!
*The view switches to David R. Kett, standing alongside Mr. Karate and Terrance Beauregard.*
David: Hello, everyone! I've got the two competitors for the FLAW Championship here today, and I want to get your thoughts on the match! Terrance, you first. How do you feel you'll fare in the match?
Terrance: Ah am velly essited to bee een da shampunchip match! Ah weel rassul mah haadest, an' at dee end off da day, ah weel hord da Fraw titol! OKAY!!!
David: ...Translators?
*The camera pans over to several off-screen translators, who just shrug their shoulders in confusion. The camera then pans back to David.*
David: ...Aaaalright. Mr. Karate, any comments?
Mr. Karate: No.
David: Are you sure? This is a really big-
Mr. Karate: I have nothing to say. My performance will speak for me.
David: ...okay then. Guys, good luck in your match.
Terrance: OKAY!!!
David: Back to you, Joe... *speaks under his breath* This is the worst interview I've ever had.
*The view goes back to Joe and Dan.*
Joe: No more delays! Let's get the match started!
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the FLAW Championship!
*"Hardcore Motherfucker" by Ultraviolence plays, and Mr. Karate stoically walks down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... from Southtown, USA, weighing in at 193 pounds... MISTER KARATE!
Joe: And here comes the Hardcore Motherfucker! Mr. Karate is known to be one of the most brutal wrestlers in FLAW. To get to this title match, he devastated Senor Caliente, nearly injured Azul Combo, and actually killed Allen O'Neil in a match! There are no lengths he will not go to in order to win. Will his aggression lead him to championship gold tonight?
Dan: Yes, it will, because Hibiki blood flows through his veins! SAIKYO!!!
*Mr. Karate gets into the ring and stands in his corner, focused and ready for battle. Then, "Hungry Like The Wolf" by Duran Duran plays as Terrance Beauregard drives to the ring on his pizza delivery motor scooter.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... from Leonardo, Massachusetts, weighing in at 412 pounds... the Hungry Wolf, TERRANCE BEAUREGARD!
Joe: Terrance Beauregard is not a man to be underestimated! A former street fighting champion turned pizza restaurant manager, Beauregard chose to come out of retirement to wrestle here in FLAW! He's made an impressive showing thus far, defeating X-Croc, Doriaan McHawk, and even the former FLAW Gold Champion, Captain Happyheart! We'll see if he can put one more victory on his resume and once again claim championship gold!
Dan: Not while Daddy's around, he won't!
Joe: You've just totally forgotten that Mr. Karate broke your leg, haven't you?
Dan: I decided to forgive him. Let bygones be bygones, I say. Besides, family is a very important value in the ways of SAIKYO!!!
Joe: If you say so.
*Terrance parks his scooter, and climbs into the ring. He stands in his corner and flashes a smile at Mr. Karate, excited and eager to fight. The Referee signals for the bell.*
Dan: THIS HERE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH BE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe: Beauregard and Karate come out of their corners, eyes locked in a fierce stare! Both fighters are sizing each other up, trying to figure out how best to approach the situation!
Dan: COME ON! FIGHT ALREADY!
Joe: Don't be so impatient. The two warriors lock up, struggling for an advantage! Beauregard quickly uses his superior girth to his advantage, forcing Karate into the corner! Beauregard swings a right arm at Karate, but Karate ducks out of the way and spins behind Beauregard! Before Beauregard can turn around to react, Karate drops to the ground and tries to go for a roll-up pin! But because of Beauregard's massive size, Karate is having difficulty rolling him up! Beauregard reacts by sitting on Karate for a pin! ONE! Karate kicks out at one, pushing Beauregard off of him!
Dan: C'mon, Dad! You can do it!
Joe: Mr. Karate retreats to his corner, trying to gain some breathing room! Beauregard sees Karate propped in his corner, and goes for a splash in the corner! But Mr. Karate leaps out of the way and uses his arms to drive Beauregard face first into the turnbuckle! With Beauregard stunned, Mr. Karate goes for another roll-up pin, and succeeds in rolling him up this time! ONE! TWO! Oh, and Beauregard recovers to kick out at the two count!
Dan: CRAP IN A HAT!
