The New FLAW
May 4, 2007
Joe: Welcome to another edition of the New FLAW! I'm your play by play commentator, Joe Higashi, and joining me is my partner, Dan Hibiki.
Dan: Hello all you peoples!
Joe: We've got a great show for you today! We're in the middle of round 2 of the FLAW Championship Tournament. On our last show, Mr. Karate and Terrance Beauregard advanced to round 3! Today, the remaining four wrestlers will fight to claim the last two spots in round 3, and become that much closer to becoming FLAW Champion!
Dan: Who's competing today, Joe?
Joe: Thanks for asking, Dan! We've got Giant Enemy Crab, CATS, Azul Combo, and Captain Happyheart competing in randomized matches against each other! In fact, the first match will start... now!
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a round 2 match in the FLAW Championship Tournament!
*"Gala Gala Happy" by DJ Softhard plays as Happyheart skips down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, weighing in at 177 pounds... CAPTAIN HAPPYHEART!
Dan: YAAAAAAAAAY! HAPPYHEART!!!
Joe: Apparently, former Gold Champion Captain Happyheart was drawn as number 5 in this round! I can't wait to see which wrestler drew number 6!
*Happyheart reaches the ring, rolls in, and does the Orton pose in the corner, with pink sparkles falling from his body. He then leaps down and stands in the corner. After a few seconds, "Giant Enemy Crab Rave" by iisryan plays, as Giant Enemy Crab slowly lumbers down the aisle, along with CATS.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... accompanied by CATS, from ancient Japan, weighing in at 599 pounds... GIANT ENEMY CRAB!
Dan: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!
Joe: This is trouble for Captain Happyheart! Giant Enemy Crab is one of the most dangerous wrestlers here in FLAW, and he completely decimated Happyheart's clone, Captain Unhappyheart, back in round 1! It remains to be seen if Happyheart can fare better!
*Giant Enemy Crab climbs into the ring and gets in his corner. The Referee signals for the bell.*
Dan: THIS HERE MATCH BE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN *cough cough*
Joe: Giant Enemy Crab immediately runs at Happyheart and levels him with a giant clothesline! Happyheart is flat on his back! Crab walks over to Happyheart and lifts his big foot... but Happyheart lashes out with one of his trademark sweep kicks, knocking his other leg out from under him! Giant Enemy Crab tumbles to the ground! Happyheart leaps back up, and starts stomping on Crab's gut with both feet at once! Up and down, up and down, Happyheart repeatedly leaps on Crab! But Crab grabs both of his legs, stopping his attack!
Dan: COME ON, HAPPYHEART! YOU CAN DO IT! CUT HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!
Joe: Crab stands back up, still holding onto Happyheart's legs! He swings Happyheart around, and tosses him across the ring! Happyheart skids to a stop right before his head hits the turnbuckle! Crab rushes over to Happyheart and drops a big claw right across Happyheart's chest! Happyheart, stunned, rolls out of the ring to recover! But watch out, Happyheart! CATS is rushing at him with a chair!
Dan: NOOOOOOO!!!
Joe: But Happyheart sees the attack, and looks in CATS's direction! CATS drops the chair and begins to back away! Happyheart prepares to go after CATS, but Crab grabs him by the collar, and lifts him back into the ring, one handed! What amazing strength! Crab hoists Happyheart above his head in a gorilla press slam position, and it looks like he's going for Massive Damage! He tosses Happyheart into the air, spinning him like pizza dough! Happyheart spirals down to the mat and SLAMS HARD face first into the canvas!!!
Dan: HOLY SHIT! WHAT PAINFUL PAIN!
Joe: Crab rolls over Happyheart's lifeless body and goes for the cover! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! HAPPYHEART KICKED OUT OF THE MASSIVE DAMAGE! I can't believe it!
Dan: Neither can CATS! It looks like he's freaking out!
Joe: It sure does! Crab doesn't look concerned, though! He lifts Happyheart back to his feet, and begins CHOKING him with that huge claw! This is how he eliminated Captain Unhappyheart in the last round! Happyheart tries his hardest to power out of the grip, but he just isn't strong enough! Happyheart flails around, trying to figure out a way to get out of the hold!
Dan: COME ON! YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!
Joe: It looks like Happyheart is fading fast! The Referee goes over to Happyheart to check on him! Happyheart's turning blue! He could faint at any second! ...But wait! Out from under the ring! It's Captain Unhappyheart, and he's holding a bassoon! He rushes over and cracks the bassoon across Happyheart's back, right in the view of The Referee!
