PsychoAndy.com presents Brandon A. Mayo
Last time, on Hawk 'n Croc's Big Honkin' Battles...
The LASMAT quarterfinals finally began, and the first four matches were decided. The first fight of the quarterfinals is about to begin, as Fire Raven and Terrance Beauregard square off to decide who will advance to the final 4.
Randy: Well, it appears that Terrance Beauregard and Fire Raven are about ready to fight!
Brendan: Yes, but before they do, let's give them a quick interview!
Randy and Brendan go up to the arena to interview Raven and Terrance.
Randy: So, Fire Raven...You are the same Fire Raven that protects our city from evil, correct?
Fire Raven: Yes, that's right.
Randy: You've never participated in the tournament before. What made you decide to enter this time?
Fire Raven: Well, I'm giving Hawk and Croc superhero training, and I thought that LASMAT would be a good opportunity to test their skills.
Randy: Your opponent, Terrance Beauregard, was once champion of LASMAT, back in 1991. Does this worry you?
Fire Raven: Well, not really. He's been out of the tournament scene for quite a while, so I think I'll probably fare well against him.
Randy: Alright, thank you for your time!
Fire Raven: No problem.
At the other side of the ring, Brendan is interviewing Terrance.
Brendan: Terrance Beauregard, you retired from fighting 10 years ago to start your own pizza restaurant. What made you decide to come back?
Terrance: Well, yuu know, mai ristrant, Hangury Wurf Peesa, ees sponsrin' dis turnmint.
Terrance: Eef I ween da turnmint, I will get da free peesa frum my ristrant. So, my ristrant will saive monee, becoss I own da peesa areddy! OKAY!!!
Brendan: Oh, I see. So this is a business decision.
Brendan: As we can all see, you don't appear to be as physically fit as you were back when you used to compete. Do you think this will affect your performance?
Terrance: I am fiskly phit areddy! A rittle peesa nebber hurts nobudee!
Brendan: ....Alrighty then. Mr. Beauregard, thank you for your time.
Randy and Brendan both return to their desks after the interviews are over.
Randy: Well, this is sure to be an excellent battle.
Brendan: One for the record books, I bet.
Randy: Oh, here comes the Tournament Announcer Guy to start the match!
The T.A.G. gets up onto the elevated fighting ring to announce the rules.
T.A.G.: Remember, you can use any attack you want, as long as it's not lethal. Weapons are allowed in the fight. You win if you can K.O. the opponent, knock him or her out of bounds, or make the opponent surrender. The winner of this fight will go on to the semifinals, and the loser will be eliminated from the tournament. The fighting starts when the bell rings. May the best fighter win!
The T.A.G. quickly gets out of the ring, and the bell sounds.
Terrance: Duu yuu fink dat yuu kan beet mee? Da mightee Taranss Burgard?
Fire Raven: Well, I can try, can't I?
Terrance: Bureeng eet awn! OKAY!!! ::starts attacking::
Randy: Beauregard makes the first move, as he starts going after Fire Raven with a skillful barrage of martial arts moves! It looks like his skill is still sharp!
Brendan: Yes, but notice how his moves don't seem to have the same speed and effectiveness. Fire Raven is able to parry every attack he does!
Terrance: HRAAAAH!!! ::throws a spinning roundhouse kick to Fire Raven's head::
Fire Raven: ::blocks the kick with relative ease:: I'm sorry if I sound rude, but I expected you to be better than this.
Terrance: ::while panting and sweating:: A'm....*pant*....just....*gasp*....gettin'....*wheeze*....stahted!! ::pulls his fist back, which starts to glow orangish::
Brendan: Is this what I think it is?
Randy: I'm pretty sure it is! One of Beauregard's classic moves!
Terrance: BARNACLE!!! ::leaps forward at Fire Raven with a flaming punch...only to fall flat on his face a couple of feet away from Fire Raven::
Fire Raven: ....um.
Randy: It looks like the Barnacle failed!
Brendan: Indeed! This is quite unusual. That move has never failed him before!
Terrance: Daahn it!! Eet ees nawt fehr!
Fire Raven: ...I...think you're past your prime.
