The New FLAW
April 27, 2007
Joe: Welcome to another edition of the New FLAW! I'm your play by play commentator, Joe Higashi!
Dan: And I'm Dan Hibiki!
Joe: Once again, we've got a great lineup for you tonight! Round 1 of the FLAW Championship Tournament continues with two more matches! First up is Captain Unhappyheart, the fan-chosen wrestler, in a match against a random opponent! Then, after the break, former FLAW Gold Champion CATS will fight in another match!
Dan: Or maybe he'll be chosen to fight Captain U!
Joe: That's a good point, Dan! Even if someone is scheduled to fight in a later match, there's still a chance they could be randomly chosen for an earlier one! We'll have to see what happens with that. But now, we go backstage with David R. Kett. David?
*The view switches to David R. Kett, standing with Captain Unhappyheart, CATS, and a huge, 7 foot tall humanoid crab creature.*
David: Hello there! I'm backstage, with Captain Unhappyheart, who is scheduled to fight in the next match, as well as his partners, CATS and Giant Enemy Crab.
CATS: That's right! Collectively, the three of us are known as Great Justice, and we shall reclaim our spot at the top of FLAW! I was unjustly stripped of my Gold Championship when the original FLAW went under! But no matter! Now, the three of us have a chance to climb back to the top of the heap! We shall succeed... for GREAT JUSTICE!
David: Unjustly? It was your crazy antics that caused the controversy that brought FLAW under in the first place.
CATS: WHAT?! How dare you speak to me that way! I am the great belonger of all your base! You have no chance to survive make your time!
David: Uh, I'm sorry.
CATS: Yes. You are.
David: Anyway, Captain Unhappyheart, how do you feel about your upcoming match? Do you feel like you're ready for it?
Unhappyheart: *sob* No, I'm not ready for it! I hate fighting! All the beating up and the pain and... and... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! *bursts into tears*
CATS: Hey, don't worry! The Crab and I will be right at ringside to provide you with support, no matter who you end up facing tonight.
David: Mr. CATS, you do realize that interfering in matches will cause a disqualification in the new FLAW, right?
CATS: How dare you imply that I was planning on interfering on Unhappyheart's behalf! We shall merely be there as moral support!
David: If you say so. Anyway, good luck in your matches.
Unhappyheart: *sob* Thanks, David.
*The view goes back to the commentators.*
Joe: Alright! I'd say it's about time for this match to start, wouldn't you?
Dan: You betcha!
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a round 1 match in the FLAW Championship Tournament!
*Captain Unhappyheart's theme song "I Won't Ever Be Happy Again" by Bright Eyes, plays over the loudspeakers, as Captain Unhappyheart hesitantly makes his way down the aisle, CATS and Crab probing him down all the way.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring, accompanied by CATS and Giant Enemy Crab... from Poland, weighing in at 177 pounds... CAPTAIN UNHAPPYHEART!
*Unhappyheart slowly climbs into the ring after much encouragement from CATS. He gets into his corner, dreading the moment his opponent is revealed.*
Joe: Who will the chronically depressed clone battle against today? Will it be Robodile? Don Combo? His own counterpart, Captain Happyheart?
Dan: *shrugs* Dunno.
*Suddenly, "Giant Enemy Crab Rave" by iisryan plays over the loudspeakers. Many people are visibly shocked, no one moreso than Captain Unhappyheart and CATS, who realize what this means.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... from ancient Japan, weighing in at 599 pounds... GIANT ENEMY CRAB!
Dan: WHAT?! Giant Enemy Crab?!
Joe: The interesting nature of randomized matches has pitted two Great Justice members against each other! It's Captain Unhappyheart vs. CATS's personal monster, the Giant Enemy Crab!
Dan: Captain Unhappyheart is fucked!
*Giant Enemy Crab looks at CATS for approval. CATS nods his head, and Crab climbs into the ring, stepping over the ropes. He gets into his corner and stares at Unhappyheart, focused. Unhappyheart literally shits his pants. The Referee, meanwhile, signals for the bell.*
Dan: THIS HERE MATCH BE AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWN!!!
Joe: Giant Enemy Crab stares at Unhappyheart, ready to fight! Unhappyheart slips out the ropes and tries to run away!
CATS: GET HIM, CRAB! BEAT HIS ASS DOWN!
Joe: It appears that CATS has chosen to throw his support to Crab! Crab now, following Unhappyheart outside of the ring! Unhappyheart tries to run, but he's not fast enough! Crab grabs Unhappyheart by the collar and starts dragging him toward the ring!
CATS: Slam him into the steps! SLAM HIM!
Joe: Crab does as CATS orders, and flings Unhappyheart into the steel steps! Such power!
Dan: Holy crap!
Joe: Crab picks Unhappyheart up above his head, and tosses him back into the ring! Unhappyheart sees Crab following him in, and tries desperately to crawl away! This is just pitiful!
