Thursday Night FLAW
March 8, 2007
By Brandon A. Mayo
Joe: Hello everyone, and welcome once again to Thursday Night FLAW! As usual, I'm your play by play commentator, Joe Higashi, and joining me today is our brand new permanent color commentator, Dan Hibiki. Hello, Dan!
Dan: Hey Joe, it's great to be in this commentator's chair once again! FLAW won't let me compete anymore due to my broken leg, but they realized my awesomeness and hired me as a commentator! I'm pretty psyched about that, Joe!
Joe: As am I, Dan! Now, as many of you out there know, FLAW hasn't aired for over two weeks now. The reason is because significant parts of the arena were severely damaged, due to the unfortunate misuse of a popcorn machine. But, things have been fixed successfully just in time for our return broadcast today!
Dan: YAHOOIE!
Joe: Since the arena was unusable for quite a while, no matches were able to take place, and so the current champions were not stripped of their titles. Because of this, CATS's reign as the Gold Champion has, oddly enough, outlasted the previous reign of Captain Happyheart, without a single title defense taking place.
Dan: Boo! CATS sucks!
Joe: But today, things will get back on schedule. We're having a special three part Thursday Night FLAW today, featuring three exciting title matches! First up, Mars People will finally have his previously scheduled Silver Championship defense in a Triple Threat match, against Don Combo and Robodile.
Dan: Sweet.
Joe: Then, we'll finally crown our first ever FLAW Tag Team Champions in a tag team match between Karate Extreme and the Ice Climbers!
Dan: Saikyo copiers against angry midgets? I don't really want to root for either of them.
Joe: Well, nobody said you had to, Dan. Finally, CATS will have his first ever Gold Championship defense against the man he stole the title from, Captain Happyheart.
Dan: If anyone can do it, it's Happyheart!
Joe: I definitely agree with that, Dan. I'd like to talk more about that subject, but our first match is starting!
Ring Announcer: The following match is a Triple Threat match for the FLAW Silver Championship! The match can only end when one of the wrestlers is pinned for a three count, submits, or is knocked out. The wrestler who scores the fall will be declared the winner!
*Mars People's theme, "Intergalactic" by the Beastie Boys, plays, and Mars People walks toward the ring with his manager, Fio Germi.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring, accompanied by Fio Germi... from the planet Mars, standing at 5'3" and weighing in at 94 pounds, he is the FLAW Silver Champion... MARS PEOPLE!
*Mars People slips into the ring and goes to his corner. Then, Don Combo's theme song, "Beer in Mexico" by Kenny Chesney, kicks in, and Don Combo drunkenly dances down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: Here is the first challenger... from Mexico City, Mexico, standing at 5 feet 10 inches, and weighing in at 213 pounds... DON COMBO!
*Don Combo rolls into the ring and gets into his corner. Robodile's theme song, "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer, plays, and Robodile makes his way to the ring to a thunderous ovation.*
Ring Announcer: And the second challenger... from Puerto Lagarto, Florida, standing at 6'5", and weighing in at 400 pounds... ROBODILE!
Dan: I thought Robodile weighed 800 pounds!
Joe: He did. After he was disabled by Mars People in his last title shot, Robodile had extensive remodeling done to his body. The armor that covers his body is now made of a high-tech alloy that's more durable, but weighs much less than his previous armor.
Dan: Uh, I don't understand, but okay, whatever.
*Robodile climbs into the ring and stands in his corner. The Referee signals for the bell to be rung.*
Joe: This match has begun! The three combatants staring each other down! Robodile and Don Combo's eyes meet in a fierce gaze! Both these guys want the Silver title! But wait! They join hands and level Mars People with a double clothesline!
Dan: Teamwork, huh? Teamwork is what helped us win Millennium Fight 2000 together!
Joe: That's right! I guess Don Combo and Robodile came to the conclusion that they needed to work together if one of them is to win the Silver Championship! Don Combo and Robodile are now stomping away at Mars People to wear him down! But wait! Mars People grabs Don Combo's foot and rolls into an ankle lock! Mars People is wrenching on the ankle, but Robodile hits him with a big boot! Mars People falls to the ground! Robodile now, helping Don Combo back up! Robodile goes to the mat and gets Mars People into a headlock as Don Combo goes to the outside!
