Thursday Night FLAW
February 15, 2007
By Brandon A. Mayo
*The camera shows Azul sitting in her dressing room, cutting red construction paper. The walls of her dressing room are plastered with pictures of Captain Happyheart. There is a knock on the door.*
Azul: Come in.
*The door opens, and in comes Senor Caliente, causing many female fans to scream.*
Caliente: Hey, Azul. What are you doing?
Azul: Oh, I'm just working on a Valentine card.
Caliente: For Captain Happyheart, right?
Azul: *blushing* Y-yeah, that's right.
Caliente: Think you'll actually get the nerve to tell him how you feel this time?
Azul: ...Well, that's the plan. I just hope he likes it... Hey, could you pass me the glue?
Caliente: Sure.
*Caliente reaches for the glue on the table, but his shirt rips and falls off, causing the female fans to squeal in delight. Caliente slams the glue down in front of Azul in anger.*
Caliente: Damn it! Why does this always happen to me? Why?!
*Caliente storms out of the room and slams the door. Azul continues to work on her card.*
Azul: Oh, Captain... *sigh*
*The view goes back to ringside.*
Ring Announcer: Introducing tonight's guest commentator: Amigos of Glory member, Senor Caliente!
*Caliente's music kicks in, and the female fans squeal in delight as Caliente walks down the aisle, irritated. He comes down and takes a seat beside Joe Higashi at the commentator's table.*
Joe: Welcome to another edition of Thursday Night FLAW! I'm your play-by-play commentator, Joe Higashi, and joining me tonight is our guest commentator, Senor Caliente. Hello, Senor!
Caliente: Hey, Joe. Sorry, I didn't have time to put on another shirt.
Joe: That's quite alright, Senor. There's no dress code for being a FLAW commentator!
Caliente: It probably would've ripped, anyway. Oh well. What's on the show tonight, Joe?
Joe: We've got a great program tonight! First up is the second match of the FLAW Tag Team Championship Tournament, where self-proclaimed time travelers, HNC-9000, will battle against the diminutive Eskimos, the Ice Climbers! The winners will go on to battle Karate Extreme next week to become the first ever FLAW Tag Team Champions!
Caliente: Tonight's winners will definitely have their work cut out for them. Azul and I battled Karate Extreme last week, and they are definitely tough competitors!
Joe: We'll just have to see what happens! Right now, David R. Kett is backstage with both teams. David?
*The screen shows David R. Kett standing next to Doriaan McHawk and Croc Brown.*
David: Hello! I am here now with Doriaan McHawk and Croc Brown, collectively known as HNC-9000. Now Mr. Brown, you claim that you have invented a time machine! Does this machine actually work?
Croc: It does work! Using the principles of chronological physics, I have determined a way to extract the quartzitrons from the atmosphere and convert them into fluxitrons, enabling my machine to bend the space-time continuum and travel to other points in time! In fact, I was able to meet Doriaan McHawk in the future version of Leonardo, New Jersey!
David: Wow, okay. Do you think you'll be able to win your match tonight?
McHawk: Let me tell you something, David. We have seen the future, and the future has shown us that we will, in fact, win our match here tonight! Becoming the FLAW Tag Team Champions is our density!
Croc: Destiny.
McHawk: Destiny!
David: Okay, good luck to you out there! I was going to interview the Ice Climbers, but they don't seem to be here...
Popo: Hey, cocksucker! Down here!
*The camera pans down to show the three-foot Eskimos standing right in front of David.*
David: Oh, it looks like Popo and Nana, the Ice Climbers, were right here the whole time! Now, Popo, how do you think the two of you will fare against HNC-9000!
Popo: Nana! Do it!
*Nana pulls out her wooden mallet and wallops David right in the crotch. David screams in agony and drops to the floor. Popo walks over to David and kicks him in the side.*
Popo: We don't have to answer your stupid questions. Let's go, Nana.
*Popo and Nana walk off-screen, and the view goes back to ringside.*
Caliente: Wow, those little guys are brutal!
Joe: I'll say! The match is about to begin!
Ring Announcer: The following match is match 2 of the FLAW Tag Team Championship Tournament! The winning team will compete next week to become the first ever FLAW Tag Team Champions!
