The New FLAW
May 2, 2007
Joe: Welcome to yet another edition of the New FLAW! Today, we begin round 2 of the FLAW Championship Tournament! This tournament has started out with sixteen competitors, but now we're down to just eight: Doriaan McHawk, Terrance Beauregard, Allen O'Neil, Mr. Karate, Giant Enemy Crab, CATS, Azul Combo, and Captain Happyheart! The competition is sure to be kicked up a notch!
Dan: BAM!
Joe: Yes, just like that, Dan! Today, four of those eight wrestlers will compete to advance to round 3 of this 4-round tournament! The wrestlers were matched up randomly by the FLAW Committee, and only they know who will be fighting who! However, they have announced that the wrestler who drew number 1 was none other than the self-proclaimed "Hardcore Motherfucker," Mr. Karate!
Dan: THAT'S MY DADDY!
Joe: Let's join David R. Kett, who is backstage with Mr. Karate right now!
*The view switches to David and Mr. Karate.*
David: Yes, I'm here with Mr. Karate, the man who drew number 1! Now, Mr. Karate...
: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
*Allen O'Neil suddenly runs on-screen and shoulder blocks David, knocking him out. He then holds up a small piece of paper, with the number 2 written on it, and laughs menacingly. Mr. Karate stands there silently, glaring at Allen O'Neil. The view goes back to Joe and Dan.*
Joe: Woah! He could have kept it a secret until the match, but Allen O'Neil has revealed that he was the man who drew number 2! As such, the first match today will be Mr. Karate vs. Allen O'Neil!
Dan: OH MY!
Joe: Both of these fighters are incredibly strong and brutal competitors, and this match is guaranteed to be nothing short of intense!
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a round 2 match of the FLAW Championship Tournament!
*Mr. Karate's theme song, "Hardcore Motherfucker" by Ultraviolence, plays as Mr. Karate strides confidently down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... from Southtown, USA, weighing in at 193 pounds... MISTER KARATE!
*Mr. Karate climbs into the ring, gets into his corner, and crosses his arms, awaiting his opponent. Then, "See You In Hell" by Grim Reaper plays as Allen O'Neil steps out onto the stage and copies Batista's machine gun routine, complete with fireworks. He then walks down the aisle, glaring directly at Mr. Karate the whole way down.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... from the Rebellion Army, weighing in at 285 pounds... ALLEN O'NEIL!
*Allen O'Neil climbs into the ring, gets into his corner, and laughs maniacally as he stares at Mr. Karate. The Referee signals for the bell.*
Dan: THIS HERE MATCH BE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWN!!!
Joe: O'Neil and Karate don't hesitate one bit, as they come out of the bell swinging! They're hitting each other with some of the most powerful blows I've ever seen! Neither man is willing to back down here! But Karate lashes out with a spinning heel kick, hitting O'Neil directly in the face! O'Neil just staggers a bit, though, and quickly regains his balance, leveling Mr. Karate with a devastating clothesline!
Dan: WOOOOOOO!
Joe: You do that for chops, Dan, not clotheslines.
Dan: ...I knew that. Yeah.
Joe: Anyway, O'Neil now grinds his boot into Mr. Karate's masked face! It's a dirty tactic, but it's perfectly legal in FLAW! O'Neil lifts his foot, and starts stamping down hard on Karate's face repeatedly! But wait! As O'Neil stomps down again, Karate grabs O'Neil's ankle and trips him to the ground! Karate quickly crawls onto O'Neil's back and locks in a Boston crab!
Dan: Isn't my daddy a great fighter?
Joe: He sure is, Dan, but don't forget that he was responsible for breaking your leg!
Dan: Well, I know that! But he's still got mad skillz!
Joe: Karate is wrenching hard on O'Neil's legs! This move will put a lot of pressure on someone's lower back! O'Neil could tap out at any moment! BUT NO! Just like he did when he was in the Silver Surfboard, Allen O'Neil BROKE THE HOLD, kicking Mr. Karate clear across the ring in the process! O'Neil then stands back up as if nothing was ever done to him!
Dan: That man is one certified tough SOB!
Joe: Absolutely! O'Neil waits for Mr. Karate to stagger back to his feet, then he charges at Karate! But at the last second, Mr. Karate dodges out of the way, and O'Neil SHOULDER BLOCKS THE REFEREE BY MISTAKE! The Referee is out cold!
Dan: Oh SNAP! Now anything can happen!
