Monday Night FLAW
February 19, 2007
By Brandon A. Mayo
Joe: Welcome once again to Monday Night FLAW! I'm your play by play commentator, Joe Higashi, and joining me tonight is our guest commentator, Amigos of Glory member Azul Combo. Now, Azul, everyone knows that you obviously have feelings for Captain Happyheart.
Azul: W-what?! That's a secret! Who told you? Caliente?!
Joe: Um... we all saw you making that custom Valentine for him in your dressing room plastered with Happyheart posters. It's pretty obvious.
Azul: What? How is that possible?!
Joe: I know that many of you wrestlers don't seem to realize this, but... everything important that happens backstage is shown on Main Screen up there.
Azul: Oh... I guess I'll be more careful with what I do backstage, then...
Joe: Anyway, we've got a great show lined up for you tonight! In a number one contender's match for the FLAW Silver Championship, Mr. Karate will go one on one with his self-proclaimed son, Dan Hibiki. Then, in a Triple Threat Match, Silver Champion Mars People will defend his belt against both Robodile and Don Combo. But first, the new Gold Champion, CATS, is going to explain what went down last Thursday that resulted in CATS winning the championship off of Captain Happyheart.
Azul: Oh, Happyheart... Where could you be?
Joe: Those of you who check FLAW News know that Happyheart has been missing ever since he seemingly gave his championship to CATS on Thursday. We don't know where he is or why he disappeared, but maybe CATS can provide us some answers tonight!
Azul: He better! Happyheart needs to come back!
Joe: By the way, CATS claims that what he will reveal tonight will have people talking, and he doesn't want an immediate match afterwards to reduce the impact of what he has to say. As a result, he has used his pull as the top champion to make this a special three-part episode!
*CATS's music starts, and the audience boos vigorously as CATS struts down the aisle, showing off his Gold championship belt.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... he is the current FLAW Gold Champion, CATS!
*CATS slips into the ring and grabs a microphone from a crew member. He then smirks in the middle of the ring as he waits for the audience's boos to die down. When they do, CATS begins to speak.*
CATS: Now, I know that you're all wondering what happened on Thursday, when I won this FLAW Gold Championship. You're probably all thinking, "Why did Captain Happyheart join CATS?" and "Where is Captain Happyheart now?" and God knows what else you pathetic, feeble-brained humans think.
*Boos.*
CATS: You probably are all assuming the worst: that I, the mighty CATS, somehow cheated and used dirty tactics to win the title. Well, I have one thing to say to you humans. For once... you're RIGHT.
Azul: That bastard! What did he do to Happyheart?!
CATS: But I couldn't have done this alone, oh no. I've had an ally in this scheme. I managed to find someone who wanted to see Captain Happyheart lose the championship belt as much as I did. Who is it, you may ask? I present to you, my partner in crime...
*CATS does an elaborate flourish as he directs the audience's attention to the entranceway. An unfamiliar song starts as a man makes his way down to the ring. He looks exactly like Happyheart, except his usual yellow and pink color scheme is replaced by dull shades of grey and blue. He also has modified sunglasses, with crying eyes painted on the front, as well as blue tears painted on his cheek. He shuffles to the ring in the exact same sullen manner Happyheart did on Thursday. Eventually, the man climbs into the ring, and stands beside CATS.*
CATS: Looks a lot like Happyheart, does he not? But he is not Happyheart! This man is Happyheart's evil clone, powered by negative emotions! He is... Captain Unhappyheart!
Joe: Captain Unhappyheart? What the hell?!
*CATS hands the microphone to Unhappyheart.*
Unhappyheart: Hi. I'm Captain Unhappyheart. I'm... a clone, created by EVEL. *sigh* Supposedly, EVEL was able to reverse the polarity of Happyheart's happy energy, and because of that, I'm... chronically depressed. I've never felt happiness in my life! *starts to cry*
CATS: It's alright, Captain U. Take your time.
Unhappyheart: Ever since I met my duplicate, I've been... jealous of his never-ending happiness. My jealousy soon turned to hatred, and now all I want is to see him suffer like I do... I don't know if making him unhappy is the key to my own happiness... but it's the only thing that I think might work...
*CATS snatches the microphone away from Unhappyheart.*
CATS: To make a long story short, I was able to locate Captain Unhappyheart, and we discovered our mutual desire to make Happyheart suffer! So, before Thursday's show, we disguised Unhappyheart as his duplicate, and had him appear on the show in Happyheart's place!
Joe: WHAT?!
Azul: So... that wasn't Happyheart that I gave my Valentine to...?