Dan: Looks to me like Combo's going for a weapon!
Joe: He is! Don Combo specializes in the hardcore wrestling style, and the usage of weapons almost won him the Silver Championship last time! Don Combo goes under the ring and comes up with a ladder! Could he be planning to do the same stunt he tried in his last title shot?
Dan: Could be, but it doesn't look like Fio's gonna let him!
Joe: You're right! Fio Germi is interfering on behalf of Mars People! She's wailing at Combo, trying to keep him from using that ladder! But wait! Combo dodges a blow and covers her mouth with a white cloth! Fio is gradually losing consciousness! That cloth must be covered in chloroform!
Dan: Uh, what's that?
Joe: A chemical that can be used to make people lose consciousness. Surely you could've figured that out.
Dan: I'm slow.
Joe: Anyway, back in the ring, Mars People is reaching for Robodile's body! He wraps his tentacles around Robodile, and manages to roll Robodile to the mat for a pin! One! Two! And a kick out at two! Robodile had to release the headlock to avoid getting pinned for three!
Dan: That was a close one!
Joe: Back outside the ring, Fio has succumbed to the chloroform and has lost consciousness! Don Combo gently lies her down on the ground outside the ring, and climbs back into the ring with the ladder! He's got Mars People in his sights! Don Combo rushes at Mars People with the ladder, but Mars People ducks out of the way and trips Combo! He grabs Combo's limbs and rolls backwards into a SILVER SURFBOARD! SILVER SURFBOARD!
Dan: SILVER SURFBOARD!
Joe: This is the submission move that disabled Robodile! It looks like Don Combo's going to tap out! But no! Robodile hits Mars People with a low dropkick, breaking the hold! Robodile helps Don Combo back onto his feet, and signals for him to go to the top of the turnbuckles! Combo climbs the turnbuckles, while Robodile bites down on the area where Mars People's tentacles connect to his head! Mars People is flailing around, but he can't escape Robodile's solid steel jaws! Combo reaches the top turnbuckle, and signals for a Dos Equis!
Dan: More teamwork from Combo and Robodile!
Joe: Yes! While Robodile's biting down on Mars People, Don Combo jumps into the air! DOS EQUIS RIGHT ON MARS PEOPLE'S FACE! OH MY GOD!
Dan: YAHOOIE! THAT ROCKED!
Joe: Robodile and Don Combo both roll away from Mars People as The Referee checks on him! It looks like The Referee is going to rule a knockout victory! But wait! MARS PEOPLE SOMEHOW GETS BACK UP! This fight is still on!
Dan: But look at what the other two guys are doing!
Joe: Oh! Don Combo and Robodile are holding that ladder together in a battering ram position! They're looking to ram it into Mars People's face!
Dan: Turn around, Mars People! You're about to get smashed! HARDCORE!
Joe: And turn around he does... but he can't dodge the ladder attack! Don Combo and Robodile run full speed and SLAM THE LADDER INTO MARS PEOPLE'S FACE! Mars People falls to the ground hard! His eyes are glazed over!
Dan: Like my favorite tractor-tire donut!
Joe: The Referee checks on Mars People! It looks like the Silver Champion is out cold! And it looks like The Referee agrees! He signals for the bell!
*The bell rings.*
Dan: But who is the winner?
Joe: I don't know! The Referee is explaining the match outcome to the ring announcer! Let's see what the verdict is!
Ring Announcer: The Silver Champion, Mars People, was defeated by knockout due to a hard blow to the head via a ladder! The Referee has ruled that, due to both Robodile and Don Combo having delivered the blow together, they are both responsible for Mars People's loss! Therefore, the co-winners of this match are... DON COMBO AND ROBODILE!
Joe: Two winners?! This is very unconventional!
Ring Announcer: However, it is impossible for two people to hold a singles championship at one time! Because one sole champion cannot be determined, the Silver Championship... is VACATED!
*The audience boos in disapproval. Don Combo and Robodile looks quite disgusted as well.*
Joe: And so, The Referee has ruled that the Silver Championship is to be vacated! This is definitely a first in FLAW history! What will happen with this Silver Championship situation? Hopefully, we'll be able to bring you some answers soon!
Dan: I hope so!