Joe: Before Mr. Karate can react, O'Neil charges again, and NAILS him with ANOTHER SHOULDER BLOCK! Mr. Karate is down! O'Neil could capitalize at this moment, but he's leaving the ring! But what is he doing? Wait! He's going for the steel steps! With one hard yank, O'Neil dislodges the steel steps and throws them into the ring! O'Neil rolls back into the ring, and picks up the steel steps! He waits for Mr. Karate to stagger back to his feet! Mr. Karate is back up! Allen O'Neil charges, and SLAMS the ring steps RIGHT INTO MR. KARATE'S FACE!
Dan: NOW THAT IS HAAAAAAAAAAAAARD COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!
Joe: Mr. Karate falls back to the floor! O'Neil hoists the steel steps above his head, and brings them down toward Mr. Karate's head! But at the last second, Mr. Karate rolls out of the way! Karate leaps back onto his feet, and O'Neil continues to go after him! He keeps swinging the steel steps at Karate, but Karate is too fast for him! O'Neil swings the steps one more time, but Karate drops down, hitting O'Neil with a chop block that knocks O'Neil forward, SMASHING HIS FACE ONTO THE STEEL STEPS! O'Neil's face is busted open!
Dan: OH MY GOD HE'S BLEEDING LIKE A STUCK COW!
Joe: O'Neil staggers back to his feet, but Karate is waiting for him! He scoops Allen O'Neil up, and hits him with a MICHINOKU DRIVER RIGHT ON THE STEEL STEPS!!!
Dan: HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT!
Joe: Mr. Karate throws the ring steps back outside, and goes to revive The Referee! The Referee manages to wake up, and crawls over to O'Neil as Mr. Karate makes a cover! With all of his energy, The Referee brings his hand down for the count! ONE! TWO! THR- OH MY GOD! ALLEN O'NEIL! KICKED! OUT!
Dan: WHAT THE HELL?!
Joe: O'Neil tosses Karate off of him, and staggers back up to his feet! Karate also stands up, but O'Neil locks him into a pumphandle position! O'Neil lifts Karate up, and SLAMS HIM DOWN IN A POWERBOMB! GO HOME TO MOMMY! GO HOME TO MOMMY!
Dan: But I'm on the job! My mommy can wait for me!
Joe: Not you; that's the name of O'Neil's finishing move! O'Neil covers, and The Referee goes for the count! ONE! TWO! THR- WHOA! MR. KARATE KICKED OUT OF THE GO HOME TO MOMMY!!! Can anything keep down either of these wrestlers?!
Dan: I dunno.
Joe: GREAT assessment.
Dan: Thanks.
Joe: ...Anyway, O'Neil is clearly pissed off! He grabs The Referee by the collar, and clotheslines him, knocking him unconscious once again! Blatant cheating by O'Neil! But Mr. Karate sneaks up from behind and drops him with a sitout rear mat slam!
Dan: My daddy sure got the EDGE there!
Joe: Mr. Karate sits directly on Allen O'Neil's left thigh, grabs his ankle, and starts wrenching backward on the leg! This is how he broke your leg, Dan!
Dan: Ugh! Don't remind me.
Joe: Allen O'Neil is screaming in pain! He tries to hold out, but he just can't do it, and he starts tapping out! But The Referee is still unconscious! O'Neil can't do anything to stop Karate, and HIS LEG SNAPS IN TWO!
Dan: *shudders*
Joe: Mr. Karate now goes to O'Neil's other leg and does the same thing! O'Neil is screaming and tapping, just like before, but The Referee is still unconscious, and his other leg snaps in two, as well!
Dan: WAAAAAAAAAAAH!! MY DADDY IS MEAN! *sobs uncontrollably*
Joe: O'Neil desperately grabs at Mr. Karate, trying to gain some sort of advantage! But without legs, I don't see how he could win this match! Mr. Karate mounts O'Neil and starts punching him in the face repeatedly! Blood and teeth are flying everywhere! O'Neil is completely helpless as he's beaten into a bloody pulp! Karate stops using punches and starts pounding his face in with powerful axe handles! O'Neil stops moving and goes limp, but Karate keeps on pounding him! COME ON, REF! WAKE UP AND STOP THE MATCH!
Dan: Why is my daddy so violent?! WHY?!?!
Joe: Finally, The Referee wakes up and sees what's happening! He quickly intervenes and stops Mr. Karate's violent assault! He's now checking on O'Neil, who remains completely lifeless! Finally, The Referee goes over and says something to the ring announcer, and signals for the bell!
*The bell rings*
Ring Announcer: We regret to inform you all that, in the course of battle, Allen O'Neil has passed away. As a result, the winner of this match is Mr. Karate.
Dan: ...MY DADDY'S A MURDERER?!
