Monday Night FLAW
February 5, 2007
By Brandon A. Mayo
Joe: Hello, and welcome again to another edition of Monday Night FLAW! I'm your play-by-play commentator, Joe Higashi, and accompanying me tonight is our guest commentator, my good friend, Dan Hibiki!
Dan: YAHOOIE! I rock!
Joe: Last week, CATS and Mars People had a match for the FLAW Silver Championship. The match had some controversy, as CATS had pinned Mars People, but our esteemed referee, The Referee, did not count the pin. I, as well as many other fans watching the event, believed that CATS was screwed out of the victory. However, reviewing the details of the match rules, and Mars People's contract, shows that Mars People is unable to be pinned, due to the fact that he has no shoulders to pin to the mat. If CATS had read the rules to the match thoroughly, he would have seen this rule and adjusted his strategy accordingly. Because of this, the ruling of the match stands, and Mars People remains the FLAW Silver Champion.
Dan: I believe that's a good thing! Mars People is much more likely to hold that belt with the honor and integrity of the Saikyo way than CATS is!
Joe: But Dan, didn't Mars People eliminate you from the battle royal last week? Shouldn't you be bitter about that?
Dan: Mars People simply took advantage of an opportunity he saw in battle; he was not acting maliciously. Because of that, and the fact that my elimination was a fluke occurrence, anyway, I show no anger toward Mars People. CATS, on the other hand, is a rotten, despicable piece of crap who isn't even worthy to kiss my feet! If I had a shot at him, I'd show him what a true Saikyo master can do! That guy thinks he can beat me with one move! Ha! What folly!
Joe: Anyway, we've got a camera backstage, as our backstage announcer, David R. Kett, is preparing to talk to the combatants of our first match. David?
*The screen shows David standing backstage with CATS.*
David: Hello, everyone! I'm currently backstage with CATS, to find out what's going on in his head before this big match. CATS, the officials have ruled in favor of Mars People in last week's match, due to the rules stating that Mars People cannot be pinned, due to his lack of shoulders. How do you feel about that decision?
CATS: The decision is faulty! I should be the Silver Champion right now, and everyone around the world knows it! But, now that I know about the rule that Mars People cannot be pinned, beating him next week will be child's play!
David: You sound pretty confident that you'll beat Robodile in tonight's number 1 contender's match for the Silver Championship.
CATS: Confident? Oh, I'm more than confident. I eliminated Robodile last week in the battle royal without breaking a sweat. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just three matches away from achieving my destiny and becoming the FLAW Gold Champion. Ha ha ha ha ha!
*Robodile comes in from off-screen, much to the delight of the fans in attendance, and stares CATS down. CATS responds with an angry glare of his own, and slowly leaves the interview area.*
David: Robodile, how do you feel about your match tonight with CATS?
Robodile: Let me tell you something, David. CATS did eliminate me from the battle royal last week, but that little bitch needed help from the current Silver Champ to do it. One on one, CATS knows that he ain't got shit on me, y'know what I'm sayin'? Tonight, I'm gonna smack his punk ass up in front of all my homies here, in Puerto Lagarto, Florida! Word!
*Audience cheers wildly. Robodile stomps out of the interview area.*
Joe: Well, there you have it! No love lost between these two competitors! CATS and Robodile will go one on one, with the winner getting a shot at the Silver Championship next week!
*CATS's entrance theme plays, and he walks slowly toward the ring, wearing his trademark purple cape.*
Ring Announcer: This is a Number 1 Contender's Match for the FLAW Silver Championship! Making his way to the ring: from the deepest reaches of space, standing at 6'3" and weighing in at 246 pounds, CATS!
Dan: BOOOOO!!! YOU SUCK!!! MY DAD'S A BETTER FIGHTER THAN YOU! AND HE'S DEAD! YOU'RE JUST A BIG POO POO HEAD! I HOPE YOU LOSE!!! YOUR MOM'S A WHORE!
Joe: Dan, calm down.
Dan: BOOOOO!!!!
*The audience boos as CATS slowly removes his cape and enters the ring. The boos quickly turn into cheers, however, when Robodile's music starts to play.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... From Puerto Lagarto, Florida, standing at 6 feet 5 inches, and weighing in at 800 pounds: ROBODILE!
Dan: YAAAAAAY!!! GO ROBODILE! KICK HIS ASS!!! DISMEMBER HIM!!! PISS ON HIS REMAINS! MAKE SURE THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF HIM! KILL! KILL! KILL!
