The New FLAW
May 29, 2007
Joe: Welcome once again to the New FLAW! It's great to be back after a one week hiatus. Don't you agree, Dan?
Dan: Absolutely! I'm psyched that my dad is the champion, and I can't wait to see him defend the title!
Joe: Well, you'll have to wait a bit longer for that, Dan! First, we have to determine a number 1 contender, which will be determined over the next couple of episodes. We'll get to that later tonight!
Dan: Awwwwwwwww!
Joe: I know, I know. But first, we've got a great 4 on 4 tag team match, featuring the eight individuals who were unluckily eliminated in the first round of the FLAW Championship Tournament. It will be Mars People, Don Combo, Senor Caliente, and Robodile, versus BK Punk, X-Croc, Captain Unhappyheart, and Agent BA-2 "J!" These eight men were unable to pull out victories in the tournament, but after this match, the hierarchy of wrestlers will become more clear, and the winners will be able to move out of the Losers' Lounge and into their own private living quarters!
Dan: I don't understand this whole Losers' Lounge thing.
Joe: Well, the new FLAW provides living quarters for all its wrestlers. The FLAW World Champion of the World gets a luxurious private suite worthy of a true champion! Wrestlers who won their most recent match also get their own private rooms. However, the wrestlers who have lost their most recent match have to stay together in the community room known as the Losers' Lounge. So, the quality of life for the wrestlers is directly tied to their performance in the ring!
Dan: Ohhhh.
Joe: You get it now?
Dan: Not really.
Joe: ... *sigh* ...Anyway, the match is getting started! Our new ring announcer, King, has the details.
King: The following match is a 4 on 4 tag team match!
*The Amigos of Glory's theme song, "Caliente" by Los Pericos, starts playing, as all four members of the team make their way down the aisle.*
King: Making their way to the ring... at a combined weight of 982 pounds... they are the team of Robodile, Mars People, Senor Caliente, and Don Combo!
*The four wrestlers climb in the ring and go to their corner. They choose Don Combo as the legal man, and the other three wrestlers go to the apron. During all this, Senor Caliente loses his shirt somehow, but nobody's sure when it happened. Then, BK Punk's theme song, "Seeing Red" by Minor Threat, plays as the team makes its way down the aisle.*
King: And their opponents... at a combined weight of 697 pounds... they are the team of X-Croc, Captain Unhappyheart, Agent BA-2 "J", and BK Punk!
*The team gets into the ring and chooses X-Croc as the legal man. The others go to the apron. The Referee signals for the bell.*
Dan: THIS! HERE! MATCH! BE! AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWN!!!!!!
Joe: Combo and X-Croc come out of their corners, and waste no time locking up! They both struggle for the advantage! Although both men are considered to be cruiserweights by typical weight classes in professional wrestling, Combo is a good fifty pounds or so heavier than Croc! He uses his weight advantage to force Croc toward the ropes! But, in the nick of time, Croc drops to the floor and dives between Combo's legs, coming up behind him! Before Combo can react, Croc nails him with a drop kick to the back!
Dan: MODIFIED SHINING WIZARD!!!
Joe: Uh, no. Combo falls onto the middle rope, and Croc tries to follow up with a 619! But Combo ducks out of the way of the kick, and the force of that kick sends Croc flying across the ring!
Dan: Needs to work on his grip.
Joe: That would certainly help! Combo follows Croc and nails him with an elbow drop to the face! Croc is lying prone in the ring! Combo goes for the cover! ONE! TWO! And it's broken up by a stomp from Unhappyheart! The Referee quickly forces Unhappyheart back to the apron! Meanwhile, Combo is dragging Croc back to his feet! With an agile leap, Combo nails Croc in the back of the head with an enzuigiri!
Dan: MODIFIED ENZUIGIRI!!!
Joe: Actually, that wasn't modified at all. Again, Combo goes for the cover! ONE! TWO! And the pin is broken up by an elbow drop from Punk! Combo looks irate, and is staring directly at Punk! Punk spreads his arms apart, taunting Combo to come get him! Combo begins to head in Punk's direction, when Croc, from behind, uses his arm to hit Combo in the family jewels!
