The New FLAW
May 10, 2007
Joe: Hello, everybody! Welcome to another edition of the New FLAW! I'm Joe Higashi, and with me as always is color commentator Dan Hibiki.
Dan: *thumbs-up*
Joe: We're getting closer and closer to finding out who will become the first ever FLAW Champion! Yesterday, Mr. Karate completely devastated Azul Combo to claim his spot in the championship match. Today, the other two semi-finalists, Captain Happyheart and Terrance Beauregard, will go one on one, and the winner will battle Mr. Karate for the FLAW Championship tomorrow!
Dan: SO TOTALLY AWESOME!
Joe: That's why it's called Awesome Wrestling, Dan!
Dan: WORD.
Joe: Hey, check it out, Dan! That match is starting... NOW!
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a round 3 match in the FLAW Championship Tournament!
*Happyheart's theme song, "Gala Gala Happy" by DJ Softhard, plays, as Happyheart does his trademark entrance, skipping down the aisle like a mentally challenged schoolgirl.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, weighing in at 176 pounds... CAPTAIN HAPPYHEART!
Joe: Captain Happyheart was the original holder of the old FLAW's top title, the Gold Championship! He's certainly a favorite to win the whole tournament!
Dan: He's one of my favorites, that's for sure!
Joe: Happyheart got to this point in the tournament by beating Robodile by pinfall in round 1, and then squeaking out a disqualification victory against Giant Enemy Crab in round 2! Will he be able to win once again?
*Captain Happyheart climbs the turnbuckle in his corner, and does the Orton pose as pink sparkles fall from his body. He then leaps down and fidgets excitedly in his corner. Then, "Hungry Like a Wolf" by Duran Duran plays, as Terrance Beauregard drives to the ring on a pizza delivery motor scooter.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... from Leonardo, Massachusetts, weighing in at 412 pounds... the Hungry Wolf, TERRANCE BEAUREGARD!
Joe: Terrance Beauregard is certainly no underdog here! A former street fighting champion, Terrance Beauregard is one of the most skilled fighters in this tournament! He proved that he still has what it takes to win matches, proving himself over younger talents X-Croc and Doriaan McHawk! Let's see how he'll do against the former champion!
Dan: OKAY!
*Terrance parks his scooter by the ring, then climbs onto the apron and somersaults over the ropes. He gets into his corner and gazes intensely at his opponent. The Referee signals for the bell.*
Dan: THIS HERE MATCH BE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWNNNNN!!!
Joe: Happyheart and Beauregard both come out of their corners, sizing each other up! They lock up, and struggle to gain the advantage! Finally, Beauregard grabs Happyheart by the arm and delivers a hip toss! Happyheart hits the ground, but quickly scrambles back to his feet, hitting Terrance in the face with an elbow strike! Beauregard responds with a hard chop to the chest, then Irish whips Happyheart into the turnbuckle!
Dan: What's so Irish about the Irish whip?
Joe: ...I'm not sure. Stepping back to gain some running room, Beauregard dashes straight at Happyheart, and leaps into the air with his Baahn Knackoo move! Beauregard's fist connects squarely with Happyheart's sternum! Happyheart staggers out of the corner, and falls to the mat! Beauregard goes for the cover! ONE! TWO! And Happyheart kicks out!
Dan: I knew he would, cuz he's a SUPER HERO!
Joe: Beauregard drags Happyheart to his feet, and whips him into the ropes! Happyheart runs back at him, and hits him with one of his trademark front drop kicks! Beauregard stumbles toward the ropes behind him! Happyheart leaps back to his feet and takes advantage, hitting Beauregard with repeated chops! Beauregard's back is to the ropes, and Happyheart hits him with another drop kick! Beauregard falls backwards, and his arms get tangled up in the ropes! He's effectively been immobilized!
Dan: What does immob...uh, whatever you said mean?
Joe: It means Beauregard can't move. Why don't you go buy a dictionary for these times?
Dan: I would, but I blew my last paycheck on professional photographs of myself. For autographing purposes.
Joe: Let me guess. All those photos are just lying around in your house, unused.
Dan: ...yeah.
Joe: Wonderful. Oh, sorry fans! While we were talking, Happyheart has been taking advantage of Beauregard's unfortunate circumstances, pummeling him with punches, chops, and elbows! His assault continues, as Beauregard lies there, against the ropes, helpless to do anything! But wait! Out of nowhere, Beauregard uses a leg to nail Happyheart with a low blow!
Dan: RIGHT IN THE BALLS!