Joe: ...Wow. I cannot believe this. Mr. Karate was so desperate to win the match, that he ended up killing Allen O'Neil in the ring. This...is a real tragedy, and a sad day in FLAW history. Since Allen O'Neil is dead, Mr. Karate will move on to round 3 of the tournament. But, I have to wonder... was it worth it?
Dan: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
Joe: ...We'll go to intermission while the paramedics attend to O'Neil's body. When we come back, we'll have another match of the FLAW Championship Tournament, featuring two more random fighters.
INTERMISSION
*The view is focused on the inside of the Losers' Lounge, where all the wrestlers who have previously lost in the tournament are hanging out at the round table. Suddenly, the door busts open, and Allen O'Neil stomps into the lounge.*
O'Neil: C'MON, BOY!!!
Everyone: ALLEN O'NEIL?!?!
O'Neil: Uh, yeah. What's your problem?
Don Combo: Perdoneme, senor, but, if you do not mind me asking... did you not just... you know... muerda el polvo?
O'Neil: What the HELL did you just say? I don't speak Mexican!
Caliente: Well, he asked what we're all wondering: didn't you die?
O'Neil: BAH! Death has never stopped me before. Why should it now?!
*All the other wrestlers gawk at O'Neil in disbelief, then look around at each other, confused. Finally, they collectively shrug and go back to playing cards.*
O'Neil: HEY! Deal me in, will ya?
*O'Neil sits down to play cards with the other wrestlers in the Losers' Lounge. The view goes back to Joe and Dan at the commentators' table.*
Joe: Well, uh... it appears that Allen O'Neil is alive and well. I'm... more than a little confused, but I guess weirder things have happened.
Dan: Daddy's not a murderer anymore! YAY!!!
Joe: Anyway, it's almost time for the second match of the night! Two more random wrestlers will do battle for the second of four spots in round 3! That match will be after this short break!
INTERMISSION
Joe: Alright, welcome back, everyone! Let's get this match started, so we can find out who will be competing!
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a round 2 match of the FLAW Championship Tournament!
*"Living In A Box" plays over the loudspeakers, as Doriaan McHawk makes his elaborate entrance in his time travelling DeLorean, complete with smoke. The car reaches the ring, and Doriaan McHawk rises from an elevator panel on the top of the car.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... from Leonardo, Massachusetts in the future, weighing in at 250 pounds... DORIAAN MCHAWK!
Joe: Doriaan McHawk has drawn number 3 in round 2! McHawk is a thrilling wrestler who advanced to round 2 after handily beating newcomer BK Punk. He claims he's from the future, and that it's his "density" to win the FLAW Championship! We'll see if his "density" comes closer to fruition tonight!
Dan: Of COURSE he will come closer, because he's travelling at... 88 MILES PER HOUR!!!
*Doriaan McHawk leaps from the top of his car into the ring, and poses in his corner. Then, "Hungry Like The Wolf" by Duran Duran plays over the loudspeakers, as Terrance Beauregard makes his way down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... from Leonardo, Massachusetts, weighing in at 412 pounds... "The Hungry Wolf," TERRANCE BEAUREGARD!
Joe: McHawk's got a formidable opponent in the form of former fighting champion, Terrance Beauregard! In the last round, Beauregard defeated McHawk's former tag team partner, X-Croc, to advance to this round here tonight! Will McHawk be able to avenge his friend's loss, or will Beauregard's defeat of HNC-9000 become complete?
Dan: Time will tell! And time travellers, too!
*Terrance Beauregard climbs into the ring, and gets into his corner, posing for his fans. The two wrestlers gaze at each other, ready for battle, as the bell rings.*
Dan: THIS HERE MATCH BE...
Joe: ...Well....?
Dan: ...Wait for it...
Joe: ...
Dan: ...
Joe: ...Anyway, McHawk starts the match off by-
Dan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
Joe: GOD DAMN IT, DAN!
Dan: Hee hee!
Joe: ...As I was saying, McHawk starts the match off by slapping Beauregard repeatedly with a barrage of back-handed chops!
Dan: ...
Joe: ...I said, "BACK-HANDED CHOPS!"
Dan: ...
Joe: ...This is where you say "Woo."
Dan: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Joe: *sigh* Anyway, McHawk continues to slap Beauregard with those chops! Finally, McHawk grabs Beauregard by the arm, and Irish whips him into the ropes! Beauregard rebounds, and McHawk delivers a fierce DROP KICK right to Beauregard's chest! But the kick barely stumbled the Hungry Wolf! McHawk looks on incredulously, not able to believe that his drop kick did not knock Terrance down! He decides to try another drop kick! This one stumbles Beauregard, and McHawk follows up with a spinning heel kick that knocks Beauregard to the ground! I think this is the first time we've seen Terrance get knocked down!
