The New FLAW
April 25, 2007
Joe: Welcome to a surprise episode of the New FLAW! For the first time ever, we've got great FLAW programming on Wednesday! I'm your play by play commentator, Joe Higashi, and joining me is my good friend, the color commentator, Dan Hibiki!
Dan: Yoyutchi!
Joe: Today, we've got two more round 1 matches in the FLAW Championship Tournament! First up is an exciting match featuring former FLAW Silver Champion Mars People, who was chosen by fan request! He will be fighting against a random fighter for the third spot in round 2 of the tournament!
Dan: Yay for octopuses! Woo! Woo!
Joe: Then later, after the break, we will have one more match, featuring another fan-requested wrestler, Mr. Karate!
Dan: I can't wait to see who Daddy will fight!
Joe: Me neither, Dan! But now, it's time for the first match of the night!
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a round 1 match of the FLAW Championship Tournament!
*Mars People's theme song, "Intergalactic" by the Beastie Boys, plays over the loudspeakers as Mars People, wearing a red backwards baseball cap, breakdances down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... from the planet Mars, weighing in at 94 pounds... "The Tentacle Rap Monster," MARS PEOPLE!
Dan: Tentacle Rap Monster?
Joe: From what I've been told, Mars People's been hanging around Robodile lately, who has taught him to appreciate rap and hip hop music. Mars People has become such a big fan of it, he's decided to start going by the nickname of the Tentacle Rap Monster.
Dan: Wow. Weird.
*Mars People rolls into the ring, and spins on his head for a few seconds before getting into his corner.*
Joe: Now, it's time for us to find out who Mars People's opponent is!
Dan: Oh boy oh boy oh boy!
*"See You In Hell" by Grim Reaper plays over the loudspeakers, as Allen O'Neil stomps out onto the stage. He copies Batista's machine gun firing action before walking down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... from the Rebellion Army, weighing in at 285 pounds... ALLEN O'NEIL!
Joe: It's Allen O'Neil, the enforcer of General Morden, leader of the Rebellion Army! The Rebellion Army had previously made an alliance with the Mars aliens, and was betrayed, so it would make sense that O'Neil would want to exact some vengeance here tonight!
Dan: He looks big and scary! I hope Mars People can pull through!
Joe: Well, Mars People is no pushover. Remember, he was the first person to win the FLAW Silver Championship in the old FLAW!
Dan: Good point. Well, I'll be rooting for him!
*Allen O'Neil climbs into the ring, gets into his corner, and stares Mars People down. The Referee signals for the bell.*
Dan: This here match be AAAAAAWN!!!
Joe: O'Neil is still staring down Mars People! Mars looks hesitant to attack! But O'Neil isn't! He rushes forward and catches Mars off guard with a shoulder block! Mars rolls with the blow and quickly get back up, assaulting O'Neil with stinging tentacle slaps! O'Neil does his best to defend himself, but the movement of the tentacles is too erratic! Mars manages to back O'Neil into the corner! I did not expect him to be able to press the offense in this match!
Dan: Honestly, I didn't either! I thought O'Neil would overpower Mars early on. But it just goes to show the POWER OF OCTOPUSES!!!
Joe: Mars People isn't an octopus, but whatever. Mars backs up, rolls into a ball, and rolls directly at O'Neil! He leaps in mid-roll and hits O'Neil right in the chest with a vicious headbutt! O'Neil stumbles out of the corner, reeling from the attack!
Dan: This is your chance, MP! GO GO GO GO GO!
Joe: Mars People dives to the ground and grabs O'Neil's leg, trying to trip him! But O'Neil won't fall! O'Neil uses his free leg and assaults Mars People with vicious stomps! Mars People's grip is weakening!
Dan: NOOOO!! You can do it, MP!
Joe: O'Neil reaches down, and forcefully pulls Mars People's tentacles off his leg! He's lifting Mars up, and he SMASHES him with a RUNNING POWERSLAM! Mars People is out of it! O'Neil covers! ONE! TWO! But no! Mars People is able to kick out!
Dan: I thought Mars People couldn't be pinned, Joe!
Joe: In the old FLAW, he couldn't. But under the new FLAW's rules, the back of Mars People's head has been ruled to be equivalent to a normal person's shoulders. So now, he can be pinned. It's only fair for all the competitors to be subject to the same rules.
Dan: Eh, I guess so. It's too bad for MP, though.