CATS: With Unhappyheart disguised in Happyheart's trademark colors, it was easy for him to come out, declare me as his opponent, and then, let me pin him to become champion! It was beautiful how it all played out!
Joe: So you didn't even pin the true champion?! You cowardly bastard! You don't deserve to be the Gold Champion!
CATS: Because I had a duplicate pretend to be Captain Happyheart, and didn't fight the actual champion, I knew that my championship win was able to be overturned, due to the rules set by FLAW. However, I also knew that, due to those same rules, there is a 72 hour time limit in which a match's decision can be overturned. I simply had Captain Unhappyheart lay low until today, and disposed of all other incriminating evidence. Now that the time limit is up, there is nothing that the FLAW Committee can do to invalidate my championship win! And, as a result, I am YOUR FLAW Gold Champion! Ha Ha Ha Ha!
*Audience boos heavily.*
Joe: I cannot believe this! Surely something can be done about this! Anything!
CATS: Now, for the other question that you're probably thinking... "Where is Captain Happyheart?" Well... *shrugs* ...who knows? But, what I do know is that he took way too long to tell you who his opponent was going to be each week. As the FLAW Gold Champion, I will tell you who I've chosen right now! On Thursday, I will give Captain Happyheart a rematch... if he can manage to show up in time! Let's go, Unhappyheart!
*CATS and Unhappyheart leave the ring together, and exit out the entranceway as the audience boos.*
Joe: This is injustice! I can't believe CATS was able to pull that stunt off! What an awful, awful man!
Azul: ...We still don't know where Captain Happyheart is! I hope he comes back soon...
Joe: CATS won't admit it, but I'll bet you anything that he's responsible for Happyheart's disappearance! Let's just hope he can come back in time to beat CATS and take back the title that's rightfully his!
Azul: Come back, Happyheart... wherever you are...
Joe: Well, it's time for our first of two intermissions! After we come back, Dan Hibiki and Mr. Karate will fight to become the number one contender for the Silver Championship! See you soon!
INTERMISSION
Joe: Hello! We are back with more action coming up very soon! In just moments, Dan Hibiki will fight against Mr. Karate, with the winner getting a shot at the FLAW Silver Championship next week! What's your prediction, Azul?
Azul: Well, I'm thinking that Mr. Karate will win. He has much more experience in fighting than Dan Hibiki, and he's a master of the Kyokugen karate style that is used by Karate Extreme.
Joe: I'm pulling for my buddy Dan once again! He beat CATS last week, and I think he might be able to pull out a victory once again! He's unpredictable, that Dan Hibiki!
Azul: That he is.
Joe: We're going backstage with David R. Kett, who is currently standing beside Mr. Karate. David? ...David, are you there?
*The view switches to backstage, where David R. Kett is lying in a pool of his own blood, unconscious. Mr. Karate is standing over him, arms crossed. He looks into the camera and speaks.*
Mr. Karate: I... am sick and tired of having to deal with idiots. Idiots like my boss, Mr. Big, like Dan Hibiki, like Captain Happyheart, and especially... ESPECIALLY... like this moronic interviewer, David R. Kett. From now on, I will not put up with idiocy anymore! I'm getting serious, and anyone who bothers me, or gets in my way... will end up like David here. That... is the way of Mr. Karate.
*Mr. Karate walks off camera. The camera pans down to one last shot of David, and then, the view goes back to Joe and Azul.*
Joe: Whoa. I've never seen Mr. Karate quite like this before.
Azul: Me neither. I'm kinda... scared for Dan's well being.
Joe: Oh, I think Dan will find a way to win, just like he did against CATS! Besides, we don't have time to worry; the match is starting!
Ring Announcer: This match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a number 1 contender's match for the FLAW Silver Championship!
*Mr. Karate's music starts, and he stomps down the aisle, focused and determined.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... from Southtown, USA, standing at 5'11" and weighing in at 193 pounds... MR. KARATE!
*Mr. Karate gets into his corner and stands still, focusing on the battle ahead. Dan Hibiki's music starts, and he runs to the ring, with the audience cheering him on.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... from Hong Kong, standing at 5'9" and weighing in at 163 pounds... DAN HIBIKI!
*Dan slides into the ring and hops excitedly in his corner. He motions for a microphone, which is given to him by a crew member. He then turns and faces Mr. Karate, excited.*
Dan: Isn't this great, Daddy?! One of us is going to be the FLAW Silver Champion next week! I can't wait to have my very own belt!
Mr. Karate: ...