CATS: Stomp him! STOMP HIM TO BITS!
Joe: Giant Enemy Crab is now hammering Unhappyheart with ferocious stomps, using that huge, shelled foot of his! Stomp after stomp after stomp! Unhappyheart is beginning to cry! Giant Enemy Crab stops his assault for a moment, and now Unhappyheart is pleading to The Referee! It looks like he desperately wants out of this match!
CATS: No! Don't let him quit, Crab! CHOKE HIM OUT!
Joe: Crab wraps his big red claw around Unhappyheart's throat and begins choking the life out of him!
Dan: OH, COME ON! He was about to quit! CATS and Crab are big meanies!
Joe: I concur, Dan! Unhappyheart is trying to fight to get out of his grip, but it's no use! The choke hold is too strong for Unhappyheart to break out of! He's losing air!
CATS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Dan: How can he be this heartless to his own friend?! IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR FRIENDS, CATS?!
CATS: YOU SHUT UP, DAN HIBIKI! I AM SICK OF YOUR CRAP!
Dan: Well I'M tired of your dirty tricks and stuff!
CATS: Get bent! *turns back toward the match*
Dan: HEY!!
Joe: Calm down, Dan! We have a match to commentate!
*The bell rings.*
Dan: No, we don't.
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner by submission... GIANT ENEMY CRAB!
Joe: It looks like Unhappyheart succumbed to the choke and passed out! The Referee had no choice but to call this match in Crab's favor!
Dan: Aww! Those meanies don't deserve to advance!
Joe: Well, Giant Enemy Crab did dominate his opponent, and managed to beat him within the rules of the match, so I have to give him some credit.
Dan: Well, I don't!
Joe: Fair enough.
CATS: AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! GREAT JOB, GIANT ENEMY CRAB! NOW LET'S TAKE OUT THE TRASH!
Joe: Wait! Giant Enemy Crab is scooping up Unhappyheart's unconscious body! He and CATS are taking Unhappyheart to the back! What's going on here?!
Dan: I don't know, but I DO know that... THEY SUCK!
Joe: Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have to take a break! However, we'll try to get a camera man to follow CATS and Crab, and hopefully we'll have some footage of what they're up to after the break! See you then!
INTERMISSION
Joe: We're back, with footage of what CATS and Giant Enemy Crab did to poor ol' Captain Unhappyheart after their match!
Dan: ROLL THAT BEAUTIFUL BEAN FOOTAGE!!!
*The view changes to Giant Enemy Crab dragging Unhappyheart through the hallways back stage, with CATS right behind him. They eventually reach a door labeled "Losers' Lounge."*
CATS: THROW HIM IN THE LOSERS' LOUNGE! *looks at the barely conscious Unhappyheart* Because that's what you are! A LOSER! Chuck him in there!
*Giant Enemy Crab shoves the door open. Inside is a sparsely decorated lounge. X-Croc, Mars People, Senor Caliente, and BK Punk are playing poker at the round table in the center of the room. Crab violently tosses Unhappyheart's limp body into the lounge, then slams the door. Crab and CATS walk away from the door, with CATS laughing all the way. The view then switches to David R. Kett, who is standing beside CATS and Giant Enemy Crab.*
David: I'm here now, live, with CATS and Giant Enemy Crab. CATS, why did you decide to betray Captain Unhappyheart, after he helped you win the FLAW Gold Championship?
CATS: Well, David, my original plan was to have the three of us advance as far into the tournament as possible, to increase my chances of winning the FLAW Championship. But, when they announced Unhappyheart vs. Crab as a round 1 match, I realized that I had to make a choice: to put my support behind this seven foot tall, nearly six hundred pound monster, or a crybaby who has never won a match in his life. I decided that Unhappyheart was of no further use to me, and that I had to sever the dead weight.
David: Calling your friend "dead weight" seems awfully cruel.
CATS: That is all he was! Unhappyheart was never my friend! He was always just a tool, a pawn for me to use to advance my own goals. I have no further use for him, so I dropped him. It's as simple as that.
David: Okay, then. CATS, as you know, your match is coming up very soon. There are five people left who could be chosen as your opponent: Captain Happyheart, Don Combo, Azul Combo, Robodile, and Agent BA-2 "J." Are you worried you might not get the job done, especially since Happyheart and Robodile have both defeated you in the past?
CATS: Oh, David, David, David. You seem to be forgetting that I have pinfall victories over Happyheart and Robodile as well! There is nobody left in this tournament who can pose a threat to me!
David: Well, actually, you never pinned Happyheart. You pinned Unhappyheart in disguise...
*CATS slaps David across the face.*
CATS: Do NOT try to change history, here! I beat Happyheart, and that is that! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a match to fight.
*David looks on, silently, as CATS and Giant Enemy Crab walk away. The view switches back to Joe and Dan.*
Dan: Ooooh, that CATS guy is so mean! I hate him hate him hate him HATE him!!!