Dan: MODIFIED EYE RAKE!!!
Joe: Seriously, Dan, shut up.
Dan: You're not the boss of me!
Joe: *sigh* Whatever. Croc rolls Combo up! ONE! TWO! But Combo kicks out! Holding his crotch with one hand, Combo staggers to his corner and tags in Robodile! Croc tries to reach his corner, but turns around at the sound of Robodile's voice! Then, in a flash, Robodile SLAMS into Croc with one of his patented SPEARS! Robodile covers! ONE! TWO! But the pin is broken with simultaneous stomps from Punk and Unhappyheart! The Referee swiftly takes action, and forces both men back onto the apron! However, Croc is unconscious right in the corner, so Punk reaches out and tags himself in!
Dan: MODIFIED... uh... never mind.
Joe: Punk rushes over to Robodile and takes him down with a drop kick to the knee! Now both men are on the mat, where Punk's technical skills should give him the advantage! Punk quickly grabs Robodile's arm and locks him into his signature cross armbreaker! He wrenches on Robodile's robotic arm as hard as he can, in an attempt to wear the big man down! However, Robodile manages to maneuver his head forward enough to bite on Punk's leg!
Dan: Tastes like chicken!
Joe: Punk screams and lets go of the hold! Both men manage to get back to their feet, although Punk is experiencing significant pain in his leg! Despite his bite wound, Punk manages to leap onto Robodile's shoulders! He attempts a hurricanrana, but Robodile reverses it into a POWERFUL SITDOWN POWERBOMB!
Dan: OH MAH GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD!!!
Joe: BK Punk is completely unconscious! Robodile goes for the pin! ONE! TWO! But wait! Out of nowhere, Agent J leaped off the turnbuckle and landed on Robodile with his SHOOTING STAR SENTON! The force of the move knocked both J and Robodile slam out! The three men are unconscious in the ring! The Referee rolls J back outside, and starts the ten count!
The Referee: ONE! TWO! THREE!
Dan: Oh, I'm so nervous!
The Referee: FOUR! FIVE! SIX!
Joe: Will the match end here? What's going to happen?!
The Referee: SEVEN! EIGHT!
Joe: Wait! Both wrestlers are struggling back to their feet!
The Referee: NINE!
Joe: Both wrestlers are back on their feet and scrambling toward their corner! Robodile tags in Mars People, while BK Punk tags in Captain Unhappyheart! Unhappyheart looks hesitant to get in the ring, but The Referee insists he come in! Unhappyheart unhappily complies, and climbs into the ring! Unhappyheart runs at Mars People and attempts a clothesline! But Mars People ducks under the clothesline and keeps running! Mars People rebounds off the ropes and runs back at Unhappyheart, who attempts another clothesline! This time, however, Mars People grabs his arm and wraps it up in his tentacles, incapacitating it!
Dan: Can Captain U make a comeback?
Joe: Mars People skillfully wraps up Captain Unhappyheart's limbs, and rolls him up! Captain Unhappyheart can't move effectively, and all of his teammates are too weak to interfere! The Referee goes for the count! ONE! TWO! THREE!
*The bell rings, and Mars People's theme song, "Intergalactic" by the Beastie Boys, plays.*
King: Here are your winners, the team of Don Combo, Senor Caliente, Robodile, and MARS PEOPLE!
Dan: ...I guess not.
Joe: Combo, Caliente, Robodile, and Mars People have scored a big victory here, and will now be able to move into private living quarters! For the other guys, unfortunately, they remain losers, and as such, will continue to live in the Losers' Lounge! This can't be good for their self esteem.
Dan: I dunno, Joe! I've been a loser pretty much my whole life, and yet my self esteem is blossoming!
Joe: True, but not everyone is as cheerfully ignorant as you, my friend.
Dan: Point taken.
Joe: Now, it's time for the intermission! After the break, we'll watch a great Fatal Four Way to decide who will occupy the last spot in Friday's number 1 contender's match! Will it be the immortal Allen O'Neill? The time-warped Doriaan McHawk? The fearsome Giant Enemy Crab? Or the scheming mastermind CATS? Find out when we return!
Dan: See ya!
INTERMISSION