Thursday Night FLAW
February 1, 2007
By Brandon A. Mayo
Joe: Hello, and welcome to the first edition of Thursday Night FLAW! I'm your play-by-play commentator, Joe Higashi, replacing Monday's unenthusiastic narrator! Accompanying me tonight is the newly-crowned FLAW Gold Champion, Captain Happyheart! How are you doing, Captain?
Happyheart: *bouncing in his chair, clapping his hands* Weeeeee!!!! First I become champion, and now I'm a guest commentator! OMG, this is SO COOL!
Joe: ...Did you just say "OMG?"
Happyheart: I did! I did! Isn't it so AWESOME?!
Joe: Not really, but I'll tell you what is awesome: Fourteen Lasers Awesome Wrestling! We've got an awesome card for you tonight! First, the robotic reptile Robodile will do battle against famous drunken boxer, Don Combo! This match will be a number one contender's match, with the winner getting a shot at the Silver Championship next week!
Happyheart: AWESOME!
Joe: And speaking of the Silver Championship: that title will be awarded for the very first time in tonight's main event! Three nights ago on Monday Night FLAW, a six man battle royal occurred, in which the winner-
Happyheart: Me!
Joe: -was to be awarded the FLAW Gold Championship. However, that wasn't the only stipulation of the match. The combatants who placed in second and third in that battle royal were to battle tonight for the second biggest prize in the league: the FLAW Silver Championship! And so, tonight, CATS, who placed in second in the battle royal, is scheduled to do battle with Mars People, who placed third, for that prize tonight!
Happyheart: ALSO AWESOME!
Joe: However, in the battle royal, Mars People was injured when he was hit in the head with a television several times, courtesy of CATS. He is in intensive care right now, and will be unable to compete tonight.
Happyheart: NOT AWESOME!
Joe: And so, it remains to be seen what will come of tonight's title match. Will CATS be awarded the title by default? Or will someone else step up to take Mars People's place? We'll find out later tonight!
Happyheart: I hope Mars People is okay! He looked pretty bad last night after CATS's attack! Hee hee!
Joe: What? That is nothing to giggle about!
Happyheart: Sorry, I can't help it! I'm just so HAPPY!
Joe: ...Anyway, our first match is about to start.
*Don Combo's music plays, and he makes his entrance.*
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring... From Mexico City, Mexico, standing at 5 feet 10 inches, and weighing in at 213 pounds: DON COMBO!
Joe: Here's Don Combo, former martial arts champion and accomplished drunken boxer! He came up short on Monday, coming in fourth in the battle royal, but he could be able to earn himself a Silver Championship shot in this match! Captain, you fought Don Combo two nights ago, and ultimately, eliminated him from the match. What is your opinion of him?
Happyheart: Oh, he's a great fighter, to be sure! There were several points in the match where he almost pwned my buttzors! He's a tricky guy, and his movements are very difficult to predict, and he's got that belt full of beer bottles! Robodile has got to watch out for him!
*Don Combo gets in the ring, and cracks open a beer while waiting for Robodile to make his entrance. After a few seconds, Robodile's music hits, and he makes his entrance.*
Ring Announcer: And his opponent... From Puerto Lagarto, Florida, standing at 6 feet 5 inches, and weighing in at 800 pounds: ROBODILE!
Joe: And here's Robodile, the mean, green rapping machine! Captain, you probably know Robodile better than anyone else here, since you've been teaming with him for quite a while now. Do you think Robodile will have the advantage, being a robot and fighting in his hometown?
Happyheart: In my oh-so-professional opinion, I would have to say: MAYBE! But seriously, Robodile is one rough and tough dude, and he definitely has teh street credzors, LOL! It will be hard to hurt him with conventional methods!
*Robodile gets in the ring, and throws his wide-brimmed hat into the audience. He looks Don Combo directly in the eye and smiles. The Referee signals for the bell to ring.*
Joe: And this match has begun! Don Combo touches fists with Robodile in a show of respect. And there's the lockup! This match is underway!
Happyheart: And under curds, too!
Joe: Robodile powers Combo into the corner. And there are those hard metallic chops Robodile is known for!
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO!
