The New FLAW
June 14, 2007
Joe: Welcome back to another edition of the New FLAW!
Dan: YAHOOIE! We're back!
Joe: We apologize for our extended leave of absence. Now that we're back, we will bombard you with an incredible display of wrestling fun! Today, we will have the long-awaited Fatal Four Way match between Allen O'Neil, Doriaan McHawk, Giant Enemy Crab, and CATS! The winner will go on to fight in the number 1 contender's Fatal Four Way match next week!
: Woah woah woah woah WOAH! Hang on a second, guys!
*CATS comes out from the back room with a microphone and a contract.*
Joe: What's going on here, CATS?
CATS: Well, I'll have you know that I went straight to the Committee myself, and pled my case! Being the last FLAW Champion before its restructuring, I never got a rematch for my title!
Dan: What's your point, ya poopy-head?!
CATS: Obviously, I am more deserving of the fourth spot in the number 1 contender's match than any of the other guys in my match! The Committee agreed, and decided to grant me the fourth spot in the match!
Joe: Let me see that!
CATS: Of course, Mr. Higashi.
*CATS hands Joe the contract. Joe reads it for a few minutes before speaking again.*
Joe: ...Well, this looks pretty official.
Dan: WHAT!!!
Joe: This is a one hundred percent authentic contract, granting CATS the fourth spot in the match, just as he said.
Dan: THAT'S BULLSHIT!
Joe: Because of this change of plans, the number 1 contender's match is being moved to tonight! The winner of this match will get a title shot against the FLAW World Champion of the World, Mr. Karate, next week!
*CATS grabs the contract from Joe, smirks, takes his cape off, and enters the ring without a word. He whispers something to King while showing her the contract. King nods, and CATS gets into his corner.*
King: The following match is a Fatal Four Way match, the winner of which will earn a shot at the FLAW World Championship of the World! Introducing first, from the deepest reaches of space, weighing in at 246 pounds... CATS!
Dan: I hate that man. That's all I have to say.
Joe: Okay then.
*CATS flourishes extravagantly. Then, Azul Combo's theme song, "Hummingbird" by Seals and Crofts, plays as Azul runs down the aisle and into the ring.*
King: From Mexico City, Mexico, weighing in at 115 pounds, the Hummingbird of the South... AZUL COMBO!
Joe: Azul Combo is not to be underestimated! She made it to the semifinals in the FLAW Championship Tournament by defeating former FLAW Champion, CATS! However, in the next round, she was intimidated and annihilated by Mr. Karate. She might be able to win this match, but will she be able to win the title?
Dan: I DON'T KNOW!!!
*Azul gets into her corner. CATS glares at her angrily. Then, Terrance Beauregard's theme song, "Hungry Like The Wolf" by Duran Duran, plays as Terrance rides to the ring on his pizza delivery motor scooter.*
King: From Leonardo, Massachusetts, weighing in at 412 pounds, the Hungry Wolf... TERRANCE BEAUREGARD!
Joe: Terrance Beauregard has a good shot of winning this match! He was the runner up in the FLAW Championship Tournament, and defeated Captain Happyheart in that tournament!
Dan: Eh, he's cool and all, but he won't win.
*Terrance gets in the ring, goes to his corner, and shouts "OKAY!!" to the audience. Then, Captain Happyheart's new theme song, "All Time Lows" by Hellogoodbye, plays over the loudspeaker while Captain Happyheart skips down the aisle.*
King: From Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, weighing in at 176 pounds... CAPTAIN HAPPYHEART!
Dan: THIS is the guy that's going to win!
Joe: He's got a great shot at winning, Dan. Captain Happyheart was the very first FLAW Champion, and could very well reach the top once again! However, he's been beaten by Terrance Beauregard before, and the other two fighters aren't to be underestimated, either!
Dan: He'll win. Just wait and see.