Terrance: Dat ees boolsheet! Ah am steel awsum! Dis nekst move won't fayl! RAISIN TAC....URGH!!
Brendan: What just happened?!
Randy: It looks like Terrance tried his classic Raisin Taco move, and accidentally fell onto his head while doing it!
Terrance: OWIE!!! ::stands back up::
Fire Raven: Maybe you should just give up.
Terrance: NO!!! Ah gots more moves!! CLACK SHOE!!! WAAARGH!!!
Randy: He tried his Clack Shoe, fell, and broke his leg!
Terrance: POWAA DUCK!!! HRNGH!!!!
Brendan: He tripped over himself while trying the Powaa Duck, fell, and broke his nose!
Terrance: POWAA WAYF!! GWAAAAAAH!!!! HERP ME!!!
Randy: He set himself on fire with his own Powaa Wayf!! I can't believe this!!!
Brendan: Man! He really sucks now! How did he ever get into the quarterfinals?!
Randy: I have no idea!
Fire Raven: Uhm....are you done beating yourself up yet?
Terrance: SHAT AP!! Ah steel gots me urtimit move...da Powaa Geezaa!!
Randy: Could he really pull off a Powaa Geezaa in his current condition??
Brendan: I highly doubt it, Randy!
Terrance: POWAA GEEZAA!!! ::punches the ground, causing a huge pillar of flame to rise from the ground and blast Fire Raven into the air::
Fire Raven: Aaah!!
Randy: WOW! He actually pulled it off!
Brendan: He must have won every single one of his preliminary matches with the Powaa Geezaa! Now I understand!
Randy: Look! Fire Raven is recovering from the attack!
Fire Raven: ::rolls when she hits the ground, and stands back up:: So you CAN still do something!
Terrance: Ah weel do eet agin, and ween! OKAY!!!
Fire Raven: We'll see.
Terrance: OH MAH SHEET!!! POWAA GEEZAAAA!!!
Randy: Look! He's doing it again!
Brendan: Yes, but what is Fire Raven doing?
Fire Raven: Hmph! No problem! ::quickly swerves around the Powaa Geezaa, and jumpkicks Terrance::
Terrance: AWGH!!! ::falls down, and slides for about four feet::
Randy: She avoided the Powaa Geezaa and did a counterattack! Nobody has ever done that before!!
Brendan: It looks like Beauregard has no chance of winning now!
Terrance: ::stands up:: NO!! EET'S NAWT FEHR!!! AH WEEL WEEN!!!
Fire Raven: All your moves have failed, Terrance. You're going to lose.
Terrance: Ah steel gots wan more move! A nuu move dat ah maid fer da turnmint!
Fire Raven: ...A new move?
Terrance: Pureepar yerserf!! ::rips his shirt off, revealing his grotesque, blubbery body:: BELLY BOMBAAA!!!! ::starts jiggling his belly like a crazy person while running at Fire Raven::
Fire Raven: ::sighs, and raises her hands towards Terrance:: Raven Cyclone!
Randy: Fire Raven is shooting a cyclone made of fire at Beauregard! Could this be the attack that wins it for Raven??
Brendan: Yeah, probably.
Randy: I thought so.
Terrance: WAT EES DIS?! WAAAAARGH!!!! ::gets caught in the flaming tornado, and is tossed really high into the sky...so high, he makes the little twinkly star effect::
Brendan: Beauregard was blasted high into the sky! It looks like Fire Raven has won!
Randy: Not yet! The rules specifically say that someone can't lose unless he or she has been KO'ed, or knocked out of the ring!
Terrance: ........AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! ::falls from the sky and slams into the bleachers, making a big crater where some benches used to be::
T.A.G.: The winner is Fire Raven, by way of ringout AND knockout!
Brendan: Well, there ya go. Both of 'em happened.
Randy: Sweet. Well, this means that Fire Raven will be advancing to the semifinals! Next up, Jacky Nightblade will fight against Gila Consuelos!
Jacky: Ready to do this?
Gila: ::chuckles:: But of course, Mr. Nightblade.
The winner of this next fight will be facing Fire Raven in the semifinals! Will it be Jacky Nightblade, of Gila Consuelos? Find out on the next episode of...
Hawk 'n Croc's Big Honkin' Battles!