Joe: O'Neil, frustrated at the two count, reaches down for Mars People's tentacles! But Mars grabs his leg and trips him, sending him face down into the mat! He grabs all of O'Neil's limbs, and stands on his head, forcing O'Neil into the SILVER SURFBOARD! SILVER SURFBOARD!
Dan: YEEEES! Mars People's got this match won!
Joe: But wait! O'Neil is struggling, and flexing every muscle in his body! And with one vicious jerk of his arms, he BREAKS OUT OF THE HOLD!
Dan: WHAT THE HELL! Not even Robodile could do that, and he's strong as shit!
Joe: O'Neil is truly an incredibly strong man! He gets back to his feet, and devastates Mars People with a body splash! Mars People is dazed! O'Neil forces Mars People back up, and gets him into a pumphandle position! He lifts Mars People up into the air, and SLAMS him down with a DEVASTATING POWERBOMB!
Dan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Joe: That pumphandle powerbomb is his trademark technique, the "Go Home to Mommy!" O'Neil covers! ONE! TWO! THREE!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner by pinfall... ALLEN O'NEIL!
Dan: GOD DAMN IT! How can this be?!
Joe: Mars People put up a valiant fight, but Allen O'Neil was ultimately able to overpower him, and stole the win here today! He joins Terrance Beauregard and Doriaan McHawk as the third person to advance to Round 2, and Mars People is eliminated from the tournament!
Dan: Man, that's really too bad! Mars People is a fan favorite in FLAW!
Joe: Well, sometimes, things just don't go the way the fans want them to. But, this show isn't over! After the break, Mr. Karate will have his round 1 match against another random opponent! Stay tuned, fans!
INTERMISSION
David: Welcome back to the New FLAW! I'm here now with one of the competitors in the next match, Mr. Karate. Now, Mr. Karate, as you know, you were chosen by the fans to compete in this match. In the last three matches, the person requested by the fans has lost every time. Does that make you at all nervous?
Mr. Karate: Nervous? Let me tell you something, Mr. Kett. I don't believe in superstition, or bad luck, or any of that crap. The only thing I believe in is my own power, and I know that I have enough of it to win not only this next match, but the entire tournament. By the end of this tournament, I will show you and all the weaklings at home what Mr. Karate is really made of!
David: Well, okay. Now, Mr. Karate, I have one more question for you. Which person...
???: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
*Allen O'Neil charges in from the side of the screen and shoulder blocks David, sending him off camera and onto the ground. O'Neil then looks Mr. Karate right in the eyes.*
O'Neil: See YOU in hell.
Mr. Karate: I look forward to it.
*O'Neil walks off camera. The view then switches back to Joe and Dan.*
Joe: Don't worry, fans! We've got plenty of medics back stage, and they'll make sure that David R. Kett is okay! But now, we've got the fourth of eight matches in round 1 of the FLAW Championship Tournament! Mr. Karate will fight one on one against one of the nine other competitors who have yet to fight!
Dan: I hope Daddy loses! He's an abusive meanie!
Joe: That's right, he broke your leg, didn't he?
Dan: Yeah, that jerk! He doesn't respect my Saikyo power, so WHY should I respect him?!
Joe: That's a good point, Dan. Mr. Karate is a very ferocious fighter, willing to do anything he can to devastate his opponents. We'll have to see if he can do that tonight.
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a round 1 match of the FLAW Championship Tournament!
*Mr. Karate's theme song, "Hardcore Motherfucker" by Ultraviolence, plays over the loudspeakers, and Mr. Karate walks slowly to the ring, fists clenched and arms rigid at his sides.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... from Southtown, USA, weighing in at 193 pounds... MISTER KARATE!
*Mr. Karate climbs into the ring and stands in his corner, stoic and silent.*
Joe: Now, Dan, who do you think his opponent is?
Dan: I DON'T KNOW!!!
Joe: Me neither.
Dan: AND YOUR T-SHIRTS ARE TOO TIGHT TOO, BILLY!!!
Joe: ...uh...what...?
*"Caliente" by Los Pericos plays over the loudspeakers, and the ladies go crazy as Senor Caliente makes his way down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... from Barcelona, Spain, weighing in at 275 pounds... SENOR CALIENTE!
Joe: It's Senor Caliente! The former member of the Amigos of Glory is making his singles debut here tonight! Listen to how much the women adore him! And it's no wonder why! His well-toned, chiseled body and curly blonde hair are the envy of men everywhere!