*The bell rings. Giant Enemy Crab drops Happyheart in confusion.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner by disqualification... CAPTAIN HAPPYHEART!
CATS: NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!!!
Joe: Unhappyheart raises Happyheart's arm in the air in victory!
Dan: But why? He attacked Happyheart with that horn thingy!
Joe: It looks like Unhappyheart got Crab DQ'd on purpose, in order to get revenge on Crab and CATS for how they betrayed him in round 1!
Dan: Ohhhh.
CATS: GET THEM, CRAB! GET THEEEEM!!!
Joe: Giant Enemy Crab is attacking the Captains! He rushes at them... but the Captains both kick him in the gut, then drop him with a double DDT! A double Headbreaker, if you will! Now, Happyheart and Unhappyheart both bounce off of opposite ropes, and hit Crab with a The Leg Drop/The Downer fist drop combination! Crab is out cold!
Dan: YAY GOOD GUYS WIN!!!
Joe: Now they're focusing their attention on CATS! CATS sees them staring at him, and smartly runs to back stage! The Captains slip out of the ring and follow after him!
Dan: HAHAHAHAHA!!! CATS IS A SCAREDY CATS! GO GET HIM, GUYS!
Joe: Well, in an interesting development, Unhappyheart got Crab DQ'd, meaning it will be Captain Happyheart moving on to round 3! After the break, the final match of round 3 will occur, as CATS will go one-on-one against Azul Combo! See you soon!
INTERMISSION
(Prerecorded May 4, 2007)
*In the Losers' Lounge. The place is decorated up for Cinco de Mayo. Don Combo is manning the margarita station, passing out margaritas and tacos to all the other wrestlers present.*
Agent BA-2 "J": Hey there, dude! You sure got a great party going on in here.
Don Combo: Si! Mi Cinco de Mayo party ees a beeg heet, mayn! Even Allen O'Neil ees enjoying heemself!
*Allen O'Neil is playing chess with X-Croc.*
X-Croc: Checkmate! I win again!
O'Neil: DAMN IT! I'm gonna win next time! C'MON, BOY!
X-Croc: Alright, we'll play one more time!
*Suddenly, the door busts open, and Giant Enemy Crab stomps into the lounge. All the other wrestlers stop their partying and look at Crab, fearful for their lives.*
Crab: ...
Don Combo: Ahem... quieres una margarita? *holds up a margarita for Crab*
Crab: ...
*Crab stares at Don Combo for a moment, then takes the margarita and gulps it down. After a few seconds, he nods his head in approval. All the other wrestlers cheer, and the party starts back up as Crab joins in the festivities. The view then goes back stage to CATS and David R. Kett.*
David: Hello, everyone! This is David R. Kett, and joining me now is CATS. Now, CATS, just a while ago, Captain Unhappyheart cost Giant Enemy Crab his round 2 match. Does this affect your plans in any way?
CATS: You're damn right it affects my plan! Giant Enemy Crab is unstoppable, and he was mere seconds away from beating Captain Happyheart, but that bastard had to interfere and ruin everything! Now I'm going to have to win the FLAW Championship using my own efforts! AAAAAAAAUGH!!! *pants, and regains his composure* But you know, it'll still be fine. I'm just going to go out there, and put Happyheart's little girlfriend on the Way to Destruction, and then I'll just have to beat two more losers to be on top of the mountain once again!
*Suddenly, Azul comes onto the screen from the side, and stares CATS down.*
Azul: I'll be on the Way to Destruction, will I?
CATS: Damn right!
Azul: Well, by the end of tonight, I'll avenge what you did to Happyheart, and you, my friend... will be on the Way to Salvation.
*Azul smirks and walks back off-screen. CATS, pissed, follows Azul. The view then switches to Joe and Dan.*
Joe: There's plenty of bad blood between these two wrestlers! In the original FLAW, CATS was responsible for cheating Captain Happyheart, Azul's love interest, out of the FLAW Gold Championship. Tonight, Azul will have a chance to defeat CATS and avenge Happyheart's title loss! And that match is happening... NOW!
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a round 2 match of the FLAW Championship Tournament!
*Azul's theme music, "Hummingbird" by Seals and Crofts, plays, and Azul makes her way down the aisle, focused and determined.*
Ring Announcer: Making her way to the ring... from Mexico City, Mexico, weighing in at 115 pounds... the Blue Hummingbird of the South, AZUL COMBO!
*Azul jumps into the ring and wastes no time entering her corner, waiting for CATS. "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" by Laziest Men on Mars plays, and CATS saunters down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: And her opponent... from the deepest reaches of space, weighing in at 246 pounds... CATS!