Joe: Now, it's time for our first intermission of the day. After the break, we'll crown our first ever FLAW Tag Team Champions as Karate Extreme battle the Ice Climbers! Stay tuned!
INTERMISSION
Joe: Welcome back to Thursday Night FLAW! Before the break, a controversial decision led to the vacation of the FLAW Silver Championship! The FLAW Committee has decided to hold a match next week on Monday Night FLAW to crown a new Silver Champion! Don Combo and Robodile, as co-winners of tonight's championship match, will both be included. In addition, Mars People will be in the match, in order to try to win back his belt. Last but not least, Mr. Karate, who won number one contender's status on the last Monday Night FLAW, will battle for the title as well! These four wrestlers will duke it out for the Silver Championship next week in a 4-person battle royal!
Dan: THRILLING!!!
Joe: Indeed! Now, we'll get to our second match of the night, as Karate Extreme and the Ice Climbers battle for the FLAW Tag Team Championship! In fact, that match is starting... right now!
Ring Announcer: The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the vacant FLAW Tag Team Championship!
*Karate Extreme's theme song, "Southtown" by P.O.D., plays over the loudspeakers as Ryo Sakazaki and Robert Garcia make their way down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: Making their way to the ring... from Southtown, USA, at a combined weight of 352 pounds, they are Ryo Sakazaki and Robert Garcia... KARATE EXTREME!
Dan: YOU SUCK!!!
*Karate Extreme go to their corner. Robert stands in the corner as Ryo goes out to the apron. Then, the Ice Climbers' theme plays as Popo and Nana make their way down the aisle among a chorus of boos.*
Ring Announcer: And their opponents... from Icicle Mountain, at a combined weight of 162 pounds, they are Popo and Nana... the ICE CLIMBERS!
Dan: YOU ALSO SUCK!!!
*Popo and Nana climb into the ring and get in their corner. Nana stays in the ring as the legal wrestler while Popo goes to the apron. The timekeeper rings the bell.*
Joe: And this match is on! Nana and Robert stare each other down! But wait! Robert makes a crude gesture to Nana!
Robert: Hey baby! Take a look at you! Sexy, and short enough to suck my dick without kneeling!
Nana: YOU CREEP!
Joe: Nana leaps up high and wallops Robert in the side of the head with her mallet! Robert falls to the ground hard! The Referee is checking on Robert! The Referee signals for the bell!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here are your winners by knockout, and the NEW FLAW Tag Team Champions... the ICE CLIMBERS!
Joe: Another complete squash by the Ice Climbers as they become the first ever FLAW Tag Team Champions! Robert Garcia's perverted actions have once again cost him big! Ryo Sakazaki is furious! The Ice Climbers, meanwhile, are celebrating their big victory! The audience is very unhappy!
Dan: Let's face it, Joe. No matter who won that match... we lose.
Joe: Whatever, Dan. While the paramedics attend to Robert Garcia, we'll go to intermission! After the break, CATS will defend his title against Captain Happyheart... if Happyheart can show up! Stay tuned!
INTERMISSION
Joe: Welcome back to Thursday Night FLAW! We've had a tumultuous night here at the FLAW Arena. First, the Silver Championship was vacated in a controversial Triple Threat match! Then, the Ice Climbers were crowned the first ever FLAW Tag Team Champions in the shortest FLAW match ever!
Dan: Yeah, that match sucked. I want my money back!
Joe: Dan, they pay you to sit there.
Dan: Then I want MORE money!
Joe: ...
Dan: What?
Joe: Anyway, it's now time for our final match of the night! CATS defends his Gold Championship against Captain Happyheart! David R. Kett is backstage with the champion now! David?
David: Yes, I'm here with the FLAW Gold Champion, CATS! Now, CATS, I'm sure you're aware that Captain Happyheart is still missing! What will you do if your opponent doesn't show up?
CATS: Oh, I'm not worried about it. Ha Ha Ha Ha...
David: ...I see. Do you have anything to say before your title match?
CATS: Just this: Captain Happyheart, if you're out there... *shows off his title belt* ...ALL YOUR BELT ARE BELONG TO CATS.
*CATS smirks and walks away.*
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the FLAW Gold Championship!