Joe: *sigh*
*Robodile runs down the ring, slapping hands with his fans all the way down the aisle. He quickly dives into the ring and poses for all his fans. He then stands across from CATS and stares him down. The Referee signals for the bell.*
Joe: And there's the bell! CATS and Robodile quickly lock up! The two combatants struggle, but Robodile is clearly the stronger man! Robodile whips CATS into the ropes! CATS now, rebounding off the ropes into a BIG CLOTHESLINE BY ROBODILE! CATS is on the ground! He's in some serious trouble! Cover by Robodile! One! Two! CATS kicks out at two!
Dan: BOOOO!!! STAY ON THE MAT NEXT TIME!
Joe: Robodile drags CATS back onto his feet! He lifts CATS up, and slams him into a corner! CATS now, stunned in the corner! Robodile starts laying into him with those punches and chops!
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dan: WOOOOOOOO!!! CATS IS GONNA LOSE!!
Joe: Robodile continuing with his assault! CATS dodges a chop, and spins behind Robodile! CATS connects with a drop kick to Robodile's back, but Robodile doesn't budge! Robodile is mad! He swings at CATS with a big right hand, but CATS dodges! CATS bounces off the ropes and clotheslines Robodile! No movement by the big green machine! CATS tries another clothesline! Still no movement! CATS with a third clothesline, but Robodile counters with a BIG BACKHANDED CHOP TO CATS'S CHEST!
Audience: WOOOOOOO!
Joe: CATS hits the mat hard! Robodile tries to stomp on CATS, but CATS rolls out of the way! CATS rolls out of the ring to catch a breather!
Audience: BOOOOO!
Joe: CATS looks under the ring for something! Robodile now, making his way to the outside of the ring! CATS seems to have found something! It's... a metal baseball bat! Robodile now approaching CATS! CATS swings at Robodile's head, but misses! Robodile with a SPEAR INTO THE METAL STEPS!!!
Dan: YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
Joe: CATS is in a bad condition, ladies and gentlemen! Robodile picks CATS up and throws him back into the ring! Robodile approaches CATS, but gets a METAL BAT TO THE FACE!
Dan: NOOOOO!!!
Joe: CATS now, with the advantage! He's hammering Robodile in the head over and over with that steel baseball bat! This is just like CATS's attack on Mars People a week ago! Robodile getting repeatedly smashed! His head is becoming mangled! He's squirting oil all over the place! Robodile is too weak to stand! He falls to the canvas!
Dan: WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
Joe: CATS is climbing the turnbuckle! Haven't you done enough damage to him already?! CATS leaps off the turnbuckle with a FLYING ELBOW DROP! HE CONNECTS! Robodile looks finished here! CATS covers! One! Two! Thr-NO! Somehow, Robodile kicks out right before the three! CATS can't believe it! He picks Robodile up off the canvas, and wraps his arm around Robodile's head! He's signaling for the Way to Destruction!
Dan: HEY POOPFACE! WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN HERE SO I CAN BEAT YOUR ASS, YOU PUNK!
CATS: *points at Dan* You shut the fuck up! I'm tired of your big mouth! After I win this match, I'll shut it for good!
Joe: Robodile pushes CATS off of him! Dan distracted CATS long enough for Robodile to recover! Robodile bounces off the ropes and SPEAR! CATS is nailed with a huge spear! He's flailing around in pain! Robodile approaches CATS and uses his NERVE PINCH BITE! CATS cries out in pain! CATS reaches up to try to pry Robodile's mouth open, but Robodile wraps his arms around CATS's body, making his arms unusable! CATS flails about, looking for a solution! He tries to reach the rope with his foot, but it's too far away! The pain is becoming unbearable for CATS! CATS TAPS OUT! CATS TAPS OUT!
*The Referee signals for the bell to be rung.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner by submission: ROBODILE!
Joe: Robodile posing in the ring as his fans cheer! Robodile will get a shot at the Silver Championship! CATS throwing another tantrum! Another missed opportunity for CATS! Will he ever get a break?
Dan: I hope not!
Joe: Well, it's time for the intermission! Later tonight, we'll find out whether or not Mars People will keep his championship, or risk it for the Gold on Thursday! Then, Don Combo will fight in a match for the FLAW Silver Championship! See you tonight!
INTERMISSION
Joe: Welcome back, everyone! You're just in time for David R. Kett's interviews with the competitors of tonight's Silver Championship match!
*David R. Kett appears on the screen, along with Mars People and his manager, Fio.*
David: Now, I know that Mars People can understand English, but he isn't able to speak it, so you'll be interpreting what he says. Is that right, Fio?
Fio: That's right.