*Happyheart leaps into the ring, climbs the turnbuckle in his corner, and Orton-poses while pink sparkles fall from his body. He then leaps down and waits in his corner. The Referee signals for the bell.*
Dan: THIS HERE MATCH BE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
Joe: CATS wastes no time at the opening bell, immediately going after Azul Combo! It seems he wants revenge for the loss he suffered at her hands in the tournament! CATS goes after Azul with lefts and rights, as Azul tries frantically to dodge them! Azul counters with a knee to CATS's stomach! CATS staggers backwards in pain!
Dan: Hey dude, the other two guys are doing something, too!
Joe: You're right! Happyheart and Beauregard have decided to face off against each other, while CATS and Azul go at it! Happyheart and Beauregard trade punches with each other, but Beauregard's greater size and strength are giving him the advantage, as he connects with three right hands in a row! Beauregard then grabs Happyheart's wrist and whips him into the ropes! But on the way back, Captain Happyheart hits a BIG drop kick to Beauregard's face! Beauregard stumbles, so Happyheart follows up with one of his trademark sweep kicks! Terrance Beauregard lands flat on his back!
Dan: YAY!!! GO CAPTAIN HAPPYHEART YOU ARE THE MAN WOOT WOOT WOOT~!
Joe: Happyheart poses, signaling for The Leg Drop! He bounces off the ropes, comes back to Beauregard, and does his The Leg Drop... AND MISSES! TERRANCE BEAUREGARD ROLLED OUT OF THE WAY OF THE LEG DROP!
Dan: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Joe: Beauregard gets to his knees and gets behind the recovering Happyheart, locking him in an Orton-style chinlock! Beauregard wrenches on Happyheart's head with all of his 400 plus pounds of power! Will Happyheart tap out?
Dan: Joe! Look!
Joe: Oh my gosh! While The Referee is busy watching Beauregard's submission hold, Giant Enemy Crab has emerged from under the ring! Giant Enemy Crab is targeting Azul Combo, who currently has CATS backed into the corner! Crab forcefully grabs Azul by the head-feathers and YANKS her out of the corner!
Dan: NO NO NO NOT FAIR!
Joe: Giant Enemy Crab is dragging Azul out of the ring! While holding her head-feathers with one claw, he repeatedly bashes the other across her face! Azul is bleeding! Oh my God, stop this, now!
Dan: Oh, poor Azul! I wish I could do something, but my status as commentator means that all I can do is sit here and talk about it!
Joe: Crab is now lifting Azul's limp body above his head in a gorilla press slam position! No, Crab! Don't do this! NO!
Dan: AAAAAAARGH!
Joe: Sorry folks! Crab just brutally slammed Azul through our announcer's table! He didn't even take the time to "prep" it by removing the TVs or anything! Paramedics, get over here!
Dan: Poor, poor girl... sob...
Joe: The paramedics are now taking Azul's battered form away on a stretcher. Thanks to the interfering of Giant Enemy Crab, this match has basically become a triple threat match! CATS is gloating as Azul is carted away and Crab returns under the ring!
Dan: The Referee didn't even see any of that! That is so totally crappy!
Joe: The Referee is still monitoring Beauregard's chinlock! Happyheart is raising his hand; it looks like he might be about to tap out! But no! CATS rushes over and kicks Beauregard in the face, breaking his hold! CATS then leaps onto Happyheart for a pin! ONE! TWO! But no, Captain Happyheart kicks out at two!
Dan: YAY!
Joe: CATS drags Happyheart to his feet, and slaps him across the face in a show of complete disrespect! But Happyheart just smiles, and slaps CATS back! CATS is furious, and he slaps Happyheart again! They're taking turns slapping each other!
Dan: This match has turned into a sissy slap-fest!
Joe: You could say that! But no! While they're fighting, Terrance Beauregard ran over and hit Happyheart with his devastating Baahn Knackoo! Happyheart flies out of the ring and onto the hard floor outside!
Dan: Nooooooooo!