*The Ice Climbers' music starts, and Popo and Nana make their entrance as they walk down the aisle. The audience boos loudly, as the Ice Climbers make angry sneers at the audience members.*
Ring Announcer: Making their way to the ring... from Icicle Mountain, at a combined weight of 162 pounds, they are Popo and Nana... the ICE CLIMBERS!
*The Ice Climbers climb into the ring and go into the corner. Popo decides to stay in the ring as the legal partner, while Nana goes to the apron. HNC-9000's music then starts, as McHawk and Croc drive to the ring in a modified DeLorean. The audience cheers.*
Ring Announcer: And their opponents... from Leonardo, New Jersey in the future, at a combined weight of 413 pounds, they are Doriaan McHawk and Croc Brown... HNC-9000!
*The doors of the DeLorean open up, and smoke pours out of the car as McHawk and Croc step out of the car and slide into the ring. They go to their corner, and Croc chooses to be the legal partner. McHawk goes to the apron, and The Referee signals for the bell to be rung.*
Joe: And this match is on! Croc and Popo squaring off! Croc and Popo start trading punches! McHawk is watching with great intent! But wait! Nana has leaped off the apron! She's heading over to McHawk! I don't think McHawk even saw her head his way!
Caliente: He's too focused on what Croc and Popo are doing!
Joe: Nana comes up behind McHawk and NAILS HIM IN THE LEGS WITH THAT HAMMER! McHawk loses his balance! Nana leaps back into the ring! She's climbing the turnbuckle! Nana grabs McHawk and shoves him off the apron! McHawk goes RIGHT THROUGH THE CAR WINDSHIELD!
Caliente: No man I know could withstand that!
Joe: Same here, Senor! McHawk is effectively out of this match! Nana jumps back into the ring! Croc doesn't see her! Nana nails Croc in the legs with her hammer! Popo takes the opportunity to leap up and smash Croc in the face with his own hammer! Croc is down! Croc is down!
Caliente: I don't know if HNC-9000 can come back from this, Joe!
Joe: I'm not so sure either! Popo and Nana go to opposite corners! They're signaling for the end here! Popo and Nana fly through the air with two simultaneous frog splashes! They connect! Popo covers! One! Two! Three!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcers: Here are your winners... the ICE CLIMBERS!
*Audience boos loudly.*
Joe: The Ice Climbers move on to face Karate Extreme next week for the FLAW Tag Team Championship!
Caliente: Well, that was short.
Joe: No kidding. Let's hope the next match is better! After the intermission, Captain Happyheart will face an opponent of his choosing in a FLAW Gold Championship defense! See you then!
INTERMISSION
*Azul approaches Captain Happyheart's dressing room. With a bit of hesitance, she knocks on the door. Happyheart soon opens the door.*
Happyheart: Oh. A visitor.
Azul: Captain, I... I wanted you to have this.
*Azul pulls a Valentine's card out from behind her back and hands it to Happyheart. Happyheart opens the envelope and looks at the card inside.*
Azul: I...I made it myself. Do you... like it?
Happyheart: Uh... It's okay, I guess.
*Happyheart casually tosses the card onto his desk, and pushes past Azul without another word. Azul looks at him as he rudely walks away, tears welling up in her eyes. Then, the view goes back to ringside.*
Caliente: Wow. Poor girl... I can't believe Happyheart would break her heart like that!
Joe: Happyheart doesn't seem to be acting like himself. It's strange. Oh, looks like the match is getting ready to start.
Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the FLAW Gold Championship!
*Happyheart's music starts. Happyheart walks slowly down the aisle, shuffling his feet as he goes. His face is completely deadpan.*
Ring Announcer: On his way to the ring... from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, standing at 6'1" and weighing in at 177 pounds, he is the FLAW Gold Champion... CAPTAIN HAPPYHEART!
*Happyheart finally reaches the ring, and slowly rolls in. He stands up and motions for a microphone, which is given to him.*
Happyheart: I'm sure you've all been wondering who I've chosen as my opponent. Well, I've been thinking about it, and there's one man who I feel deserves a title shot more than anyone else. I present to you, my opponent...
Joe: ...
Caliente: ....
Ring Announcer: ....
Audience: ....
Happyheart: ...
Loudspeaker: ...IN A.D. 2101, WAR WAS BEGINNING. *BOOM*
Joe: OH, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
*CATS's music starts, and he makes his way down to the ring, smiling like a Cheshire cat as everyone boos.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... from the deepest reaches of space, standing at 6'3" and weighing in at 246 pounds... CATS!