David: Now, first things first: The Silver Champion has the ability to forfeit his title on Monday's show before his title match in order to gain a shot at the Gold Championship on Thursday. Will you be doing that here tonight?
Mars People: *strange clicks, squeaks, and other noises*
Fio: "I have chosen to keep my Silver Championship and defend it tonight. I like the current Gold Champion, and I'm fine with him keeping the belt for now. Besides, I'm gaining a lot of fans due to my Silver Championship win, and I don't want to risk my title and potentially disappoint them."
David: Do you ever plan on going for the Gold Championship?
Mars People: *noises*
Fio: "I'll probably try to keep the Silver Championship for now, as long as Happyheart can keep the Gold Championship. Keeping my title will help prevent it from falling in the hands of someone like CATS, who would likely abuse their responsibilities as champion. So, I won't go for the Gold Championship until I feel the time is right."
David: What are your opinions on your opponent, Don Combo?
Mars People: *noises*
Fio: "I think he could provide quite a challenge for me. He's shown himself to be proficient in the hardcore wrestling style, which could potentially be a problem for someone with no skeleton such as me. He's also very unpredictable. It'll be interesting to see what happens."
David: Alright, thank you, Mars People and Fio. Now, let's talk to tonight's challenger, Don Combo. Mr. Combo, I know that Don is a very respectful title in the Spanish language. How did you come to be known as Don?
Don Combo: Eet's no title, mayn. Don's mi name, mayn. Eet's short for Donald. *hiccup*
David: Are you drunk?
Don Combo: Nah, mayn. I just drank a little cerveza to get ready for mi match. Loosens me up.
David: Well, I'm not one to judge; you are a drunken boxer, after all. How do you plan on defeating Mars People?
Don Combo: Well, mayn, that Mars Padre es muy bien at using the submission holds, mayn. So I'm just gonna be as unpredictable as possible so he can't git me, mayn.
David: Alright, thank you. Joe?
Joe: Thanks for those interviews, David. What do you think of this match-up, Dan?
Dan: It ROCKS! Mars People is a very good fighter, for not being a Saikyo user. Don Combo is also pretty cool. This fight will be fun!
Joe: I couldn't agree more, buddy. It's time to get this match on the road!
Ring Announcer: This match is scheduled for one fall, and it's for the FLAW Silver Championship!
*Mars People's music plays, causing the audience to cheer loudly. Mars People, with Fio at his side, boogies on down the aisle.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... from the planet Mars, standing at 5'3" and weighing in at 94 pounds, he is the FLAW Silver Champion... MARS PEOPLE!
*Mars People slips into the ring, while Fio opts to stay outside. Mars People stretches his tentacles while waiting for his opponent. Then, Don Combo's music kicks in, and the audience cheers as Don Combo drunkenly wobbles his way down the aisle, shooting thumbs-up at his fans.*
Ring Announcer: And the challenger... From Mexico City, Mexico, standing at 5 feet 10 inches, and weighing in at 213 pounds: DON COMBO!
*Don Combo slips into the ring and does a little drunken dance for his fans. He then goes to his corner, and The Referee signals for the bell to ring.*
Joe: And there's the bell! This match is underway! Both men are sizing each other up, trying to figure out how best to attack their opponent! Mars People tries to lock up with Combo, but Combo slips away! Looks like Combo's going to try not to come into contact with Mars People, so he can avoid those submission moves of his!
Dan: What a wuss! I'd go straight for him with no hesitation! That's the Saikyo way!
Joe: That's probably why you always lose.
Dan: WHAT!!! Name one time where I've lost.
Joe: Well...
Dan: Don't answer that.
Joe: Anyway, Mars is continuing to try to lock up with Combo, but Combo keeps slipping away! Combo now, leaning back on the turnbuckle, seemingly taunting Mars People! Mars People's visibly frustrated! He rushes at Combo, but Combo leaps onto the turnbuckle and BACKFLIPS OVER MARS PEOPLE! But wait a minute! Mars expected the move, and he grabbed Combo right out of the air with his extra long tentacles! Combo's in trouble now! Mars People gets Combo into an ankle lock! Shades of Kurt Angle here! Mars is wrenching on that ankle! Combo is screaming in pain! But wait! Combo grabs some beer bottles off his belt! Is he going to try to break free of the hold, like he did last week against Robodile?
Dan: That would be what I would do! Smash his tentacles with those beer bottles! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
Joe: You'd probably just hit your own foot!
Dan: Hmph!