Joe: Now it's just Beauregard and CATS in the ring! CATS bounces off the ropes and hits Beauregard with a clothesline, but as usual, Beauregard barely budges! CATS runs and goes for another clothesline, but runs RIGHT INTO TERRANCE BEAUREGARD'S OUTSTRETCHED HAND! Beauregard lifts CATS high into the air, and... CHOKESLAM! TERRANCE BEAUREGARD SLAMS CATS DOWN WITH ONE OF HIS POWERFUL CHOKESLAMS!
Dan: YES! Take THAT, you piece of space-poo!
Joe: Beauregard goes for the cover! ONE! TWO! THR-What? Terrance Beauregard got off of CATS! It seems like he's not done with him yet!
Dan: STUPID STUPID STUPID!
Joe: Beauregard has climbed the turnbuckle, and is now throwing his jacket into the air! We know what this means; he's signalling for the Belly Bomber! BUT WAIT! Captain Happyheart has come up from behind him, and PUSHED BEAUREGARD OFF OF THE TURNBUCKLE! Terrance Beauregard's massive 400 pound frame crashes into the mat, right next to CATS! And now Captain Happyheart is climbing the turnbuckle himself! Happyheart is posing, signaling for the Very Merry Moonsault!
Dan: YEAH! GO GO GO GO GO!
Joe: And there he goes! Happyheart flips through the air with a clumsy sort of gracefulness, and LANDS RIGHT ACROSS BOTH BEAUREGARD AND CATS! BOTH MEN ARE OUT COLD ON THE MAT! Happyheart quickly recovers, and covers CATS! ONE! TWO! THREE!
*The bell rings.*
King: Here is your winner... CAPTAIN HAPPYHEART!
Dan: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!
*Suddenly, Mr. Karate's theme music comes on, and Mr. Karate comes out onto the stage, wearing his title belt. He points at Happyheart, then makes a thumbs-down motion. Happyheart responds by pointing at Karate's belt, then motioning to his own waist.*
Joe: The lines are drawn here tonight! Captain Happyheart wants Mr. Karate's championship belt, and Mr. Karate just wants to take Happyheart down! Who will prevail? Find out next Monday, when Mr. Karate defends the FLAW World Championship of the World against our new number 1 contender, Captain Happyheart! See you then!
FLAW News
Azul Combo Injured
June 15, 2007
After her brutal assault by Giant Enemy Crab, Azul Combo has been admitted into the local hospital facility. Her physician, Dr. Smith, diagnosed Combo with a concussion and a skull fracture. As a result, Azul Combo will have to take time off to rehabilitate her injuries. There is no current time table for Combo's return.
We wish Azul Combo a speedy recovery.
FLAW News
Amigos of Glory Seek Revenge
June 16, 2007
Upon the news of Azul Combo's injury at the hands of Giant Enemy Crab, the Amigos of Glory, Don Combo and Senor Ignacio Caliente, were furious.
"I swear upon mis cervezas dat I weel avenge mi daughter!" the normally relaxed Don Combo fumed. "CATS y Giant Enemy Crab weel have no chance to survive, mayn! They can make their time, as CATS would say!"
Caliente was similarly angry. "For too long, Great Justice has acted like they own FLAW. And now, by injuring Azul and putting her out of commission, they have gone too far!" Caliente yelled, ripping his shirt off in anger. "It's time for Don Combo and me to stop their reign of terror NOW!"
In order to prevent a deadly confrontation, the FLAW Committee has decided to let the Amigos of Glory get their revenge in the ring next Monday. As a result, Captain Happyheart's title match against FLAW Champion Mr. Karate is being pushed back to Wednesday.
Therefore, the schedule for next week is as follows:
Monday, June 18
Tag Team Match
Amigos of Glory (Don Combo and Senor Caliente) vs. Great Justice (CATS and Giant Enemy Crab)
Wednesday, June 20
Singles Match for the FLAW World Championship of the World
Mr. Karate (c) vs. Captain Happyheart