*CATS's theme song, "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" by the Laziest Men on Mars, plays, and CATS struts down the aisle as the arena boos.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... from the deepest reaches of space, standing at 6'3" and weighing in at 246 pounds, he is the FLAW Gold Champion... CATS!
*CATS removes his cape and belt, and climbs into the ring. He stands in his corner and smirks confidently.*
Joe: Where's Captain Happyheart? Will he show up in time for his match?
Dan: Why are you asking me?
*CATS starts laughing as the arena's loudspeakers remain silent. Everyone else sits on the edge of their seats, waiting to see if Happyheart will show up. Then, suddenly, Captain Happyheart's theme song, "Gala Gala Happy" by DJ Softhard, plays over the loudspeakers. The audience bursts into frenzied cheering.*
Joe: Happyheart is here! Happyheart is here! But wait! What the hell is this?! Captain Happyheart is tied up! And his evil clone, Captain Unhappyheart, is pushing him down to the ring!
Dan: That definitely does not rock!
Joe: As I suspected, CATS and Unhappyheart had Happyheart locked away somewhere! And now they're making a mockery of this sport by forcing Happyheart to compete while tied up!
Dan: CATS is a son of a bitch! If my leg was good right now, I'd go down there and whup his butt in the name of SAIKYO!!!
Joe: I'd help you out on that, but unfortunately, we have to stay out of this!
*Unhappyheart rolls Happyheart into the ring. The timekeeper rings the bell.*
Joe: CATS starts this match by slapping Happyheart across the face! But Happyheart just smiles back, defiantly! CATS punches Happyheart in the gut, then slaps him again! CATS steps back and taunts Happyheart and the audience with an extravagant flourish! He just wants to make a fool out of Happyheart!
Dan: That cocky prick!
Joe: CATS goes back to attacking Happyheart! He's punching Happyheart in the face repeatedly! But Happyheart won't stop smiling! CATS is getting frustrated! CATS now with a vicious forearm! Happyheart reels back from the attack! CATS goes back to taunting the audience! The audience is making their disgust known!
Dan: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe: But wait! Happyheart hits CATS with a dropkick out of nowhere!
Dan: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe: That did it! CATS is furious! He picks Happyheart up off the ground and levels him with a big clothesline! Happyheart is down! CATS picks up Happyheart and gets him in that headlock! He's signaling for the Way to Destruction! CATS leaps to the ropes, rebounds... AND HE CONNECTS WITH THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION!
Dan: NOOOOOO!!! THIS CANNOT BE!!!
Joe: CATS goes for the cover! One! Two! Three!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner, and STILL the FLAW Gold Champion... CATS!
Joe: What a mockery of a title match that was! Happyheart had no chance at all! But wait! CATS isn't done yet! He's signaling for Unhappyheart! Unhappyheart comes into the ring!
CATS: Unhappyheart! SET UP HIM THE BOMB!
Joe: CATS climbs to the top turnbuckle! Unhappyheart picks Happyheart up off the ground, and gets him in position for a powerbomb! Unhappyheart backs up so that he's directly in front of CATS! CATS wraps his arms around Happyheart, and delivers an ELEVATED SIDE EFFECT!
Dan: WHAT A DEVASTATING MANEUVER! BAH GAWD, JOE!
Joe: CATS and Unhappyheart are now stomping away at Happyheart! Somebody, break this up now!
*Suddenly, Azul's music, "Hummingbird" by Seals and Crofts, plays, and Azul runs to the ring.*
Joe: Azul is here! Azul has arrived to help Happyheart! Azul delivers a fast dropkick to Unhappyheart, knocking him out of the ring! She bounces off the ropes, and hits CATS with her jumping spinning roundhouse kick, the Whirlybird Kick! CATS is down! Azul goes to Happyheart and unties him! But wait!
*The Ice Climbers' music plays as the Ice Climbers run down into the ring.*
Joe: What do the Tag Team Champions have to do with this?! The Ice Climbers clothesline Azul with their big bungee cord! They quickly follow up by leaping onto the turnbuckles in opposite corners! The Ice Climbers fly through the air and hit Happyheart and Azul with SIMULTANEOUS FROG SPLASHES!