*CATS angrily throws his cape to the ground and climbs into the ring. He stands in his corner and stares Azul down. The Referee signals for the bell.*
Dan: THIS HERE MATCH BE AAWWNN!!
Joe: CATS and Azul come out of their corner and get face to face with each other, both competitors seething with anger! CATS quickly makes the first move, slapping Azul across the face in an awful show of disrespect! Azul is angry, and she hits CATS with a slap of her own! CATS looks back at Azul, angry, and LEVELS her with a big clothesline! Azul is flat on the ground, and CATS drops a knee right onto Azul's chest!
Dan: That's no way to treat a lady! Even blue ones with feathers!
Joe: CATS continues to soften Azul up with repeated stomps to the sternum! Azul's bones are fragile; I doubt she could take much more of this! CATS finally stops his assault, and points at Dan! He's signalling for the Gentlemen's Elbow!
Dan: THAT'S what he's calling my elbow drop now?!
Joe: Yes, he is! CATS climbs the top rope! He locks his elbow in a 45 degree angle, and he sails through the air... DRIVING THAT ELBOW RIGHT INTO AZUL'S CHEST! Azul coughs up some blood!
Dan: THAT FUCKER!
Joe: CATS hooks the leg! ONE! TWO! But Azul kicks out!! Azul kicked out of the Gentlemen's Elbow! CATS is furious!
Dan: MY MOVE'S HONOR IS SAVED!
Joe: CATS lifts Azul to her feet by her head-feathers, and he goes for another clothesline... but Azul ducks it, and rolls CATS up for a pin! ONE! TWO! But no, CATS kicks out! Both competitors returning to their feet! CATS grabs Azul by the arm, and Irish whips her into the ropes! He tries to hit her with a clothesline, but Azul ducks it and keeps running, bouncing off the opposite ropes! CATS bends over, going for a back body drop, but Azul stops her momentum, grabs CATS's head, and connects with a knee smash to his face!
Dan: HHHow HHHurtful!
Joe: CATS staggers backwards, and Azul rebounds off the ropes again! She runs back at CATS and CONNECTS WITH THE WHIRLYBIRD KICK! WHIRLYBIRD KICK! CATS is out cold! Azul covers! ONE! TWO! THR-NO! CATS KICKED OUT OF AZUL'S FINISHING MOVE!
Dan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Joe: Azul struggles to lift CATS to his feet, but CATS punches her in the gut! He uses the opportunity to lock his arms around her, and jumps, dropping her with a side effect!
Dan: They hit the MAT with HARDINESS!
Joe: Okay, seriously, stop before we get sued.
Dan: Aww, but whyyyyy?!
Joe: Just do what I say, okay?
Dan: Hmph! Fine.
Joe: Azul struggles back to her feet, but she isn't able to recover fast enough, as CATS grabs her head in a bulldog position! He's going for his springboard bulldog, the Way to Destruction!
Dan: NO! HE CAN'T WIN! NO! NO! NO!
Joe: CATS leaps to the ropes, and bounces off... but AZUL PUSHES HIM OFF OF HER IN MIDAIR!
Dan: YES! HE CAN LOSE! YES! YES! YES!
Joe: CATS lands flat on his back, the wind knocked out of him from the sudden counter! Azul is headed for CATS! Azul lifts CATS to his feet, and knees him in the gut, bending him over! Azul locks her arm around his head in a DDT position! She leaps up and bounces off the ropes that are behind her, using the momentum to flip over CATS! She brings CATS down with her, connecting with a devastating springboard flipping neckbreaker!!!
Dan: OH MAH GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD!!!!
Joe: Azul makes the cover! ONE! TWO! THREE!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner by pinfall... AZUL COMBO!
Dan: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe: A MAJOR upset victory here tonight! Azul Combo, the only female in the tournament, used a springboard flipping neckbreaker to gain a clean pinfall victory over the former FLAW Gold Champion, CATS! Azul now joins Mr. Karate, Terrance Beauregard, and Captain Happyheart to round out the final four competitors!
Dan: This is the greatest night in the history of our sport! AND I MEAN IT THIS TIME!
Joe: Join us Wednesday, May 9, as the final four competitors battle it out in two randomized one-on-one matches! The winners of these two fights will battle on Friday, May 11! And the winner of that match will be declared the new FLAW Champion!
Dan: IT'S GONNA KICK ASS!
Joe: Yes, it will! See you then, FLAW fans!