Dan: I dunno, I haven't been paying attention.
Joe: McHawk decides to go for the pin! ONE! Kick out at one! It's a bit too early for that, now! McHawk gets back up, and drops back down on Terrance with a spinning leg drop! McHawk could go for the cover, but instead hits Beauregard with ANOTHER spinning leg drop! And now McHawk covers! ONE! TWO! And another kick out!
Dan: I don't know if I could have kicked out of that!
Joe: I don't know if you can kick out of anything.
Dan: I can! Really!
Joe: McHawk pulls Terrance back to his feet, and tries to scoop slam him! But Terrance is just too big for McHawk to lift! While McHawk tries to lift him, Beauregard delivers a strong elbow to McHawk's head! McHawk is dazed, and Terrance decides to go for the finish! He tosses his hat into the air, then grabs McHawk by the throat!
Dan: IT'S CHOKE SLAM TIME!
Joe: It looks like it! But no! McHawk regains his composure, and powers out of Beauregard's grip! Then, out of nowhere, he CONNECTS with the SUPERKICK 9000! RIGHT IN THE FACE!
Dan: OH SNAP!
Joe: But Terrance is still standing, yet wobbly! McHawk takes the opportunity to once again go for the scoop slam! He struggles with all his might, and... HE LIFTS TERRANCE BEAUREGARD OFF THE GROUND! AND HE SLAMS HIM HARD ON THE MAT!
Dan: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME!!!
Joe: McHawk, exhausted from that feat of strength, falls on Beauregard for the cover! The Referee counts! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! TERRANCE BEAUREGARD KICKS OUT! He still has some strength left in him after all!
Dan: THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT!
Joe: McHawk is frustrated that he can't put Terrance down for three! But wait, he goes over to the ropes and starts shaking them!
McHawk: IT'S OVER NINE THOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!
Joe: McHawk leaps onto the second rope, then backflips toward Terrance! This is the Over 9000! It looks like he's going to land on Terrance, but NO! TERRANCE ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY! MCHAWK LANDS RIGHT ON HIS FACE!
Dan: OH, ZE PAIN I TELL JOO! ZE PAIN!
Joe: Terrance struggles back to his feet, and grabs the stunned McHawk by the collar! He lifts him up, and... CHOKE SLAM! CHOKE SLAM! CHOKE SLAM! The entire ring shakes from that thunderous choke slam! Terrance covers McHawk, and hooks the leg! ONE! TWO! THR- OH MY GOD!!! DORIAAN MCHAWK KICKED OUT OF THE CHOKE SLAM! NOBODY HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE!
Dan: This is just going back and forth!
Joe: Sure is! Beauregard grabs McHawk by the shirt, and lifts him back up to his feet... but then McHawk assaults him with an incredible barrage of martial arts punches and kicks! Beauregard is not able to counter this assault! Finally, McHawk kicks Beauregard in the midsection, forcing him to bend over! McHawk puts Terrance's head between his legs, and hooks both of his arms! He's going for the DENSITY DROP! It could end right here! But wait! Terrance stands up and BACK BODY DROPS OUT OF THE MOVE! McHawk lands flat on his back!
Dan: Just like your ex-girlfriend!
Joe: ...Who are you talking about?
Dan: ...Nobody. *twiddles thumbs*
Joe: With McHawk on his back, Terrance climbs to the top turnbuckle! He rips his jacket off and throws it into the air!
Terrance: BERRY BOMBAAAAAAAAA!!!
Joe: Whatever Terrance is planning to do, he better do it quick, because McHawk is recovering and standing back up!
Dan: It looks to me like he's waiting for McHawk to stand back up, actually.
Joe: You're right! He waits for McHawk to stand up! McHawk turns around and faces Terrance, who leaps off the turnbuckle with surprising agility, nailing McHawk with a FLYING CROSS BODY! His over four hundred pound body crushes McHawk and forces him to the mat! The Referee goes for the count! ONE! TWO! THREE!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner by pinfall... "The Hungry Wolf," TERRANCE BEAUREGARD!
Joe: Doriaan McHawk put on a good showing here tonight, and tried desperately to pull off a victory, but Terrance proved too strong for him, beating him with a new finishing move! What an amazing contest these two wrestlers put on today!
Dan: I give it the Stamp of Saikyo Approval! *smiles and thumbs-up*
Joe: And with that, Terrance Beauregard will join Mr. Karate as one of the four wrestlers in round 3 of the FLAW Championship Tournament! Tune in on Friday, May 4, where Giant Enemy Crab, CATS, Azul Combo, and Captain Happyheart will compete for the final two spots in round 3! It'll be a great day of wrestling, so be sure to be there! See you then!