Joe: Both fighters back to their feet! And once again, they lock up! Terrance again tries to use his size to force the advantage on Mr. Karate, but Karate spins around behind Beauregard and hits him square in the back with a big drop kick! Beauregard falls forward and lands on the middle rope, dazed! Mr. Karate goes over and starts choking Beauregard with the ropes!
Dan: Is that legal?
Joe: It is legal! Choking is legal in the rules of FLAW, as is using any part of the ring to aid in your attacks. However, Mr. Karate will not be able to win as long as he or Beauregard is holding onto the ropes!
Dan: Okay, cool.
Joe: This is a smart strategy on the part of Mr. Karate! Terrance Beauregard is twice as big as Mr. Karate, but big guys need air just as much as smaller ones! Cutting off Beauregard's oxygen supply, although dirty, will allow Mr. Karate to weaken him.
Dan: Yay! My daddy are smartester, like me!
Joe: Oh, but wait! Terrance kicks upward with his leg, nailing Mr. Karate with a low blow! Mr. Karate lets go of the choke, allowing Beauregard some time to recover! Beauregard, despite his weakened state, spins around and nails Mr. Karate with a Powaa Chaaj shoulder strike, sending Mr. Karate to the canvas!
Dan: NOOOO DADDY!!
Joe: Beauregard is now scaling the turnbuckle! He's on the top rope!
Dan: Fat man gonna fly!
Joe: Beauregard soars the air, and drives his fist right into Karate's sternum! That's his Powaa Duck fist drop! Karate flops around like a wounded fish! Beauregard goes for the cover! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! Mr. Karate kicks out right before the three count!
Dan: Yaaaaaay!!!
Joe: Beauregard is frustrated that he didn't get the three count! But, he quickly regains his composure as he gets back on his feet! Beauregard grabs Mr. Karate by the front of his black gi top, and heaves him into the corner! Then, Beauregard gets a running start, leaps through the air, and SLAMS his fist again into Mr. Karate's chest! That Baahn Knackoo has knocked Karate for a loop! Karate, disoriented, stumbles out of his corner...right into the outstretched hand of Terrance Beauregard!
Dan: NO! NOT THE CHOKE SLAM!
Joe: Beauregard's got his hand wrapped firmly around Mr. Karate's throat! With his other hand, he throws his hat into the air to signal the end! Then, with all his power, Beauregard lifts Mr. Karate into the air, and brings him down... BUT MR. KARATE COUNTERS THE CHOKE SLAM INTO AN INCREDIBLE DDT!!!
Dan: YAAAAAAY!!!
Joe: That DDT was one of the most powerful ones I've ever seen! Mr. Karate could go for the cover, but instead, he rolls Beauregard over and sits on his thigh! Oh no, not this move! You better close your eyes, Dan!
Dan: Eep! *closes his eyes*
Joe: Karate grabs Beauregard's leg by the ankle and starts pulling it upward, trying to snap Beauregard's leg at the knee! Beauregard's a tough man, but this move reduces even him to a blubbering cry baby! Terrance is crying and screaming, desperately looking all around for a rope to grab! But he's right in the middle of the ring, with no ropes anywhere near him! He has to tap out or risk getting his leg broken!
Dan: Tell me when it's over!
Joe: Beauregard's got to tap any second now! He's got no other option! ...But wait! With all his strength, Beauregard kicks Mr. Karate hard in the head with his free leg! He then rolls over onto his stomach, forcing Mr. Karate into a pinning predicament! The Referee makes the count! ONE! TWO! Mr. Karate lets go of the hold to get out of the pin!
Dan: So I can look now?
Joe: Yeah, you can open your eyes. Both men are struggling to get to their feet! Mr. Karate is dazed from the hard kick to the side of his head, while Terrance is hurting from that terrible submission maneuver! Both men make it back to their feet, although Beauregard is having trouble standing! Mr. Karate decides to take advantage of the situation! He bounces off the ropes, runs back at Terrance, and goes for a clothesline... but Terrance manages to get out of the way, grabbing Mr. Karate by the throat in the process!
Dan: NOOOO! NOT ANOTHER CHOKE SLAM!