*Suddenly, the Amigos of Glory's theme song, "Caliente" by Los Pericos, plays, and Senor Caliente and Don Combo rush to the ring, chairs in hand.*
Joe: Azul's father and tag team partner have arrived! They chase the Ice Climbers out of the ring! The Ice Climbers stand outside the ring, side by side with CATS and Captain Unhappyheart, as Don Combo and Caliente help Happyheart and Azul recover! The eight combatants are staring each other down! CATS goes for a microphone! He's going to speak!
CATS: You think you've won this round, don't you? Well, it means little in the long run, because we are the four most dominant wrestlers in FLAW! Together, we are Great Justice, and we rule FLAW!
???: We'll see about that!
CATS: What?!
Joe: Look, on the screen! It's the shadowy figures of the FLAW Committee, the people responsible for everything that goes on in FLAW!
???: CATS, we knew that foul play had been involved with your title win, but we weren't able to find enough proof in time to strip you of your title. However, we wanted to come up with some way to punish your actions, regardless. And tonight, we've come to a consensus on how to do so!
CATS: Oh? What exactly can you do?
???: We're going to make it so that none of your allies will be able to give you an unfair advantage, and we will do so by evening the playing field! Next week, on Thursday Night FLAW, it will be CATS, Captain Unhappyheart, and the Ice Climbers, versus Captain Happyheart, Don Combo, and the Amigos of Glory, in a 4 on 4 survival tag match!
Joe: Whoa!
Dan: This is the greatest night in the history of our sport!
???: But that's not all! CATS, if your team wins, then you will keep the Gold Championship. However, if your team loses, then the last surviving member of Happyheart's team will become the new FLAW Gold Champion!
CATS: WHAT?! But that isn't fair! A singles title being up for grabs in a tag match? That's preposterous!
???: I'm not finished! If Happyheart's team wins with more than one surviving member, then those people will fight the following week for the vacant Gold Championship!
CATS: B-but... doesn't Don Combo have a Silver Championship match next Monday?! If he becomes Silver Champion, he'll be ineligible for a Gold Championship shot!
???: True, there is a rule that a person who holds a singles title cannot compete for another. Therefore, if Don Combo is Silver Champion come Thursday, then Robodile will take his place in the tag match! Good luck, CATS!
Joe: Wow, what an incredible announcement! A 4 on 4 survival tag match is booked for next Thursday, with the FLAW Gold Championship on the line!
Dan: I hope CATS gets totally creamed! I just wish I could be the one doing it!
Joe: But before that, we'll have two matches on Monday Night FLAW! First off, two wrestlers have their debut match, as Terrance Beauregard faces off against Captain Unhappyheart for a Silver Championship match the following week! Also, Don Combo, Robodile, Mars People, and Mr. Karate fight in a 4-person battle royal for the vacant Silver Championship!
Dan: It's guaranteed to be an exciting week for the whole family! See you next time!
Joe: Hey, that's my line!
FLAW News
March of the Painguins Officially Announced
March 10, 2007
FLAW is officially announcing the first ever FLAW Supercard, March of the Painguins. This Supercard will be a special four-part FLAW broadcast featuring four incredible matches, including matches for all three FLAW championships. It will also feature exciting gimmick matches never before seen in FLAW.
March of the Painguins is currently scheduled to air Saturday, March 31. More news of the event will be revealed in upcoming FLAW broadcasts.
Coming Soon: The New FLAW
The first version of FLAW was not without its flaws. Rules were broken, titles were stolen, and chaos reigned. Strife within the FLAW Committee eventually resulted in the company's downfall.
But now, FLAW is making a resurgence. All of the titles have been vacated and retired. Wrestlers will now fight over the one and only definitive title in the company: the FLAW Championship.
New rules. Less titles to fight over. A more coherent organization overall.
The New FLAW will debut soon, on a date to be announced, with the first two matches in a 16-wrestler tournament for the FLAW Championship. This tournament will include familiar faces and new wrestlers alike, including:
CATS
Captain Happyheart
Terrance Beauregard
Don Combo
Azul Combo
Senor Caliente
Robodile
Mars People
Mr. Karate
Doriaan McHawk
X-Croc
Giant Enemy Crab
Captain Unhappyheart
BK Punk
Agent BA-2 "J"
Allen O'Neil
We hope to see you soon at the New FLAW!