Joe: Happyheart backs off, holding his manhood in pain, but remaining in surprisingly good spirits about it! Beauregard uses the opportunity to untie himself from the ropes! He runs at Happyheart and nails him with his Power Chaaj shoulder strike! Happyheart flies to the ground and flails about! Beauregard goes for the cover again! ONE! TWO! And again, Happyheart kicks out!
Dan: Yay! Go Happy go Happy go!
Joe: Terrance grabs Happyheart in an attempt to drag him back to his feet, but Happyheart, at lightning speed, nails Beauregard in the ankles with his trademark sweep kick! Beauregard falls to the ground, landing flat on his back! Happyheart quickly follows up with a double elbow strike to Beauregard's face! Then, Happyheart stands back up and signals for THE LEG DROP!
Dan: YES! YES! OH YES!
Joe: In a dramatic show of theatrics, Happyheart bounces off the ropes, runs back to Beauregard, poses, then DROPS THE LEG RIGHT ACROSS BEAUREGARD'S FACE!
Dan: This here match be OVAR!
Joe: Happyheart goes for the cover! ONE! TWO! THR- OH MY GOD!!! TERRANCE BEAUREGARD KICKED OUT OF THE LEG DROP!!!
Dan: WHAT!!! WHAT!!!
Joe: Like he did against Robodile, Happyheart has decided to go for another The Leg Drop! He runs to the ropes, bounces off the ropes... and runs RIGHT INTO BEAUREGARD'S OUTSTRETCHED HAND! Terrance has his hand around Happyheart's throat! He lifts Happyheart high above his head, and... CHOKE SLAM! CHOKE SLAM! BEAUREGARD ROCKS THE RING WITH HIS MOST POWERFUL CHOKE SLAM EVER!
Dan: OH SHIT, I JUST CRAPPED MYSELF!
Joe: Beauregard drops to the ring and covers Happyheart! It's got to be over! ONE! TWO! THR- WHAT! HAPPYHEART! KICKED! OUT!
Dan: WOAAAAAAH!!
Joe: Beauregard decides to go for another choke slam! He lifts Happyheart to his feet, and grabs him by the neck... but Happyheart kicks Terrance in the gut! He wraps his arm around Terrance's head, jumps, and DEVASTATES BEAUREGARD WITH A HAPPY HEADBREAKER! HAPPY HEADBREAKER!
Dan: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Joe: Happyheart is scaling the turnbuckle! He poses, signaling for the Very Merry Moonsault! He's looking to end this match! ...But wait! Terrance Beauregard has already recovered! He's scaling the turnbuckle after Happyheart! Happyheart doesn't see him; he's still posing! Beauregard reaches the top turnbuckle, and puts his hand around Happyheart's throat! Oh no! NO! DON'T DO IT, TERRANCE!
Dan: THIS IS AWESOME! *clap clap clapclapclap*
Joe: Terrance Beauregard lifts Happyheart above his head by the throat! He leaps into the air! AND HE SLAMS HAPPYHEART DOWN WITH AN INCREDIBLE CHOKE SLAM FROM THE TOP ROPE!!! HAPPYHEART GOES COMPLETELY LIMP!
Dan: HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT!
Joe: Beauregard, exhausted, collapses on Happyheart for the cover! ONE! TWO! THREE!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner by pinfall... The Hungry Wolf, TERRANCE BEAUREGARD!
Joe: The Referee raises Terrance Beauregard's arm high into the air, signaling his victory! Terrance can't believe it! He gave it his all, and he was able to overcome the former Gold Champion with a thunderous choke slam from the top rope to advance to the finals!
Dan: THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!
*Suddenly, "Hardcore Motherfucker" by Ultraviolence plays, and Mr. Karate comes out onto the ramp. He stares directly into Terrance's eyes, points at him, and then makes a thumbs-down signal. Terrance Beauregard laughs in response.*
Joe: Mr. Karate has made his goal clear today! He wants to defeat Terrance Beauregard and claim the FLAW Championship for himself!
Dan: He's so scary!
Joe: And that's it for today's edition of the New FLAW! Tune in tomorrow as the FLAW Championship Tournament comes to a close! It's Mr. Karate vs. Terrance Beauregard for the FLAW Championship! Two extremely skilled fighters overcame fourteen other competitors to make it this far! But only one can take home the FLAW Championship and call himself "the best!"
Dan: Who will it be?
Joe: I don't know, Dan! We'll have to be here tomorrow to find out! Fans, you should be here, too, to watch what could end up being one of the most brutal matches in FLAW history! See you there!