Joe: Beauregard kicks Karate in the stomach to weaken him this time, then lifts him high in the air... AND HE DOES IT! HE SUCCEEDS WITH THE CHOKE SLAM THIS TIME! MR. KARATE IS SLAMMED INTO THE MAT BY ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL CHOKE SLAMS I'VE EVER SEEN!
Dan: Oh noooo! DADDY!!!
Joe: But wait! Beauregard is not going for the cover! What is he doing?! He could have the match won right here! Instead, Beauregard turns around and climbs up the turnbuckle! On the top rope, he throws his jacket into the air! He's signaling for his new finishing move, the Belly Bomber!
Dan: COME ON, DAD! GET UP!
Joe: Beauregard waits for Mr. Karate to get back on his feet! And Karate does so quicker than anyone before him! Perhaps Beauregard was smart in not going for the cover! Instead, he leaps through the air, performing a flying cross body directed straight at Mr. Karate! It looks like this match is over! BUT WAIT! MR. KARATE CATCHES TERRANCE BEAUREGARD IN MIDAIR!
Dan: GO DADDY GO! GO DADDY GO!
Joe: Beauregard seemed to have this match won, but Mr. Karate just caught him in midair as if he weighed nothing! Mr. Karate stalls for a moment...and SLAMS Beauregard to the ground with his MICHINOKU DRIVER! MICHINOKU DRIVER! FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS OF FLESH ALL CRASHED DOWN RIGHT ON TERRANCE'S NECK! TERRANCE FALLS LIMP TO THE MAT! Mr. Karate, exhausted, collapses on Beauregard for the pin! ONE! TWO! THREE!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner, and the NEEEEW FLAW Champion... MISTEEEEER KARATEEEEEEE!!!
*Confetti falls from the ceiling as The Referee runs in, handing the FLAW Championship belt to Mr. Karate.*
Dan: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! DADDY WON!!!!!!!!
Joe: In one of the most grueling matches we've seen in FLAW, Mr. Karate pulled out the big win here today! By countering the Belly Bomber into an extremely powerful Michinoku Driver, Mr. Karate got the three count! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Karate has won the tournament, and he is your new Fourteen Lasers Awesome Wrestling Champion! What an amazing day!
Dan: WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!! THE BEST DAY EVAR!!!!
Joe: Tune in later tonight, as FLAW News reports what's next for our new champion, as well as the rest of the company! Then, on Monday, we'll bring you another exciting episode of the New FLAW! See you then!
FLAW News
Next Week's Show Announced
May 14, 2007
Earlier today, Mr. Karate won the FLAW Championship Tournament, beating Terrance Beauregard in a hard-fought battle to become the FLAW Champion. Our new champion may now rest easy, knowing that his first title defense won't be for another three weeks.
In the meantime, a number 1 contender must be chosen. In two weeks' time, the other three people who made it to the semi-finals (Terrance Beauregard, Captain Happyheart, and Azul Combo) will battle it out to become the number 1 contender and receive a title shot for the following week. However, this match will actually be a Fatal 4-Way, meaning that there's one more spot available in the match.
This spot will go to the winner of yet another Fatal 4-Way, consisting of the four people who were eliminated in round 2: Doriaan McHawk, Allen O'Neil, Giant Enemy Crab, and CATS. This match will take place as the main event of next week's episode of the New FLAW, which will air Monday, May 21.
In addition to this match, a special 4 on 4 tag match will occur, featuring all of the wrestlers who were unfortunately eliminated in the first round of the tournament. Although it is just an exhibition match, the winning team will be able to move out of the Losers' Lounge and into their own private dressing rooms. These wrestlers are bound to fight their hardest in order to prove who deserves the respect of their peers.
In summary, next week's episode of the New FLAW consists of:
4 on 4 Tag Match
Mars People, Robodile, Don Combo, and Senor Caliente vs. BK Punk, X-Croc, Captain Unhappyheart, and Agent BA-2 "J"
Fatal 4-Way, winner gets into the following week's number 1 contender's match
Doriaan McHawk vs. Allen O'Neil vs. Giant Enemy Crab vs. CATS
We hope you are enjoying the New FLAW. Please tune in on Monday, May 21, for more exciting wrestling action.