Joe: Wait! Combo isn't using the beer as a weapon... he's drinking it! Combo is drinking the beer! As he drinks the beer, the pain seems to be lessening! I get it! He's using the alcohol to dull his senses, increasing his pain tolerance! Now Combo is getting up on his three free limbs! He flips forward, flipping Mars into the far turnbuckle! Combo is now taking the opportunity to go to the outside! He's probably going to use his hardcore skills to overcome Mars People! Combo goes under the ring, and comes up with... a cattle prod?! What's he going to do with that?
Dan: Prod some cattles, I would imagine.
Joe: Combo slips back into the ring, but Mars People comes back with a quick barrage of stinging tentacle slaps! Combo is being whipped like a submissive husband! Over and over again, those stinging tentacles are wearing him down! But... DON COMBO ZAPS A TENTACLE WITH THE CATTLE PROD!
Dan: Reminds me of my old friend Jimmy back in Brazil! He was quite the electric fellow. Just the memory of his zappy attacks makes me tingle!
Joe: He's electrocuting Mars People! Mars can't stand this for too long! Mars People slumps to the ground in a heap! He's still conscious, but greatly weakened! This would be a great opportunity for Combo to pin him, but Mars People cannot be pinned! Combo is going back outside the ring! Once again, he looks under the apron! He comes back up with a 20 foot ladder! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
Dan: I DON'T KNOW! I AM EXCITED!
Joe: Don Combo sets the ladder up inside the ring! He's climbing all the way to the top! He can't be! He is! He's signaling for the Dos Equis! Don't do it, Don!
Dan: DO IT, DON!
Joe: DON COMBO JUMPS OFF THE LADDER! DOS EQUIS! DOS EQUIS! But wait! MARS PEOPLE ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY! DON COMBO, FACE FIRST INTO THE CANVAS!
Audience: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Joe: I couldn't say it better myself! Mars People somehow found the strength to roll out of the way of the Dos Equis, and Combo just ended up eating mat!
Dan: That mat doesn't taste like soy sauce, that's for sure!
Joe: Don Combo is motionless! The Referee goes over to check on him. The Referee quickly examines Combo... and he signals for the bell! The match is over!
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner by knockout, and STILL the FLAW Silver Champion, MARS PEOPLE!
Joe: Mars People holds that belt in the air, but he can't be too happy. I doubt he expected Don Combo to go as far as he did to try to get a victory. I just hope he's okay!
Dan: Man, me too. *cries and shakes his fist* DON COMBO!!!
Joe: Well, that's it for Monday Night FLAW. Tune in again Thursday, where we'll have our first match in the tag team division, featuring Team Kyokugen and the Amigos of Glory, as well as Captain Happyheart's first defense of the Gold Championship. Also, we'll try to give you updates on Don Combo's condition later tonight. See you on Thursday!
FLAW News
Don Combo Medical Update
February 6, 2007
After Don Combo's death-defying stunt last night, where he leaped off a 20 foot ladder and landed directly on his face, Don Combo was admitted to the local medical facility. To the doctors' astonishment, Don Combo suffered no lasting damage from the incident. The doctors theorize that the looseness of Combo's body, caused by his alcohol consumption, helped to minimize the impact of his body on the canvas. Combo was released from the facility this morning, and is expected to be the guest commentator on Thursday night's show, in order to cheer on his partners, the Amigos of Glory, in their tag team match.
CATS Challenges Dan Hibiki
February 6, 2007
CATS, irate from his loss last night, has issued a challenge to Dan Hibiki for next week. We were able to speak with CATS directly about the challenge.
"Dan Hibiki is all talk," said CATS, "and he just doesn't know when to shut his mouth. Because of that arrogant asshole, I lost my shot at the FLAW Silver Championship last night."
CATS then addressed Dan Hibiki directly.
"Dan, if you're so sure of the superiority of your Saikyo style, I want you to put your money where your mouth is, next week on Monday Night FLAW," shouted CATS. "I'll show you exactly how worthless you and your fighting style really are." CATS then stormed off in anger before any more questions could be asked.
Dan Hibiki could not be reached for comment at the time.
FLAW News
Dan Hibiki Accepts Challenge
February 6, 2007
This afternoon, we were finally able to contact Dan Hibiki and address the issue of whether he would accept CATS's challenge.
"Hell yeah, I accept," Hibiki responded. "CATS has pissed me off for the last time! In the name of my father, I shall defeat him next Monday for the honor of the Saikyo style! OYAJI!"
With the challenge accepted, the FLAW Committee has made it official: CATS will go one-on-one against Dan Hibiki on February 12's Monday Night FLAW. Also that night, Mars People will defend the Silver Championship against Robodile.