Joe: Robodile keeps hammering away at Combo with those backhanded chops! But Combo is able to dodge one, and he spins behind the chrome croc! Combo now with kicks to Robodile's shin! But they don't seem to have an effect! Combo now, holding his toes and hopping around in pain! Those shin kicks seem to have backfired! Robodile now with a running shoulder block! Don Combo narrowly dodges it! Combo now, going outside the ring! He's looking for something under the ring!
Happyheart: He probably lost his puppy dog!
Joe: Robodile is leaving the ring to go after Combo! He reaches for Combo, who comes out with a CHAIR SHOT TO ROBODILE'S FACE! Robodile is stunned! Combo now with repeated chair shots to Robodile's back! Robodile falls to the floor! Combo slips back into the ring, while The Referee goes to check on Robodile's status! Robodile waves The Referee off, and manages to get back on his feet!
Happyheart: That's my boy, right there! Good ol' RBD will never give up!
Joe: Robodile rolls back into the ring! Combo now, ready to hit Robodile with the chair, but SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!
Happyheart: SWORD! POLEARM! BLUNT OBJECT!
Joe: That spear hit Combo directly in the stomach! Combo now, rolling around in pain! Robodile approaches Combo, walks behind him, and... OH MY GOD! He's applying a nerve pinch with his sharp metallic teeth! Combo is screaming in pain! How long can he hold out... wait a minute! He's pulled a beer bottle off his belt! What's he planning on doing?
Happyheart: He got a strategy! Yep yep yep!
Joe: Combo jams the beer bottle into Robodile's open jaw! He's trying to force that chrome jaw open with the bottle! It'll take all his strength to wedge that jaw open!
Happyheart: He can do it! He can do it if he BELIEVES in the power of LOVE and FRIENDSHIP!
Joe: It doesn't look like Combo's making any progress... wait a second! The jaw is opening! Just a little bit, but it's opening! Combo tears himself from Robodile's grip! Combo's shoulder is bleeding! But wait a minute! Robodile's signaling for another spear, but... Enzuigiri by Combo! Right upside Robodile's head! Robodile falls to the ground! He's stunned! Combo grabs a chair and climbs the turnbuckle! Could he be... He is! Combo signals for the Dos Equis! Combo flies through the air, holding that chair! HE CONNECTS! DOS EQUIS ON THE CHAIR! DOS EQUIS ON THE CHAIR!
Happyheart: OH MY GAAAAAAAAWD!!!!1
Joe: Don Combo covers! ONE! TWO! THREE! It's over!
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner... DON COMBO!
Joe: Don Combo's going to challenge for the Silver Championship next week! Combo celebrates his big victory tonight! Wait a minute, Robodile's approaching Combo! Robodile extends his hand in a real sign of sportsmanship! Don Combo gladly shakes Robodile's hand! There's a great amount of respect between these two wrestlers!
Happyheart: Love and friendship prevail! ^_^
Joe: ...Why did you just say "caret underscore caret?"
Happyheart: 'Cuz I'm a happy pappy!
Joe: ...Anyway, the next scheduled match is CATS vs. Mars People for the FLAW Silver Championship. However, Mars People is unable to compete, due to his injury, and it is unknown if a suitable replacement has been found. If not, CATS will be awarded the Silver Championship by default.
*CATS's music plays, and CATS struts down to the ring among a chorus of boos.*
Joe: Here comes CATS now! Hopefully he can address this situation.
*CATS removes his cape and enters the ring. He motions for a microphone, which a crew member brings to him.*
CATS: Now I'm sure you're all wondering: "What will come of the Silver Championship match, now that Mars People is injured?" Well, I'll tell you: It doesn't matter one bit!
Happyheart: He's gotten pretty articulate! I thought he only spoke in Engrish!
Joe: Apparently, CATS was able to get some English lessons in the past few years!
CATS: Mars People is out of the picture, and Captain Happyheart can't compete for the title, due to the rule that no single person can hold both the Gold and Silver championship at the same time! Don Combo and Robodile are weak, due to the match they just had, and neither of them compares to me, anyway! And that leaves Dan Hibiki, who sucks so much, I could crush him with one move! One move!
*Audience boos.*
CATS: SHUT UP! There are no worthy contenders for this championship, so the officials might as well give it to-
*Mars People's music interrupts CATS's speech, causing cheers throughout the audience. Mars People, along with his manager, Fio Germi, walk to the ring.*
Joe: It's Mars People, with his manager Fio! What's he doing here? I thought he was unable to compete tonight!