Joe: Happyheart vowed that he would choose someone worthy of a shot! CATS has the biggest losing streak in FLAW! What business does he have anywhere NEAR the Gold Championship?!
Caliente: I... I don't get it either, Joe.
Joe: Well, I just hope the champion knows what he's doing. There's nothing we can do about it.
*CATS reaches the ring, takes his cape off, and climbs in. He gets into his corner, and The Referee signals for the bell to be rung.*
Joe: Well, this match is underway now as Happyheart and CATS stare each other down! CATS makes the first move as he... casually walks in the other direction? What is he doing? He rebounds off the ropes and walks slowly back toward Happyheart! CATS hits Happyheart with the slowest, weakest, most half-assed clothesline in the world! Happyheart is down! Wait, Happyheart is down?! From that?!
Caliente: ...I'm just confused right now.
Joe: CATS struts around the ring, smiling and posing like he's already won! That cocky bastard! The audience expresses their great disapproval, as do I! What the hell is CATS doing?!
Caliente: I just want to know why Happyheart isn't getting up!
Joe: Same here, Senor! CATS seems to have finally stopped his posturing! CATS is making his way back over to Happyheart! CATS covers Happyheart! One! Two! THREE!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner, and the NEW FLAW Gold Champion... CATS!
Joe: Oh my God! CATS just won the Gold Championship in the worst match ever! What the hell is going on here?! Wait! Happyheart is getting back up! He's staring CATS down!
Caliente: C'mon, Captain! Do something!
Joe: Happyheart grabs CATS's arm and... raises it in the air in victory?! What the hell?! Happyheart and CATS have joined together! This was all a big ploy to get the belt on CATS! But why?!
Caliente: Happyheart, you bastard! I NEVER would have expected this from you!
Joe: I am so confused right now, it's not funny! Hopefully, we can get some answers as to what's going on, either on next week's shows, or through FLAW News! I don't know about you, but I want answers now!
Caliente: I am in total agreement.
Joe: Well, I guess we'll see you next week on Monday Night FLAW... I cannot believe this...
FLAW News
Investigation of CATS's Title Win Under Way
February 16, 2007
After CATS's very controversial win over Captain Happyheart last night, rumors started spreading around the locker room that foul play was involved. The FLAW Committee is looking into the matter, and if any conclusive evidence of foul play is found within 72 hours of last night's title match, CATS will be stripped of the Gold Championship.
We met up with the new FLAW Gold Champion, CATS, to discuss the matter with him.
"All will be revealed on Monday's show," CATS said with a smirk. "I have nothing further to say to you." CATS then left before any more questions could be asked.
We tried to contact Captain Happyheart to get his side of the story, but no one has been able to find the former Gold Champion since his loss last night.
We will try to find more information on the matter, and provide updates when new developments occur.
FLAW News
Captain Happyheart Still Missing
February 17, 2007
Captain Happyheart, who lost his title to CATS, seemingly joined up with him, and subsequently disappeared, has still not been found. It is suspected that CATS is somehow behind Happyheart's disappearance, but no conclusive evidence has been found thus far.
We talked to two of Captain Happyheart's closest friends, Robodile and Azul Combo, for any information they could provide.
Robodile, one of the two current number 1 contenders for the FLAW Silver Championship, is Happyheart's partner and personal friend, but seemed just as confused about the situation as we are.
"Obviously something bad's gone down," said Robodile. "Happyheart's behavior was whack on Thursday, and he didn't seem happy at all. I, and any of Happyheart's other homies, would tell you that's impossible. Happyheart IS happiness. I'm starting to doubt that that was even Happyheart at all."
Azul Combo, member of the Amigos of Glory, is still shaken up by Happyheart's betrayal and disappearance. Upon receiving Azul's Valentine card, Happyheart acted totally uninterested and apathetic, tossing the card onto his desk and promptly leaving.
"I still don't understand," Azul said, trying to hold back tears. "Why would Happyheart act like this? He's never been this mean before! And where has he gone now? I'm so worried about him!" Azul then broke into tears and requested that we ask no more questions.
We at FLAW are still trying to find Captain Happyheart and discover exactly what is going on. Once found, Captain Happyheart may be able to provide enough evidence of wrongdoing to strip CATS of the FLAW Gold Championship. However, this must be done before the 72 hour time limit expires Sunday night, or nothing can be done about the situation.