Dan: Psh. I'm hotter than he is.
*Senor Caliente goes to slide in the ring, but then remembers what happened last time, and takes the time to carefully climb through the ropes. However, his shirt gets caught on a rope and rips off as he climbs through. The ladies shriek in joy. Senor Caliente sees what happened, shakes his head in disdain, and goes into his corner. The Referee signals for the bell.*
Dan: THIS HERE MATCH BE AAAAAAAAAAAAWN!!!
Joe: Is that a new catch phrase of yours?
Dan: Yeah, you like it?
Joe: It's alright.
Dan: What are you talking about?! It's badass as all hell!
Joe: If you say so, Dan.
Dan: Dude! It totally is!
Joe: Oh crap, we're missing the match! Ladies and gentlemen, the match started with a flurry of martial arts blows, and they're continuing with that now! Punches, kicks, and chops non-stop between these two talented martial artists! I expected a more strategic battle, but these two are just having an all-out brawl! Caliente, being the bigger, stronger man, gains the advantage, and Irish whips Karate into the ropes! As Karate bounces back, Caliente levels him with a DEVASTATING LARIAT!
Dan: LARIATOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Joe: Mr. Karate is grounded! Caliente follows up with a stomp, but Karate rolls out of the way and leaps back onto his feet! Mr. Karate bounces off the ropes, and heads straight for Caliente! Caliente tries another lariat, but Karate ducks it and keeps going! He rebounds off the ropes, and leaps high into the air, hitting Caliente with an awesome SHIN TO THE FACE! Caliente crashes to the ground! Karate presses his advantage, nailing Caliente with repeated elbow drops! Three in a row! He goes for the cover! ONE! TWO! Caliente kicks out at two!
Dan: Kick out with your dick out!
Joe: Karate drags Caliente back to his feet, and starts hammering him with punches to the midsection! He finishes the combination with a flying Koho uppercut! But Caliente is still standing! Caliente staggers, but regains his balance and SLAMS into Karate with a Polish hammer! Karate hits the ground, but rolls back to his feet! He rushes at Caliente and goes for an STO, but Caliente wraps his arm around Karate's neck and counters with a DDT!
Dan: RIGHT ON THE HEAD!!!
Joe: Caliente is signaling for the end! I think he's going to go for the Caliente Crash! He drags Karate onto his feet, and hoists him up in a torture rack position! He is! He's going for the Caliente Crash! Watch this, Dan! He flips Karate over to go for the facebuster part of the move, but KARATE COUNTERS INTO A DDT OF HIS OWN!
Dan: OH MAH GAAAAAAAAWD!!!
Joe: Karate drags Caliente back into his feet, and holds him by the hair! Look into Caliente's eyes; I don't think he knows where he is!
Dan: I don't either!
Joe: Karate lifts his knee up, and starts smashing Caliente's face into his knee repeatedly! Time after time after time! This is truly brutal! Caliente's face is busted wide open! Karate finally stops smashing Caliente's face after about a dozen times! He picks Caliente up in a scoop slam position, then turns him over and drops to a sitting position, SLAMMING HIM RIGHT ON HIS HEAD! MICHINOKU DRIVER! MICHINOKU DRIVER!
Dan: I heard you the first time, Joe!
Joe: Mr. Karate goes for the cover! ONE! TWO! THREE!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner by pinfall... MISTER KARATE!
Joe: Although I don't approve of his brutality, Mr. Karate got the job done here today! He is going to join Doriaan McHawk, Terrance Beauregard, and Allen O'Neil in the second round of the competition! Four have advanced, and there's four more spots available in the round 2 lineup!
Dan: This is the greatest night in the history of our sport!
Joe: We'll have another episode ready for you Friday, April 27, where two more round 1 matches will take place! Then, on Monday, April 30, the last two matches of round 1 will occur, and then we'll finally know who the eight competitors in round 2 will be!
Dan: Wow! So exciting, Joe!
Joe: It sure is! And don't forget, fans! It's up to YOU to request who fights in the next episode! You can request either CATS, Captain Happyheart, Don Combo, Azul Combo, Giant Enemy Crab, Agent BA-2 "J", Robodile, or Captain Unhappyheart!
Dan: Ooh! Ooh! Can I make a request?
Joe: No you may not! That's the fans' responsibility!
Dan: Awww!
Joe: Anyway, we'll see you next time on the New FLAW! Goodbye, everybody!