Happyheart: Weeee! I like octopuses! :3
*Mars People and Fio get in the ring. Fio gets a microphone.*
CATS: What the hell are you doing here, Mars People? You should be in the hospital!
Fio: There's one thing you didn't count on, CATS: the healing technology of the Sparrows unit! After I heard Mars People was injured, I arranged for him to receive medical care back at our military base!
CATS: Military base?! You don't have a base! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!
Fio: That's what you think! At our secret military base, we were able to restore Mars People to one hundred percent fighting condition, so he can whup your ass for what you did to him on Monday!
*Audience cheers wildly.*
CATS: Rrrrgh... Referee! Ring the damn bell! *throws his microphone out of the ring*
*Fio slips out of the ring, and The Referee signals for the bell.*
Joe: And this match is underway! CATS and Mars People stare each other down. You can feel the tension between these two wrestlers! Mars People has wanted to get his tentacles on CATS ever since that brutal betrayal on Monday! And there's a lockup! CATS now, with a scoop slam on Mars People! But Mars People snags CATS's leg with his tentacles! He trips CATS! Both men now on the ground, pounding away at each other! There's no wrestling skill involved in this all-out brawl!
Happyheart: Wrestling skill is overrated! Personality is what gets you to the top!
Joe: Mars People grabs an arm with those tentacles of his! He's wrenching back on CATS's arm! CATS writhing in pain from the armbar! How long can he stay in this hold? CATS can't reach a rope! It looks like it will be all over soon! But no! CATS now, pounding Mars People's tentacles with his fist! It looks like he has an object in his hand! What is it?
Happyheart: It looks like a tiny Zig! He's moving that Zig! For great justice!
Joe: CATS continues to smash Mars People's tentacles with that miniature replica of the Zig star fighter! Mars People's grip is weakening! CATS manages to slip out of the hold! He starts stomping away on Mars People's face! Could we see a repeat of Monday night's match?
Happyheart: I hope not! Mars People is one cool cat, and I don't want to see him injured again!
Joe: It looks like Mars People is starting to lose consciousness! However, CATS has stopped his assault! He's dragging Mars People back to a standing position! CATS now, with that headlock! Could he be going for his finishing move? He is! MARS PEOPLE IS ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION!
Happyheart: Dat's not cool!
Joe: Mars People was hit full on with the Way to Destruction! It looks like this match is over! CATS covers, but... Why isn't The Referee counting?! CATS has this match won, and The Referee is just standing there! Come on, ref! CATS gets up and starts arguing with The Referee over his strange decision not to count the pin! But wait! Mars People is conscious! He wraps his tentacles around CATS's waist! And there's a rollup! Now The Referee decides to count! ONE! TWO! THREE!
*The bell rings.*
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner, and the NEEEEEW FLAW Silver Champion, MARS PEOPLE!
Joe: Mars People now, hoisting that belt over his head! Fio enters the ring to celebrate with him! CATS is furious that he lost! CATS is actually tearing his hair out and screaming over the decision! He has a right to be angry; he was screwed! The Referee screwed CATS over, and I don't have any idea why! Hopefully we can get some answers next week on Monday Night FLAW!
Happyheart: See you then! ^_^
FLAW News
Next Week's Matches
February 2, 2007
The FLAW officials have decided on next week's match-ups. The card for next week's shows include:
Monday Night FLAW: February 5, 2007
Number 1 Contender's Match for the FLAW Silver Championship:
CATS vs. Robodile
FLAW Silver Championship Match:
Mars People (c) vs. Don Combo
Thursday Night FLAW: February 8, 2007
Match 1 of the Tag Team Championship Tournament:
Karate Extreme (Ryo Sakazaki and Robert Garcia) vs. Amigos of Glory (Senor Caliente and Azul Combo)
FLAW Gold Championship Match:
Captain Happyheart (c) vs. an opponent of his choosing
NOTE: Card subject to change. At the beginning of Monday Night FLAW every week, the Silver Champion can choose to either defend his title, or to forfeit it in exchange for a shot at the Gold Championship on Thursday Night FLAW. If Mars People chooses to do this, then the Gold Championship match will be Captain Happyheart vs. Mars People, and the Silver Championship match will be Don Combo vs. the winner of that night's Number 1 Contender's Match.