Dan: Hey, how about after this match, you and I go out for ICE CREAM! And we can go to the park, and the aquarium, and the video arcade, and the-
*Dan is interrupted by a hard punch to the face from Mr. Karate, which knocks him down. The referee signals for the bell to be rung.*
Joe: And this match begins with a bang as Mr. Karate cheap shots Dan before the bell! Karate grabs Dan and drags him back onto his feet! Karate now with hard palm strikes to Dan's midsections! And there's a Koho uppercut! Dan falls to the ground again! Dan rolls to the outside to try to break up Karate's momentum!
Azul: You can do it, Dan!
Joe: Dan poses for the audience! What the hell? Dan is posturing like an idiot! Mr. Karate goes outside the ring! Mr. Karate levels Dan with a hard clothesline! He picks Dan up off the floor, and slams him head first into the steel steps! Mr. Karate continues beating Dan's head on the steel steps over and over and over again! When will he stop?! Dan seems to be out like a light, but a victory cannot be scored outside the ring, even by knockout!
Azul: Oh my God! I can't watch this!
Joe: Mr. Karate is finally done smashing Dan's head on the steel steps! Mr. Karate throws Dan back into the ring! He slips back in himself, and goes for the pin! One! Two! No! Dan kicks out at two! Mr. Karate now drags Dan back onto his feet, and smashes Dan with a huge Koho uppercut! Dan starts to fall, but Karate grabs his collar and hits him with ANOTHER Koho uppercut! Dan collapses to the mat!
Azul: Oh man! I'm sorry I'm not saying much, but this is just brutal!
Joe: Understood, Azul! Dan rolls back to the outside! This time, Dan is looking under the ring for something! He comes back up with... a ring bell! He's gonna try to use the same weapon he defeated CATS with! Mr. Karate isn't concerned; he's beckoning for Dan to come back into the ring! Dan climbs back in, ring bell in hand! He rebounds off the ropes, and swings the bell... but Mr. Karate ducks, and punches Dan right in the gut! Dan collapses to his knees! He's coughing up blood!
Azul: Poor Dan... he's getting killed out there!
Joe: Mr. Karate isn't giving Dan a chance to relax! He's pulling Dan up by the ponytail! Mr. Karate pulls Dan to his feet, and picks Dan up in a scoop slam position! But instead of slamming him down, he drops to a sitting position, PILEDRIVING DAN HEADFIRST ONTO THAT RING BELL! Dan's skull must be split wide open! Mr. Karate covers! One! Two! Three!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner... MR. KARATE!
Joe: Finally, this match is over... wait a minute! Mr. Karate's going back over to Dan's body! He's putting his foot onto the front of his thigh, and grabbing the ankle with his hands! He starts pulling that foot back as hard as he can! It looks like he's trying to bend Dan's leg the wrong way!
*SNAP*
Azul: ...!
Joe: OH GOD! I just heard his knee snap like a twig! Mr. Karate lets go of Dan's leg, and it flops limply to the ground! There was no reason for Mr. Karate to break Dan's leg after the match! No reason at all! Oh God, Dan...
Azul: That Mr. Karate is a cruel, heartless son of a gun! What a mean thing to do!
Joe: Well, it's time for our second intermission. When we return, Mars People will defend his Silver Championship against Don Combo and Robodile in a Triple Threat match. See you then.
INTERMISSION
FLAW News
Super FLAW Happytime Fun Week Coming
February 22, 2007
Due to an unexpectedly large workload for this convention, we will be unable to air any more FLAW episodes until next Monday.
So, next week, we'll have a Super FLAW Happytime Fun Week! Currently scheduled:
Monday Night FLAW:
Triple Threat Match for the FLAW Silver Championship (prerecorded)
Mars People (c) vs. Don Combo vs. Robodile
FLAW Tag Team Championship Tournament Finals
Karate Extreme vs. Ice Climbers
FLAW Gold Championship Match
CATS (c) vs. Captain Happyheart
Special Tuesday Night FLAW:
Number 1 Contender's Match for the FLAW Silver Championship
Terrance Beauregard vs. Captain Unhappyheart
Mr. Karate fights for the FLAW Silver Championship
Thursday Night FLAW:
To be announced
Dan Hibiki's Leg Broken; Out of Action Indefinitely
February 22, 2007
Due to the vicious attack by Mr. Karate on Dan Hibiki last Monday, Dan Hibiki's leg has practically been snapped in two. The leg is completely unusable, and doctors suspect that he will never be able to wrestle again.
We wish Dan Hibiki a speedy recovery.