Joe: Calm down, Dan. If you hate him so much, boo him in this upcoming match. I wouldn't blame you for doing so.
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a round 1 match in the FLAW Championship Tournament!
*CATS's theme song, "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" by the Laziest Men on Mars, plays over the loudspeaker as CATS makes his way down the aisle, followed by the Giant Enemy Crab.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... accompanied by Giant Enemy Crab, from the farthest reaches of space, weighing in at 246 pounds... CATS!
Dan: BOOOO!!! YOU'RE SO BAD, YOU SUCK! YOU'RE SO FUCKING SUCK, YOU FUCK!
*CATS glares at Dan as Giant Enemy Crab takes CATS's cape off for him. CATS climbs into the ring and gets in his corner, awaiting his opponent.*
Joe: Blah blah blah who is his opponent blah blah you've heard this before, folks!
*"Jumpin' Jack Flash" plays over the loudspeakers, as Agent BA-2 "J" dances out onto the stage, accompanied by his fellow Agents, BA-3 "Morris" and BA-4 "Derek." Morris and Derek dance along with J as he makes his way down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... from the EBA Headquarters, weighing in at 186 pounds... AGENT BA-2 "J!"
Joe: It's J! J is one of the Elite Beat Agents, an elite squad of dancers that motivate people to solve their problems through the power of song and dance!
Dan: Sounds like my kind of guy!
Joe: We've never seen J fight here in FLAW before! It'll be interesting to see how he'll fare against the former FLAW Gold Champion!
*J climbs into the ring, dances in the ring a bit, then goes to his corner. The Referee signals for the bell.*
Dan: THIS HERE MATCH BE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe: Okay, that's getting obnoxious.
Dan: Get over it.
Joe: CATS starts the match out by running at J with a clothesline! But J bends backwards like a limbo player to avoid it! CATS bounces off the ropes, and tries another clothesline, but J drops to the floor and avoids that one, too! CATS bounces off AGAIN! J drops to the floor to avoid the clothesline, but CATS stops moving and stomps on J ferociously! J takes a few stomps, but then rolls out of the way! J bounces off the ropes and NAILS CATS with an enzuigiri, knocking him to the mat!
Dan: YEAH!!! KILL HIM!!!
Joe: J sees that CATS is knocked out on the ground, and takes the time to do a little bit of dancing for the audience! What the hell are you doing, J?!
Dan: He really knows how to show off, like a true Saikyo warrior!
Joe: Finally, J climbs the turnbuckle! Standing on the top turnbuckle, he jumps forward, while flipping backward! It looks like he's going for a shooting star press, but he keeps flipping, so his back is facing downward! It's a SHOOTING STAR SENTON! SHOOTING STAR SENTON!
Dan: YES!!!
Joe: But CATS rolls out of the way!
Dan: NO!!!
Joe: J lands HARD on his back, knocking the wind out of him! CATS stands up, with an arrogant smirk on his face! That bastard! Wait! Dan, he's pointing at YOU!
Dan: Why me?!
Joe: I don't know, but he points at Dan, and then points at his elbow! CATS climbs up the turnbuckle, and jumps through the air, making Dan's taunting gesture with his arm! He then adjusts his body, turning the taunt into a DEVASTATING ELBOW DROP TO J'S STERNUM!
Dan: HE STOLE MY FINISHING MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe: Yes, it looks like CATS just did the Taunter's Elbow, and drove it straight into J's chest! What a devastating maneuver! CATS makes the cover! ONE! TWO! THREE! That's it! It's over!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner by pinfall... CATS!
Dan: WHY!!!!!!! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO LOSE!!!!!!!
Joe: J's inexperience showed in this match! He went for a high-risk maneuver way too early in the match, and ended up knocking the wind out of himself! CATS capitalized with a Taunter's Elbow for the quick win!
Dan: I HATE IT! IT SUCKS FUCK FROM A DUCK!
Joe: That's okay, Dan. Don't get too upset. He might lose next round.
Dan: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Joe: Now, CATS joins Doriaan McHawk, Terrance Beauregard, Allen O'Neil, Mr. Karate, and Giant Enemy Crab in round 2! There are four more wrestlers left, but only two can advance to round 2 of this tournament! Tune in next time, as we watch Captain Happyheart, Don Combo, Azul Combo, and Robodile battle it out, in the last two matches of round 1! Those matches will air this upcoming Monday, April 30! See you then!
Dan: Hey wait! What about the interactive aspect?
Joe: Oh yeah! Since there are only four wrestlers left, and all of them are guaranteed to fight
on Monday's show, we will be taking just ONE fan request! The wrestler requested by the fan will compete in the first match of Monday's show!
Dan: Yay! Fun times!
Joe: So fans, try to be the first to get your request in! We'll see you next time, on the New FLAW!
Dan: Bye!